Friday, July 16, 2010

Dating is Hard

I was supposed to have a second date with a woman tonight. (Yes, I’ve decided to start dating again, even though the marriage ended what seemed like mere milliseconds ago. There are reasons. They are long winded and boring.) Anyway. She called me this morning and essentially broke up with me. “You’re a great guy, you’re hilarious and you make me laugh my ass off, but I don’t think the dating thing is going to work out. Sorry.”

There’s a whole funny story right there, but not the one I’m going to tell.

The other “funny” part about it is that last night I was at the grocery store, just getting the usual staples of my life (i.e., cereal, Diet Coke and mild sedatives) and I started thinking about this date I was to have tonight. Suddenly I thought, “Wait, she kind of invited herself over to my place, didn’t she? Hmm. I guess it’s possible something might happen.” (Her plan was to meet me at my place, eat some food she’d bring and then we’d go do the date thing (a gallery stroll)). Obviously, because her car would be at my place, not only would we be starting the date at my place, but it would also end at my place as well. MAYBE THERE’S A MESSAGE IN THERE I SHOULD PAY ATTENTION TO.

Following that logic to its usual climax (sadly, pun intended), I suddenly realized RIGHT THERE IN THE PRODUCE SECTION OF THE AVENUES SMITH’S ON E STREET, that there was a possibility that I might have sex at some point during this date (or some variant of it, I guess… whatever it is that people do these days, how the hell do I know?) (You may now have a mental image of me naked, AND I APOLOGIZE PROFUSELY FOR THAT.)

Not wanting to be like an unprepared teenager on prom night, I went ahead and purchased a box of condoms. (Yes, I’ve been “fixed,” but there are a metric ton of “genitalia falling off” diseases out there, right?) So I’m standing in front of the display rack of prophylactics and KY Jelly (side note: KY Warming… WTF?) and thinking to myself, “this is probably not going to happen. It’s only the second date, after all. This is probably just my reptile brain and hyper male imagination running amuck. This is the epitome of wishful thinking being carried into an actual failed deed.” But. Being unprepared would be dumb, especially given that I’m now standing in front of the stupid things. And if not with this woman, then “Please Baby Jesus, MAYBE WITH SOME OTHER WOMAN AT SOME POINT IN THE FUTURE.” So I grabbed a box and shoved it under my bag of bulk vanilla flavored granola. Plus, I’d been standing in front of the display thinking it all through for a good long while at that point, and lingering in front of the condom display and stroking your beard while deep in thought is a sure fire way to get yourself banned from a grocery store for good.

Now I own a whole box of twelve condoms that will likely expire before I ever get a chance to use them.

So there’s that little tidbit of humiliation to add to the stack o’ stuff.

Oh! I know! I’ll put one in my wallet so it makes that tell tale “O” shape in the leather over time. THAT’S STILL A THING, RIGHT? All the cool guys have those ring shapes in their wallets, right?

Oh god… I’ve started uncontrollably weeping again… How do I make the weeping stop?

Though, I do have to say, “Self checkout, FTW!” when buying condoms.

BEST. INVENTION. EVER.

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Partners
• Correspondence
• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2010 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.