Friday, February 15, 2008

New Credo

I have a new credo I’m going to integrate into my life:

“Never trust any language where you don’t pronounce all the syllables and letters.”

Specifically, the French language.

English, too.

So I’ll be posting in Italian until English (and French to a lesser extent) regains my trust.

Why the hysteria? Because yet again, the French and their goofy language have betrayed me. For VaIentine’s Day I tried to buy Reha some nice parfum (the real stuff, none of that Eau de Toilette nonsense) and I was foiled and deceived by both languages.

Espirt de parfum is NOT just parfum in spritzer/spray form, you STUPID, DUMB web merchant, who obviously doesn’t speak French either.

Va bene, adesso vado a piangere nell’angolo della stanza. Nostra giornata del coure è stato rovinata da scemi e cretini!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

I’m Not Really Anti-Valentine’s Day

More dialog from an unfinished novel thing-y. (A different one, wouldn’t you know).


“But you said you loved me! I even have it in writing.”

“Oh. Well, I was just being polite.”

“Polite?! You were just being polite? That’s insane.”

“What? Why? You told me you loved me and I didn’t want to be rude. So I said ‘I love you, too.’ I didn’t want things to be weird between us.”

“Well, congratulations, I don’t think things could be any weirder between us now.”

“You say that like it’s my fault.”

“But what about over dinner at La Torre the other night? We were waiting for the appetizers to come and you raised your glass of Piñot Grigot and said, ‘I love you, Benjamin.’”

“Oh, yeah. That. Couldn’t think of anything to else to say.”

“What?!”

“Neither of us had said anything for a while, so I was feeling kind of uncomfortable. And the restaurant was so quiet. Seemed like a nice thing to say. I guess not.”

“So let me get this straight. You told me that you loved me simply to fill dead air?”

“I’m in radio. We hate dead air. You know that!”

For past year’s Valentine’s Day messages see here and perhaps even here.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

YouTube == Productivity Killer for Middle Aged Man Remembering His Childhood

Seriously thinking about blocking YouTube at the router, because I keep finding things like this, AND I HAVE NO SELF-CONTROL.

The above vid and almost all the “Related Videos” represent the bulk of my lunch hour today. Me with a “failure salad,” a Diet Coke and YouTube. *sigh*

Chuck Jones + Mel Blanc == genius.

And of course, “What’s Opera, Doc?” (aka, “Kill the wabbit!")

You have NO idea how many times while playing D&D someone dork kid in our group would shout, “My Spear and Magic Helmet!! I kill them with my Spear and Magic Helmet!!”

Again, I didn’t date a lot in high school. Need I explain that again?

Monday, February 11, 2008

RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!

I don’t do product reviews here, mostly because I’m a pretty relaxed (read, lazy) fellow. Plus, my Mom taught me, “if you don’t have anything mice to say, don’t say anything at all.” But I could not let this one go. I can not remain silent and while this confectionary tragedy marches on.

In the spirit of journalistic integrity, you should know that I have not been compensated by the M&M Mars company for this review. On the contrary, I’m investigating where to forward my medical bills.

Deep in the bowels of the M&M/Mars candy factories, they have created a monstrosity so foul, so noxious and so dastardly that either this stuff gained sentience, escaped the labs and is plotting world domination or someone at the M&M/Mars factory is mightily grumpy and released this new product on our unsuspecting world.

Chocolate Mix Skittles

Executive Summery Review: Nasty beyond all that is reasonable and can still be called a “food-product.”

Somewhat More Lengthy Review:

First off, I posit that candy, since it is loaded with sugar and absent any real nutritional value, is a treat. Eat your veggies, have a package of candy. That’s the model I use when eating candy.

(Alternatively, “I had lunch a couple hours ago. I had a salad. I had a cookie after promising myself that I’d go to the gym. Now it’s four in the afternoon. I’m starving. I think I’ll conveniently ignore my vow to limit sugar in my diet and go have a little candy. Fifteen minutes pass and I’ll have eaten an entire 6 pound bag of peanut M&Ms, forgetting that I’m also deathly allergic to peanuts and now have to stab an epi-pen into my thigh or pass out form anaphylactic shock.")

