Tuesday, April 22, 2008

It’s the Economy, Stupid

[Today’s Special Guest Poster is Wall Street. Now obviously, Wall Street is an amalgamation of various financial firms, banks and investment companies and they don’t generally speak with One Voice, but occasionally they get together and sit down to chat. We are so lucky to hear from them today. Wall Street was super busy and didn’t have time to sit down and write a whole piece, but agreed to a short interview.]

Jon: Thanks for talking to us, Wall Street. How are you doing today?

Wall Street: How am I doing? What are you crazy, kid? I’m dying over here. I’m up. I’m down. It’s like a frickin’ roller coaster ride over here. I have no idea what I’m doing from one day to the next. It’s driving me nuts.

J: Bit nervous, are you?

WS: Nervous. Out of sorts. As jittery as a hummingbird on crack, that’s how I am. Wait! Was was that? Did you hear something? Jeez, I’m jumpy this week.

J: I didn’t hear anything. Maybe you should sit down?

WS: Sit down he says. Like I can just sit down! Yeah, like that’s going to go over well on earnings day. Man, I have to keep GROWING! Constantly. The pressure is insane! Seriously. Can’t you hear that noise? It’s like a deep rumbling. I think I’m going to faint.

J: Well, look, I just have a few questions. I’ll try to be brief.

WS: OK. Fine. Go. Shoot.

J: OK. Here we go. I’ve been doing a bit of research on market segments and I’ve noticed in the past few weeks and months and that the market as a whole—

WS: Cripes, man. Get to the point! I don’t have all day here.

J: Um. Sorry.

WS: I can’t believe this crap. You gonna ask the questions or not? And what the hell is that noise? It’s like it’s vibrating my head off over here. You have one of those cheap Blackberries? Man, I hate those things.

J: I don’t hear anything on the line. Anyway. What’s the deal with the market? Where’s it going?

WS: You pulled me off the trading floor to ask me where the market is going? You have got to be kidding me. What is this, amateur hour?

J: I just thought maybe you would have some insight.

WS: Insight. Ha! Kid, where I come from, insight is just another term for insider information, which means doing 5-10 at the Danbury minimum security facility. Here’s your insight kid: The market stinks right now. We are the Paris Hilton of markets right now. All glitz. No substance. The bears are in charge over here. We all thought the banks were solid, but those guys are shuffling paper over there to hide insane sub-prime losses faster than you can say “debenture.” Everyone’s panicking because they know oil is going to hit $150/barrel by summer and all the manufacturing jobs flew to China years ago and all this country cares about is getting the latest scoop on Britney Spears’ crazy hoo-ha. There’s your insight, buddy. That sound is getting louder! I can feel it through the floor now. It’s a deep growling and rumbling noise. You can’t hear that?

J: Sorry, I can’t. So what are you saying? Is it too late for us? Are we screwed economically?

WS: Listen, you didn’t hear it from me, but OF COURSE you are. Look, I’ll do fine. Golden parachute and offshore accounts and all that. But you little people with your mortgages and saving for retirement and college for your kids. Sorry, man, you folks are going to get nailed to the cross.

J: So it’s a recession that’s coming?

WS: DO NOT SAY THAT! What are you, STUPID? You can’t just say that word in public, man! THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT COME! It’s like Cthulhu or something. You speak the forbidden words and The Devourer comes!

J: Oh, sorry about that. OK, next question.

WS: Nope. We’re done. Besides, I have a small and undervalued petro-chemical outfit to take over and break into pieces. Wait! The rumbling is deafening now. IT’S IN THE ROOM WITH ME! AAHHH! MAKE IT STOP! FOR THE LOVE OF JOHN MAYNARD KEYES, MAKE IT STOP! OH NO! IT’S THE COMING OF THE RECESSION! IT’S HERE! HELP! AAAAHHHH!!!!!

And then there was a muffled gurgle and the phone line went dead.

Jon scribbled this mess on 04/22/08 at 08:12 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Monday, April 21, 2008

President Panderer, Ready on Day ONE!

Seems like everyone at some point turns their sites over to someone else and lets them have free reign over the joint. Since I am completely bankrupt creatively, I’ve decided to do the same. I am just pleased as punch to introduce my very first Special Guest Poster here on Ransom Note Typography. Put your hands together, kids, and give a warm RNT welcome to former First Lady and potential Democratic Presidential Nominee, the junior U.S. Senator from New York, Hilary Rodham Clinton!

[Quick! Everybody feign excitement and applaud, or she’ll strangle our bunny as retaliation!]

Thank you, Jon! I appreciate the warm welcome and I just want to assure you that Herbert McFluffy Bunnykins is doing fine back the motorcade.

Today friends, in front of this audience of tens (possibly hundreds, Jon is coy about traffic figures), I’d like to talk to you about America and who is going to be the next President of these great United States of America.

First off, it’s going to be me, or not only will Herbert McFluffy Bunnykins be a goner, but I’ll doing a number on Bill and apparently America still likes him. That’s no idle threat. Since that whole Monica-gate thing, I keep his manhood in a sack by my nightstand. That could easily go down a storm drain right after the election.

Folks, I have a plan for America. It’s a simple plan. I want to be your next President and you have needs, America. Tell me your needs and I’ll promise to fulfill those needs. It’s not about issues any more, right? We are beyond real issues in this country. It’s about who can tell you what you want to hear in the shortest possible amount of time.

I understand this, America!

Easy as pie!

For example: America, you say you want to have a “folksy” President and brother, let me tell you, I can be folksy!

I used to live in Little Rock, Arkansas! Doesn’t get much more folksy than that, does it? Ask Mike Huckabee, he’ll tell you, living in Arkansas means you have mud on your feet all the time!

