Monday, February 23, 2009

Acknowledgments

Even if my book never gets published (or written, HA!), at least I know I have the “Acknowledgements” page ready to go.

Thank you, dear reader for picking up and reading my book. I appreciate it.

But before we get to the heart of the matter and into the yarn I have spun especially for you, I need to clear up a couple things.

This book you are holding in your hands? I did it all myself. I bought the computer. I bought the software. Fine, Apple made the computer and those UNIX-y goofballs at Macromates wrote the text editor I used, but apparently I’m supposed to acknowledge them here in MY book because they did their jobs and a simple credit card transaction brought their works to me? Shhhee-yeah, right.

Look, I wrote every single word you are set to savor in this book.

Me.

ALL ME, baby.

I crafted the intricate, deft and surprising plot. I invented the detailed, lovable and believable characters. I even acted out some of the dialog just to make sure it was up the exacting standards someone such as yourself would demand.

Who chose the paper this book is printed on? Me, jackhole. Duh! Only the finest in 100% recycled pulp for my book.

Who dripped ink into the printing press fountains? Of course, I did.

Who ran the giant and incredibly complicated bindery machine to sew this masterpiece together? Your damn skippy, I did all that.

And look at the magnificence I have wrought! Feel that heft! Clearly, what you hold in your hands is without a doubt one of the most important works of fiction in the last four and a half months. And let me assure you that every sentence in this tome has been carefully crafted to amaze, delight and ease you into a higher state of being and consciousness. I am quite positive it will meet with your approval, my new reader friend.

That dust jacket photo? Self shot with a timer, like Real Men do. Every single disgusting and horrendous blemish on my face, all my extraneous and wild nose hair, and even a full and luscious set tresses was Photoshopped out or in as necessary by yours truly, since not only am I an accomplished wordsmith, but even pixels quiver and fall before my dominion.

No one helped me do anything. I just need you to understand that.

Did I ever even ask for help?

No, of course not. I didn’t need any help to birth the splendor you currently cradle in your hands.

And did anyone help me during the editing process? Nosiree, Bob. As a matter of fact, I’m sure that my so-called “editor,” Jane Krapowski, is the person responsible for introducing errors into to the utterly pristine copy I handed over to her. Go look on page 275, for example. See that run-on sentence there at the bottom of the page that meanders around for SIX pages? That’s all her, thinking the passage needed some “meat.” I can’t believe she still gets a salary. Must be some kind of sinecure racket they have going over at Knopf. And man could she ever drone on about the Oxford comma! Word to the wise, never get her started talking about “extreme” punctuation.

Seriously, if it weren’t for me this whole enterprise wouldn’t have gotten off the ground.

And my loving family? Were they patient as I toiled in solitude to produce this magnum opus? Were they supportive of my long nights of shouting bits of dialog into the night sky? Did they offer helpful advice as I sweated the details of this publishing circus?

Let’s go with a resounding “no,” and leave it at that, OK?

Anyway.

Thanks for reading.

YOU, dear reader, I hereby thank. I bow to you. I acknowledge your superior taste in literature and salute you.

Carry on.

Jon scribbled this mess on 02/23/09 at 11:13 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Monday, February 16, 2009

Welcome to Funky Town

Things may be a bit odd around here for the next couple days.

I’m moving the RNT World Domination HQ to a brand new server. So far things look OK, but knowing my level of skill at this sort of thing and because I’ve given up caffeine (again), things might be screwy for a moment or two.

Jon scribbled this mess on 02/16/09 at 12:01 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Yo, What’s the Deal, Here?

“Why have you stopped updating your site, Jon?”

Um.

I’ve been really busy?

Yeah, that won’t fly will it?

OK. Here’s the truth.

I’m writing a book.

STOP SNICKERING AT ME.

Really, I am.

Of course, I don’t have a publisher, an agent or any friends who will read any book I wrote even if I were to pay them large sums of money out of my own pocket, but THAT WILL NOT STOP ME. At this point, it’s more about, “Jon, just write the damn book and get it out of your system” than actually getting it published.

Anyway. Practical upshot. I’m cutting back on posting here to about once a week. Possibly once every two weeks. Hit up the RSS/Subscribe thing-y and you can be alerted the instant I shovel something out. Also, I will continue to update twitter on a daily basis. And the occasional photo.

Thanks for reading. And I’ll be back.

Jon scribbled this mess on 02/04/09 at 10:36 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

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