Thursday, January 12, 2006

Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”

PLEASE READ THIS SOFTWARE LICENSE AGREEMENT ("LICENSE") CAREFULLY BEFORE USING THE RANSOM-NOTE-TYPOGRAPHY SOFTWARE.  BY USING THE SOFTWARE, YOU ARE AGREEING TO BE BOUND BY THE TERMS OF THIS LICENSE. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THE TERMS OF THIS LICENSE, DO NOT USE THE SOFTWARE.  IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THE TERMS OF THE LICENSE, YOU MAY RETURN THE SOFTWARE TO THE PLACE WHERE YOU OBTAINED IT FOR A REFUND. THAT YOU ARE GETTING IT FOR FREE MEANS THAT YOU AIN’T GETTIN’ SQUAT FROM US.

You are hereby granted one (1) license to view Ransom Note Typography on one (1) computer and make one (1) archive copy of the site. You may, at your discretion forward the link for Ransom Note Typography, but we recommend that you not send to it to people you like or that girl/guy you have a crush on. S/he might get the wrong idea.

Contents may settle during transit. Contents also under pressure. Contents may explode if jostled or you look at them askew. Ransom Note Typography may contain traces of peanut and is manufactured in a plant that also processes peanuts. Do not view in harsh sunlight. Remember that the camera add tens pounds and really we’re a lot better looking than the photos here show. You hereby agree to at least pretend that’s true.

You hereby authorize Ransom Note Typography and any of its representatives to drop by your house for dinner. We like teriyaki chicken quite a bit and are especially fond of chocolate pie with meringue on top. Noodles are preferable over rice. By viewing this site, you also authorize representatives of Ransom Note Typography to place you on a “yes, please call me!” list for a time share in Florida. Going to the time share seminar and listening to their spiel will be the worst six hours of your life.

Ransom Note Typography is not responsible for breaking your computer or for any data loss that may result after you have viewed Ransom Note Typography. You did that, ya dumb ninny when you clicked on that insipid animated bouncing smiley face your sister-in-law sent you. That was spyware and now some pimply teenager is slowly siphoning out the contents of your checking account to a shady Cayman Islands Savings & Loan. Don’t you know better than to click on anything you receive via e-mail? I mean, come on, that’s pretty basic stuff, right?

Do not use Ransom Note Typography technology to control nuclear reactors or in air traffic control systems. Not because RNT tech will fail (we rule!), but because we are very anti-nuke over here and plus airport food sucks and we want NO part of that stuff.

We had a clause in here about you agreeing to hand over your first born but after further thought, we don’t need any more mouths to feed. In lieu of progeny, we will accept cash or bearer bonds. Please explain to us what bearer bonds are before sending any.

You agree that you will not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

You further agree that bad things should be done to George Lucas for ruining all our childhood memories of Star Wars and there has to be some way that Jar-Jar Binks spells out 666 in some archaic numerology system, because, man, that was some powerful evil perpetrated on screen. You also agree that Han shot first.

In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a floatation device.

By agreeing to these terms you also limit Ransom Note Typography’s liability for the following non-exclusive list: global warming, QuarkXPress, the break up of your favorite band, your Cap’n Crunch getting all mushy because your sister called just as you were about to sit down to a glorious bowl and she can talk FOREVER about nothing I swear, Fabio’s freakish pectorals, disco fever, the sorry state of campaign finance reform, ‘L33T speak, that persistent itch that you can’t reach, Kathy Lee Gifford, and all dropped connections by your crappy cell phone company (news flash people, they’re all crappy).

All your base are belong to us.

Thank you for playing.

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Partners
• Correspondence
• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2010 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.