Either way, eating candy is supposed to please your senses, not rape your taste buds and leave them for dead on the side of the road.

Second, the candies are all brown or close to brown colored. The packaging is brown. Brown may work as a color for UPS, but for a candy? No, not so much. Completely unappetizing. They don’t resemble candy so much as they remind you of elk poo. Little brown nuggets of nasty.

Third, they have chosen flavors, though they seem like they should go together pretty well, when you toss a handful in your mouth, go together like stripes and plaid.

See, my general modus operandi when eating normal Skittles, is to take a few and snarf them down. The fruit flavors mix together and the sensation is pleasing to me. So naturally, that’s what I did after opening my package of Chocolate Mix Skittles.

HUGE mistake.

With the Chocolate Mix Skittles, I may as well be shoving a handful of sugary, bile-flavored glop into my craw. It’s unpleasant. Seriously, the CIA should forget water boarding al-Quieda members to get them to talk. Just give them a handful of this candy and I promise, we’ll find bin Laden within the hour.

The new flavors are:

S’mores There is a hint of marshmallow in there, but it’s overwhelmed by the metallic cadmium flavor.

Chocolate Carmel Remember when you had your first Sugar Baby? Carmel and Chocolate and the carmel was so thick that you’d chew on one piece of candy for half a day. It was glorious. Heck, I still have a Sugar Daddy from band practice in the 11th grade that I’m working on. I keep it back by my upper left molars (this is why I speak with a lisp). The Chocolate Carmel Chocolate Mix Skittle takes those sweet and innocuous Sugar Baby memories and layers over them an implanted false memory of you being seven years old and alone in a room with your weird Uncle Joe tickling you mercilessly until you pee all over your Garanimals. The best thing you could say about the Chocolate Caramel flavor is that it is inappropriate. The worst: felonious.

Chocolate Pudding Pudding should never crack and crumble in your mouth. Plus, it made the right side of my face go numb and I didn’t stop drooling until this morning.

Brownie Batter I put it in my mouth, bit down, passed out and when I woke up, I was naked, shivering and in a Turkish prison, accused of spying for the American Dogs.

Vanilla Yes, in the Chocolate Mix Skittles, there is a vanilla flavor. You may draw your own conclusions about that. I’m guessing that’s because they tried to do a “Dark Chocolate” flavor, but even they thought it tasted like motor oil. I imagine this is the conversation that went down in the lab:

M&M Researcher #1: We can’t use the Dark Chocolate flavor! The focus group is still vomiting. One is complaining that his hair fell out. All are threatening lawsuits.

M&M Researcher #2: Crap.

M&M Researcher #1: No, we are already doing the crap flavor, remember? That’s the code name for the “Chocolate Caramel” flavor.

M&M Researcher #2: No, I mean, ‘nuts!’

M&M Researcher #1: Well, we could try putting nuts in there, but I think people will choke on them. Some of them are losing fine muscle control, so I’m not sure if we want to take that risk. The lawyers will be all over that.

M&M Researcher #2: Look. Why don’t we just use the vanilla flavor? It tested OK. No one threw up during the initial testing. And we only got one case of severe abdominal cramping a week later. That might not have even been related to the Skittle, you know? Who can know about these things!

M&M Researcher #1: But they are supposed to be Chocolate Mix Skittles! If we put a vanilla flavored candy in there, won’t people think we are idiots?

M&M Researcher #2: Nyahh. Come on! This is the American palette we are talking about. The same people that think breakfast cereal bars actually have milk in them and are good for you! Trust me, no one is going to care or even notice a vanilla flavored Skittle in the Mix. Plus, we have to get them out this quarter!

Really. Stay away from this jambalaya of pain. Unless you are feeling annoyed with someone and want to send them into a coma; why, then Chocolate Mix Skittles are the PERFECT gift, just in time for Valentine’s Day.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Laundry Day

Another study in the blindingly obvious by our four year old:

Ellis [outraged]: WHY IS MY DORA THE EXPLORER UNDERWEAR IN THE TRASH?

Reha: It had poop on it, E. We washed it but it didn’t come clean. So I threw it away.

Ellis [somewhat mollified and matter-of-factly]: Oh. Well, that’s just because I don’t wipe very well.

 

Novus

Proximus

 

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.