Thursday, January 10, 2008

This Is Why People Have Stopped Talking to Me at Work

A couple of co-workers came into my Dungeon of Doom work area this morning.

Me: Hey! You shaved!

Astounded and Clean Shaven Co-Worker: Yeah, about a week ago. You talked to me at staff meeting this week, remember? About MacWorld next week?

Me: Oh yeah, the iPhone stuff. Right. [lengthly re-cap of everything I said about the coming iPhone SDK thankfully omitted.]

Other Co-Worker: Does your chin feel naked now?

ACSCW: Yeah, it does! But I have my Dad’s chin, so I don’t feel it.

Me: You have your Dad’s chin?! You stole his chin? What’s he doing for a chin now? How does he make that “Hmmm, I’m thinking now” gesture? How does he chew his food?!

And then they wandered off.


Annnnnd.... Scene!

Jon scribbled this mess on 01/10/08 at 10:26 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

I Got Your Primary Politics, Right Here Pal

I’m not really going to wade into the political mish-mash this presidential season*, but I do want to say this, since we just finished the New Hampshire Primary:

Will someone please wake up Fred Thompson and tell him he came in 6th in the New Hampshire primary? Go on, give him a nudge, he’ll stir. Eventually.

Behind Ron Paul even.

Speaking of Ron Paul, I’ve decided that the next person who ticks me off is going to get sent to the Great and Terrible Ron Paul Internet Mosh Pit, where a whole slew of insane, crazy and “man, these people have to be off their meds” folks will sit down and explain in GREAT and LENGTHY detail that not only should Ron Paul be the next President of the US, but also why Ron Paul should come and tuck them in at night. There will be much talk of a blimp (really, a blimp!) and then, once that person wants to stab a fork in their ears, they’ll be introduced to Dennis Kucinich.

Seriously, there are so many internet nerds jumping on the Ron Paul bandwagon that if he’s elected, they are going to lobby to have Congress convene at a ComicCon.

cue *rim shot*

Thanks! I’ll be here all week. Tip your servers!




*However, I reserve the right to mish-mash on demand as I see fit.

Jon scribbled this mess on 01/08/08 at 11:01 PM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Leaving a Trail Wherever I Go

Over the weekend while our power was out we went to the grocery store. Yes, we needed groceries, but we mostly wanted to loiter in a place that was WARM for as long as possible. We bought a tube of these:

I ate half the can on Sunday afternoon before I realized what I was eating. (Technically I’m on a diet, but on Sundays, I eat whatever I want, damn the torpedoes.) I’d gobbled a metric ton of Pringles, chock full of olestra.

You ever heard of olestra? You probably have and this is all old news. It’s a fat substitute. It’s chemically different than naturally occurring fats, but ends up tasting a lot like “normal” fat in food. The body doesn’t (or can’t) process the olestra stuff so the “fat” in the olestra isn’t absorbed by the body. So as a food manufacturer, you can strip out the troubling “normal” fat and replace it with olestra (for a fee under the brand name “Olean” thanks to the wizards at Protor & Gamble) and Shazam on a Stick! you have yourself a tasty, tasty “low-fat” treat.

Except of course for the small problem:
Anal leakage.

And possibly moderate to severe abdominal cramping; presumably as your body rebels and the tries to shoot the olestra gunk out as quickly as possible.

Anyway.

I’m not going to go into a lot of detail here and delve into areas labeled “Too Much Information”

I’m just going to say this and be done with it:

Yesterday my gastrointestinal tract put on a Broadway-worthy show which could best be described as remarkable.

Stunning.

Thought provoking.

Uncomfortable.

That is all.

Jon scribbled this mess on 01/08/08 at 11:33 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Monday, January 07, 2008

Next Time I’ll Jut Say “Fine” and Be Done With It

Me: Good Morning!

Usually Nice and Generally Pleasant Deli Lady: Hi.

Me: I’ll have a toasted asiago bagel with cream cheese and small vat of Diet Coke™, please.

Usually Nice and Generally Pleasant Deli Lady: OK.

Me: Thanks.

UNAGPDL: How are you this morning?

Me: Kinda grumpy actually. Didn’t sleep well last night and our power went out on Friday night and didn’t come back on until Saturday afternoon. Got behind on all the stuff we needed to do. Ugh. Have a bit of a headache this morning, too.

UNAGPDL: Great! That’s nice.

After all these years I still haven’t learned the social contract that when people ask you how you are or how things are going; THEY AREN’T REALLY ASKING THAT QUESTION. They are just being polite or filling up space.

Jon scribbled this mess on 01/07/08 at 09:09 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Friday, January 04, 2008

Failed New Year’s Resolutions, 2008 Edition

Every year I make a nice list of New Year’s Resolutions. I usually do OK with some of them and not so great at others. This year, however, I’m morbidly proud to announce that four days into the new year I have already failed at ALL of my resolutions, so now I can just relax for the rest of the year.


  1. Stop drinking carbonated and caffeinated beverages. Unfortunately, the permanent IV line that snakes into my veins from a 55 gallon drum of pure, unadulterated Diet Coke syrup has started to heal nicely. Plus the tubing makes a lovely necklace and the color sets off my eyes really well.

  2. Lose some weight I should have never opened that enormous bag of mini Three Musketeers, that was my first mistake. My second was washing down that entire bag with a bucket filled with a delicious chocolate shake. And do you know how hard it is to resist the siren call of bacon or a chicken fried steak with a side of creamy, buttery mashed potatoes? My heavens to Betsy wrapped up in deep fried meat, it’s impossible.

  3. Exercise more Haven’t been the to gym in weeks. Have zero desire to to go the gym. Which is kind of ironic, since before the holiday break I was incredibly faithful about going to the gym going on a couple months. I could even see muscles and was starting to see some real improvements. Now I get tired just playing Guitar Hero III with the kids.

  4. Stop saying mean things about Republicans When I said, “I bet Mike Huckabee strangles a puppy every day for his morning constitutional,” I meant that as as compliment.

  5. Get out of debt This would be totally “do-able” expect that I simply had to have that full set of “mint in box” 1977 Star Wars action figures from ebay the other night.

  6. Learn another foreign language. This would be commendable, except my real goal is to learn to swear in as many languages as possible.

  7. Be a better father Look, if I’m going to lift even one finger to be a better father, then the kids are going to have to be better children. They could start by buying me Star Wars action figures from their allowances so I wouldn’t have to fork over thousands and thousands of dollars to some sweaty Cheet-o stained geek on ebay who complains if his PayPal payment isn’t completed pico-seconds after the auction has ended: “Worst. E-Bayer. Ever. F-----”

  8. Floss nightly This one was so “pie in the sky” as to be laughable. Tried it the other evening before bed and my gums bled so badly that I passed out and woke up on the bathroom floor with floss twisted around my fingers and a pounding headache. Never again.

  9. Stop writing posts at work. At the very least I should start manipulating the time stamps so it appears that I’m not blogging at work.

I’ll try harder next year, I promise.

Jon scribbled this mess on 01/04/08 at 11:42 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link
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