Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Talk Amongst Yourselves

Salient Facts:


  1. Reha is out of town until Friday night.

  2. Because of #1 and my sixteen children, I lack the will to live after 8:30 PM, never long try and be witty, clever or funny

  3. Jonah, the poster child for ADD, has a book report due on Wed. We will both be lucky to be alive come Wednesday morning.

  4. Normal work stuff: Big Client, Tight Deadlines, Insanity, the Usual Fare™.

  5. The new Madonna album drops today. (OK, technically, I don’t really care about Madonna’s new album, but I really don’t care about GTA IV coming out today and that’s about the only other thing happening in media right now.

  6. I am bereft of creativity.

Take all those and stir them up in a pot (a hefty dose of #6, of course) and what do you have? A giant soufflé that deflates on your plate:

I’ll be back next week.

Wait, are you smirking? Stop that!

This is serious stuff! I can’t just let the kids fend for themselves, lock myself in the bedroom and write! (I generally write late in the evenings).

I have to be all responsible and be the Main Parental Unit for a WEEK!

People won’t get fed unless I do it!

Well, technically we have enough junk in the house that the kids could just graze and scrounge enough calories to get by, but NOT on my watch, baby! Real meals. With vegetables and hitting all the major food groups. At Chez Dad we dine well. Or we go out to someplace that has all the major food groups and takes AmEx.

Anyway, this week is going to be goofier than usual for me and updates will be virtually non-existent, I suspect.

Jon scribbled this mess on 04/29/08 at 12:05 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Monday, April 28, 2008

Thank You For Your Input

Jon: Elllis, did you know that we almost didn’t name you Ellis?

Ellis (5) [Shocked and horrified]: What?!

J: Yeah, we considered “Floopy McBundy Deal” but decided against it at the last minute.

E [Even more chagrined]: Nu-uh! No Way!

J: Totally true, E.

E: Hmph!

[Silence for a few moments]

Jonah [chiming in from the other room]: I like “Floopy” better.

Jon scribbled this mess on 04/28/08 at 12:03 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Friday, April 25, 2008

Maybe a Little Angst?

My last Special Guest Poster for the week is my lovely and delightful wife, Reha. I didn’t even have to pester to her to write this one. She told me a few days ago that she felt fine about turning 40 yesterday. I wonder.

Top 10 reasons to die before you turn 40:

10. Gray hair
9. Spider veins
8. Your beautiful children turn into teenagers
7. The price of plastic surgery
6. Second mortgage
5. Mini-vans
4. Surly children and their spelling words
3. Paying for college
2. Mammograms
1. Chin hair

Jon scribbled this mess on 04/25/08 at 06:57 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Emotional Baggage Carousel

[Today’s Special Guest Poster is my Inner Child. Note: my Inner Child talks *very* fast, has poor grammar and the attention span of a gnat. Not that different than my usual fare, I suppose.]

Hi!

What’s up, chicken butt?

Ha! Ha!

I mean, what’s up, Internet?!

OK, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say here, but they say you should always start off with a joke.

OK, here we go!

It’s a dirty joke. Am I allowed to tell dirty jokes? OK, it’s not really a DIRTY joke, but it is REALLY funny. Well, it’s dirty, but it doesn’t have swear words. Is that OK? Are you sure? I don’t want to get in trouble or anything. Remember that one time I said the “s” word kind of loud in Mrs. Hennessy’s class and everyone turned around and stared at me, but I didn’t know it was a bad word and then I had to go to the vice principal’s office and he made me stay after school and pound erasers clean on the red brick wall outside? That wasn’t very fun at all and I got chalk dust all over me and I had a coughing fit because of all the dust and then when I got home I got I trouble all over again for getting in trouble in the first place and then even more trouble when I wouldn’t say WHY I got in trouble at school, since I’d get in even more trouble for saying the “s” word?

OK, I’m going to tell my dirty joke now. Are you ready? Because you are going to DIE from laughing!

“How did the white horse get turned black?”

Hold on, I have to pee. I’ll be right back.

Hey! I’m back! The bathroom is kind of scary. The toilet is REALLY LOUD when it flushes. And the swirly it makes is SUPER strong and I thought maybe I was going to be sucked down into the vortex. Where does that go anyway?  think it goes into the sewer where the alligators live. I didn’t want to touch the seat, but I ended up having to go #2 so I had to sit. Do you think I’ll catch any diseases from sitting on that thing? Plus, my tooshie got splashed when I went and that’s really gross. I HATE it when that happens. I think the swirly thing tries to reach out and grab me and that’s why I run away really fast after I flush. You do that, too, right?

Where was I?

Oh! My joke! It’s really funny! Let me start again.

“How did the white dog get turned black?”

I know! I changed it to a dog from a horse, but it makes a LOT more sense as a dog instead of a horse. I’m allergic to dogs. And horses, too. We got me a puppy when Mom and Dad got a divorce, but no one knew I was allergic to dogs when we got the dog and since I’m allergic and the dog slept in my bed with me, I ended up scratching myself red and bloody. That wasn’t any fun, and my eyes got all runny and swollen, too, and then the puppy had to go away. I wasn’t really sad when the dog went away because even though it was really cute, I think I wanted to die after a couple hours.

Where was I?

Oh! The joke. It’s really funny! And dirty! It’s a dirty joke!

“How did the white dog get turned black?”

“He fell into a mud puddle!”

HA! HA! Get it!? The dog was white and then fell into a mud puddle and got all dirty! That’s why it’s a dirty joke!

Why aren’t you laughing? It’s funny!

Jon scribbled this mess on 04/24/08 at 10:21 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

A Word from the Small Person in the House

[Today’s Special Guest Poster is my youngest daughter Ellis (5). Pretty sure she’s making some of this stuff up.

I like to color. I like to play with my toys. My favorite toy is my princess cash register.

My big brother Lucas is fun and friendly and he needs a haircut or he won’t look cool.

My big brother Jonah likes to play with Legos. He’s kind of funny and is like a monkey.

My big sister Carrie was in a play. I wasn’t allowed to see it because it was too scary for me. During Spring Break she took care of me. We went out to lunch with her friend Autumn.

My mom did the marathon and she runs a lot and she likes to play games and she likes my pictures. The ones that I draw. She’s funny and makes little funny jokes like, “Why did the meatball roll down the house? Because he thought it would be fun, but he fell down and he hit his head and he went in the dirt and then he grew a bush and that had meatballs on it.”

I like to play princesses with my dress ups. My favorite movie is Mariposa and my favorite book is “The Secret Mermaid Handbook.” I go to school and I don’t like nap time and I like to sing and play with my friends. I like to read at school. Tonight my mom gave me a haircut and now I have nice bangs. My mom took me to see Disney Princesses on Ice and it was FUN! I liked it when Cinderella was in a carriage on ice. She had no horses. And when the dragon came out in the Sleeping Beauty part. He blowed out fire [sic.] and lit the ice on fire.

My Daddy is silly and he was sick over the weekend. He is not cute. He has an iPhone and it’s cool because you can touch the screen and watch Harry Potter Puppet Pals on it.

That’s all I have to say and can we be done now?

Jon scribbled this mess on 04/23/08 at 12:02 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post Favorite Entries. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link
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