Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Suspicious

The talented schmutzie posted a list of things that make her suspicious. She did nine. I’m doing eight, because not only am I a rebel, but I’m an under-achiever.

— People talking to themselves. Are they crazy homeless people or merely yuppies with bluetooth headsets? I swear, sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference. You can’t really go by dress alone. Yuppies have been known to do trashy chic. And certainly you can’t go by what the person is saying. “No, I need you to push that! That is completely unacceptable! Those guys are out to get me!” I’ve heard similar things from both bluetooth sporting weenies and unmedicated homeless people. Either way, I’m steering clear.

— A quiet house. It can mean one of a few things, all bad. 1) the kids are squirreled away, silently “plotting the overthrow of this despotic state!” (really, that’s a direct quote from Lucas the other day), 2) crazy ax murderers have come to visit (again!) and are waiting to leap out at me from underneath the stairs, 3) the pod people have gotten to my family and I’m completely alone in the Universe now. I’ll be lonely!

— People who dislike The Beatles. Please understand, I’m not a huge über-fan; The Beatles were a bit before my time, generationally speaking (SHUT UP, I know generationally is kinda crappy English, work with me here, friends), but how can you say, “I hate The Beatles!”? It’s happy fun music! Mostly. I know, I know, musical taste is an utterly subjective affair, but come on, surely we can all say that The Beatles were pretty decent and you have to be at least a little “off” if you hate them. And Sgt. Peppers’ simply has to be on everyone’s “Greatest Albums of All Time” list. It’s a masterpiece. So if you actively dislike The Beatles, you MUST have something very wrong with you. Q.E.D., I grow suspicious in your company. Back off.

— Beeps that I don’t recognize. Given that my world is full of computers and electronic gadgets, I hear a lot of beeping and chiming. I’ve even gone so far as to program my computer life so that certain sounds that mean specific things. It helps me to know when I’ve gotten email from my wife or whether a server has gone south, etc. So when I hear a beep or twiddle I don’t immediately recognize, I get nervous.

— When I see my contractor’s number on my cell phone. Although when I see his number, it’s not just suspicion, it’s outright terror. “How much? Really? That will set the schedule back that long?”

— People who dress up as their favorite Star Wars/Anime/Dungeon & Dragons character. Look, I’m a nerd and a geek and all that, but the whole cosplay thing not only weirds me out, but I become deeply mistrustful of these folks. You are not a fictional character nor are you in a roving gang of street theater thugs, so please stop dressing like that. This is one of the many reasons why, even though I might enjoy it on some deeply nerdly level, I’ll never go to a Star Trek convention.

— Dora the Explorer. Anyone who talks that loudly has must be hiding something. I think in a later series we’ll find that she off’ed Diego in order to get their inheritance and then tossed him in the sea and he was eaten by his dolphin friends. WHY MUST SHE SHOUT EVERYTHING?

— I become suspicious of dairy products as they creep closer to their expiration dates. ONE SECOND after midnight on the expiration date and I’m not putting that milk on my cereal, no matter if it still smells “OK.” I don’t care. The expiration date is not a suggestion, people, it’s The Rule and The Law.

Since she just made this meme up out of the ether, I hereby tag anyone who reads this and wants to make their own list to feel free to take up the cause.

Although specifically, I think it would be wonderful and life affirming to see a list of suspicions from the following folks:

FluidPudding
Anitra
RaJ
Workman

We are a nation of paranoids.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Skipping Down Memory Lane

Again, I know it’s not Sunday, so I’ll just go ahead and get this out of the way: I hereby am NOT posting pics from my junior high yearbook on Sunday afternoons during the month of November. I’m just going to do it anytime I feel like it and as I see fit.

I’m also not going to comment extensively on these. Best to leave some things to the imagination.

But let’s start off with the Most Important Thing Ever.

Me!

Looking Surprised!

I CAN HAZ A COCA_COLA?!

Any one of those people could and would have kicked my booty if I’d ever looked at them askew.

Same thing on the booty-kicking here. Although I wouldn’t even have to have looked at the tall girl. She might have come looking for me. Just ‘cause, you know. I remember her as kind of a “meanie.”

