Tuesday, March 18, 2008

An Adult Conversation

I am not at my best early in the morning.

Ellis (5): I DON’T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL!

Me (no caffeine in my system yet): For the love of all that is holy on this green earth, why not?

Ellis: I don’t like my shirt!

Me: What is wrong with it?

E (whispering in my ear and weeping a bit): It doesn’t have sparkles and it isn’t cute like Madison’s! [I’m guessing here, but I’m pretty sure Madison is some trollop in her pre-school class, WHOM I NOW LOATHE, because SHE has caused me this grief.]

Me (trying to be understanding, but more than a little exasperated): When I brought it to you and put it on you, not three minutes ago, my friend, you were excited about it.

E (shouting right in my ear now): NO, I WASN’T!

Me: Yeah, E., you were. You said, “Oh, I love this shirt!”

E: NU-UH!

Me: YA-HUH!

E: NU-UH!

Me: YA-HUH!

[Repeat that for a while.]

E: YOU AREN’T REMEMBERING IT RIGHT! [and then she punched me]

Reha: Jeez! Both of you, KNOCK IT OFF! Ellis, the shirt you have is very cute, it doesn’t need sparkles. Jon, would you please try and be the adult here?

Me (a bit sulkily, I must admit): She started it!

[Annnnndddd.... Scene!]

Friday, March 14, 2008

Couple of My Favorite Things

Ben Folds.

Cool Type.

If there were some kind of Star Wars reference tossed in, my life might be complete now.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Things Besides a Shame That $4300 Will Buy You

New York’s governor, Eliot Spitzer is likely to resign. (Update, he has). At the very least the accusations that he spent $4300 for an hour with a prostitute in a swanky D.C. hotel will ruin his political career and cripple his administration in NY. Plus, you know, his marriage might suffer. (YA THINK?!)

We here at Ransom Note Typography would like take a moment to point out just what His Honor, the Governor could have bought himself for $4300.

1. A very tricked out Mac Pro (4GB of RAM + 2 extra 1TB hard drives and a high speed wireless card. 2TB will store a metric booty-load of “imagery” if you get my meaning)


2. A *really* nice GE Monogram refrigerator


3. More Beanie Babies than a person should legally be able to purchase


4. 62 teal green 2GB iPod Shuffles


5. 8600 packages of M&Ms from Pete our local porn dealer. Pete would probably throw in some free pr0n, I bet.


6. 430 .Mac accounts for all his “friends” so they can “sync” [wink, wink]


7. A ginourmous flat panel TV


8. Round trip airfare to Nevada, a stay in a nice hotel with a nice buffet and room service where his activities and proclivities would be perfectly legal


9. Feed a child for a year or so in some in some impoverished country


10. A used Maserati BiTurbo. Heck. Just start perusing ebay motors and go nuts


11. Some combination of the above. Say, a nice MacBook (spring for the Black one and be one of the cool kids!), one teal green iPod Shuffle, a three pound bag of M&Ms from Costco and a road trip to Vegas in his new-to-him BiTurbo. Forget about the fridge and TV, though, they won’t fit in the Maserati. Sacrifices, you know.

Though personally, you know me. If I had $4300 to spend scurrilously I’d be all over the Beanie Babies.

Nice Save, My Friend

Driving in the car last night:

Jonah (9): I am a mouse, eating a sandwich! [Never mind why he said this, as he is sometimes prone to random, goofy outbursts; let’s just go with it.]

Lucas (13): Your Mom is a mouse eating a sandwich. [a variation on the whole Napoleon Dynamite “Your Mom goes to college!” extravaganza. Oy. Freaking. Vey. Somebody kill me now.]

Reha (from the driver’s seat, with a tone in her voice): What did you say?

Lucas: Well, Mom, mice are cute. And you are cute. And, um, uh… sandwiches are delicious!

Me: Well played, buddy. Well played.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

A Lesson in Vocabulary Coming Up

Ellis comes running up the stairs to interrupt the adults having a pleasant conversation.

Ellis: Mom! Dad! Guess. What.

Reha: What?

Ellis: Today, Lucas had FIVE Mountains Dews!

Me: Wow, that’s a lot.

E: It is. It is inappropriate.

Far too many people in her life use far too many large words, is what I think.

 

Novus

Proximus

 

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.