Let me tell you, that’s folksy!

Plus, I can bowl WAY better than those other two clowns! America wants a good bowler in the White House. And I wear lapel pins!

My pollsters also say that America wants a Christian in the White House.

What do I have in that area? Well, boy howdy, I have anecdotes about faith and religion that will make your head spin!

You say you want health care! Lower gas prices! Better schools! Less crime! More war without dead American soldiers!

I have stories and plans for ALL THOSE THINGS, America!

Elect me!

I will pander to you BETTER than those other two guys in the race!

Take John McCain. You think John McCain knows how to pander? Oh sure, he talks up a good game with his “Plain Spoken Express” but the man has 14 or 15 houses all over the country. You think a man with that many houses is in touch with the common people? I seriously doubt it. And he paints himself as a “Maverick,” for heaven’s sake! Do you think a so-called Maverick is going to pander to you and tell you what you want to hear? No sir, a Maverick is the OPPOSITE of a panderer.

And that other guy running for the Democratic nomination. Obama? Osama? What’s his name anyway? Does that sound like a name a red blooded American would have? No way! If he were truly in this race to win, he’d have changed his name to something more palatable years ago! Like Mike or Bob. THOSE are real names, pal. You think Little O. will deliver and speak to what you want to hear? No, no, he’s all about “hope” and “uniting the country” and “moving forward” and “getting past the gridlock of partisan politics.”

Like that’s EVER going to work!

No, America wants a person with EXPERIENCE in telling you what you want to hear. And friends, I have YEARS and YEARS of experience telling people what they want to hear! I will be READY ON DAY ONE to do just that, America!

Ask Bill! I tell him what he wants to hear ALL the time. Heck, he even thinks I’ll listen to him once I get to the Oval Office!

So, America, (and specifically the citizens of the GREAT state of Pennsylvania, which is a place I simply ADORE. Can I have another cheesesteak? With extra whiz! Go Phillies! Go Pirates! Shame about our Steelers and the Eagles, though. We’ll get ‘em next year! Woo!), remember to vote and when you do vote, cast your ballot for the person who’s going to tell you exactly what you want to hear!

ME!

(Plus, I know where you live and how much you care about your family pets. Wouldn’t want anything to happen to them, would we?)

[I am happy to report that Herbert McFluffy Bunnykins is happily back at home. Though we’ve had a hard time getting the “Hillary for President” bumper sticker off his back.

Tune in tomorrow. More Extra Special Guest Posters all week!]

Jon scribbled this mess on 04/21/08 at 08:11 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Friday, April 18, 2008

They Are Getting Desperate

As you may know, our oldest Child of Love is probably going to leave our nest come fall and go off to college.

How am I dealing with it? I’m… adjusting. Le sigh. Le great big emo sigh.

The other day she got this in the mail:

Forget the pic of Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett on the cover. Note the title and who it is from.

Hooah! from the Army National Guard.

Yes, they are trying to recruit MY daughter for the Army.

Obviously, they have done zero homework on her and this is just a part of a mass mailing they send to all High School seniors. Pigs will fly out her butt before she’d ever set foot in a recruiter’s office. Plus, she’d have to step over my dead body which would be barricading the door to her room.

Though I do get a smile thinking about the marketing people in the Army, all coddled together:

“Sir, recruiting levels are down for this graduating class! What should we do?”

“Well, I guess we better start trying to get anyone we can. Let’s push some of those little magazines out to the nerdy-hippie-pacifists. See if we get any hits. You never know, we may get lucky.”

OK, obviously not, but to know my daughter even in the slightest is to know that she would do very poorly in the Army.

Jon scribbled this mess on 04/18/08 at 02:07 PM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Out of Context Quotes, Early Spring Edition

Back by semi-popular demand. I give you quotes, random and utterly lacking in context, just the way I like ‘em.

Falling in love with methane all over again.

Oh, Safari… Why you gotta make me hit?

I’m writing on my blog why I hate you. Hold please.

Your expense report has been approved. [Suckas!!]

Well, duh. You can’t treat underwear like that and expect it to treat you well.

She is not pretty enough to be that full of crazy. [Someone stealing from Mike Monteiro, methinks, but I heard it at the Deli.]

Guess why I have my hand in my leotard? For FUN! Hee hee!

If I get one more email telling me do do something and it has those idiotic bouncing emoticon smilies at the end, I will strangle her with a USB cable.

I could die happy right now, but then I’d miss out on gloating.

If you drink that much Diet Coke, I think you’ve moved beyond having a refreshing beverage with lunch and into “lifestyle choice” territory.

H: Your headphones are too good, you didn’t here the phone ringing. M: Yes, that was the point of buying them.

Jon scribbled this mess on 04/15/08 at 02:10 PM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Monday, April 14, 2008

I Am Nothing If Not a Faithful and Humble Servant

Me: Jonah, what do you want for breakfast?

Jonah (9): A Toaster Strudel.

Me: Oh, we have those?

Jonah: Yes, in the freezer, on the bottom shelf. One please. The toaster is still downstairs in Lucas’ room. Cook it on medium until it pops up. Once it’s done, spread the frosting on lengthways, not across the toaster strudel. Thanks.

Me: Anything else you require, my liege?

Jonah: That’ll do for now.

Don’t tell him, but I spelled out, “Persnickety little goober head” in frosting BEFORE I spread it all around and handed it over.

Jon scribbled this mess on 04/14/08 at 12:02 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Things I don't understand Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

It’s the Economy, Stupid

Monday, April 21, 2008

President Panderer, Ready on Day ONE!

Friday, April 18, 2008

They Are Getting Desperate

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Out of Context Quotes, Early Spring Edition

Monday, April 14, 2008

I Am Nothing If Not a Faithful and Humble Servant

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