I think anything I could add here would just be fanning the flames. Putting kindling on the fire. Piling on. Just doesn’t seem fair.

A photo taken in Metal Shop. I never took metal shop. They look like they are having fun, don’t they?. But don’t let this photo fool you. After the photographer left, these boys went right back to what they were previously doing. Making a pot pipe. Really, that was the only reason anyone ever took shop, metal or wood. Make themselves a nice pipe for their “doobage.” Trust me on that one.

Another pic of a crowd to which I did not belong. And dig that lovely “Journey” tee-shirt on the girl on the right. Funny thing. I bet people would pay decent money for that on ebay these days. A vintage Journey 1980 tour tee? I might even but that, just for fun, even though Steve Perry always bugged me and I didn’t really like Journey. Ohh! Bonus! One of these girls got pregnant the next year. I can’t remember which, but it was quite the scandal I can tell you that.

Previous Junior High crap fun here and here. And I almost forgot about this one.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

This Is Why Some People Remain Childless by Choice

Ellis: Mommy! Daddy! Look! I can ice skate!

Mommy and Daddy [not really paying attention]: Great, honey.

Ellis: Whee!

We finally look over and she is indeed sliding across the floor. The new flooring. The new, expensive and hard won flooring. But she doesn’t have socks on, like we assumed. Her feet are bare and it’s like they are made of teflon the way she’s gliding across the room.

Parent [can’t remember which]: Ellis! What is going on? WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING?!

Ellis [excited and delighted]: Jell-O is slippery!

We have a no-spanking policy at the Deal Family Compound, but sometimes I question why.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

I’ll Have My Behavior Mapped Out and a Side of Moo Goo Gai Pan, Please

The fam went out for Chinese last night. We discovered that according to the menu at the Chinese place, Jonah was born under the Year of the Tiger. Lucas is a Dog. I am a Sheep, but we can discuss what that means much later during my therapy session.

Again, according to the Menu—and we all know how those are accurate predictors of human behavior—the Tiger is supposed to look to the Dog or the Horse for happiness.

Jonah [to Lucas]: Hey, that’s kind of right. You’re a Dog and I do look to you for happiness!

Reha: And Carrie is a Horse! So you look to your older siblings for happiness. Interesting, huh?

Jonah: Well, I’ve given up on Carrie.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Yeah, Sorry About That, My Bad

A whole bunch of years ago, at a different job, I did a dumb thing. Truth be told, it wasn’t so much dumb as it was stupid. You may also call me a moron, I’m cool with that as well.

Here’s the scene:

I’m in someone’s office/work area. Let’s call him Steve, since that’s his name. A few of us are there working late and it’s about 10 or so in the evening. For reasons too complicated and tedious to go into now, his workspace is quite large and has two phones, one on each end.

Phone rings.

I answer it. It’s Steve’s wife. I recognize her voice instantly as it’s quite distinctive. Instead of saying, “Hello Marie, let me get Steve for you. Hold the line please.” I launch into something else.

I would make an excellent receptionist, except for that part about not really liking to speak on the phone very much.

The something else is this:

Instead of being a normal human being I greet her with:

“Is this Tiffany? No, wait, you don’t sound like Tiffany at all. You are Sandy, aren’t you? Nancy? Jeez! Sorry! I can’t keep all you women Steve goes out with straight! Ha! Ha!”

This schtick goes on for a while. A veritable rolodex of names. I’m a hoot!

Finally, I transfer the phone over to Steve on the other side of the room, yelling out, “Steve, it’s your wife, not TIffany like I thought at first!”

No one has laughed or smiled at my delightsome bit of whimsy. Why, since it’s such a clever bit of mischievous fun?!

Completely unknown to me, just a day earlier my man Steve-O had copped to his wife of numerous affairs in the past. And he was cheating on her with someone else (again), though he’d lied to her during his “confession” and said he was “done with all that.”

I’ll be here all weekend, kids! Tip your waiters!

 

Novus

Proximus

 

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.