Friday, November 30, 2007

Out With a Whisper

You know what I didn’t really do this entire month here on the site?

("Write well, not just often” is not an option, so pipe down.)

I haven’t posted pictures of Ellis!

Let’s rectify that, post haste.

Did you know we have a bunny? We used to have two. One died. We were sad. We now have one. Bunnies are great. Low maintenance and very cute. Not really sure what they are good for, beside petting. But in one way I guess it’s good that we have a pet we could theoretically make into a nice soup, should we fall on hard times. Not that I’m advocating eating one’s pets and I’ve never made nor slurped rabbit stew, but I’m just sayin’… Rabbits are kind of strange pets.

Crazy making and fearsomely cute and whip smart all wrapped up into a tiny package.

Finally, the house really should be done in a week. Like, wow. A couple days ago, our contractor installed our fabulous oven and scary cool microwave oven.

I can’t tell you how much I want to bake something RIGHT NOW. Reha won’t let me take off the plastic wrap until the whole thing is done. BUT I WANT TO MAKE A PIE!

The cabinets still need the handles/pulls. And the concrete countertops go in next week. And the sink and plumbing hook ups. And some finished drawer fronts need to be installed. And the light fixtures go in next week. As soon as we choose them, of course. More decisions! Whee! So close.

This hereby ends NaBloPoMo. Thirty days, one post per day. Invigorating, frightening and delightful all at the same time. Kind of like riding a roller coaster blindfolded and naked, in the dead of winter and it’s snowing and the wind is blowing so your naughty bits become frostbitten and now you have to have a hose in order to flush waste properly from your body.

Maybe that’s not the best metaphor.

You get it, though?

In any case.

I’m done.

Later!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Things To Do Before I Die

You know how people have those lists of cool things they want to do before the keel over? Like “Go to France and spit on the Eiffel Tower” (I’m a wee bit afraid of heights, so I’d just spit ON the thing, much easier than having to swallow a bottle of Atavan just so I could get in the elevator), “Learn a foreign language so I can pick up chicks/dudes in France” and “Meet J.K. Rowling and kick her in the boo-roo for the incredibly lame epilogue to Book Seven.”

Nothing so pedantic and boring for me, my friend.

— See the house remodel finished. (this is un-possible, I know, but a boy can dream)

— Moonwalk (the Michael Jackson dance move, not walk on the moon, though that would be kind of cool, but I’m pretty sure I’d get sick during flight training for the moon, throw up during the centrifuge test, have to leave astronaut school in disgrace and become a rutabaga farmer like my cousin Bernie (the one with the removable eye who did time for monkey smuggling).)

— A back flip from standing straight up. (Note to self, start wearing a helmet while practicing and stop practicing on concrete)

— Finish my giant paper mache Millennium Falcon Project. (it’s going to be SO awesome once I figure out how make a tiny furry Chewbacca out of the sports section)

— Invent time machine and go back in time to 2000 and smack every single voter in Florida who voted for Pres. Bush upside the head with a large and smelly trout. Then run away. (Alternatively, if the time machine proves difficult to construct, just find Karl Rove and kick him in the shins. Hard.)

— Get all restraining orders against me lifted. (Specifically, the ones involving Jen and Carrot Top (I don’t like to talk about that one very much. He knows why. I kept trying to tell the authorities the pepper spray just went off; it was a total accident, but no one believed me down at the station, what with the paper trail of weird emails I kept sending him at 4 AM every Thursday. It was a strange time in my life, that’s all I should say.))

— Get Bill Gates home number and prank call him. (“Is your refrigerator running?” that sort of thing. I’m not proud of this one)

— Randomly reach around and tap strangers on the shoulder on the bus and then act like I wasn’t the one who tapped them on the shoulder. Repeat many times until they either move away from me or ask me to stop. (This is such a good idea, I might start riding the bus just to do it.)

You know… at some point, I think I might have to sit down and make a real “before I die to do list.” ’Cause honestly? Besides take Reha on a trip to Venice and see the kids grow up, I can’t think of that much I simply have to do.

Which is not to say that I’m ready to die, but I don’t feel anything that pressing.

Hmm. Perhaps a dose of ambition might be in order.

What’s on your “List”? Can I just steal yours?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Not That There Is Anything Wrong With That

My friend Richard has his IM client set to show what song is currently playing in his iTunes. I think he does this mostly so people like me can see the he and his musical selections are so much cooler than mine.

Remember kids, I’m a boring old pudgy married white guy. I have to look up the definition of “cool” whenever I use the term. I gave up on cool aeons ago.

Occasionally, I’m drawn to comment on what he has playing.

To Wit:

Jon: Dead or Alive!
Jon: you spin me right round, baby!
Richard: Do I? Do I really?
Jon: well, sure
Richard: yay!

His playlist switches to the next track, presumably a random selection.

Richard: donna summer!
Jon: oh my
Jon: as if there were any doubt about your gay-i-tude
Richard: *snaps*
Richard: lookin’ for some HOT STUFF!
Richard: bad girls!
Richard: talkin’ ‘bout sad girls
Richard: doot doot
Richard: beep beep

I can’t decide which makes me giggle more, the “doot doot” or the “beep beep.”

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago

I found an old report card from elementary school. And JUST FOR YOU I spent all afternoon transcribing Mrs. Eggelston’s old-school-marm-script comments from the margins. I aim to please.

— Jon is reading well, but his fascination with mucus and, please forgive the term, “mondo-boogers” [his term] has gotten out of hand. Please ask him not to touch the other children’s nostrils.

— He needs to stop playing the blues harmonica during recess for tips. He is not a 1920s black sharecropper.

— His Math skills are formidable, but I’m worried that he is spending far too much time trying to “telnet” into First National Bank from the Library’s computer.

— While we strive to be as tolerant as possible, we do not understand why he occasionally dresses as a “ninja-pirate-warrior-prince.” He’s very creative with his costumes, but we have a hard time understanding his “pirate talk.” And when he goes into “ninja-stealth-death-mode” and creeps against the wall; he makes the entire class pretend they can’t see him. This is very distracting to the learning environment and I’ve had to warn him about this conduct.

— I’m thrilled with his interest in Civics, but he must stop burning Richard Nixon in effigy. It’s against the fire code to have an open flame in the classroom. Although he does know quite a bit about the Watergate scandal and seems to be able talk forever about President Ford’s pardon of Nixon. Does he watch a lot of news shows?

— His vocabulary is impressive, but what he has suggested in numerous essays is both anatomically impossible and seems like it would be quite painful. Is someone in your family currently a sailor or used to be in the Navy?

— It’s true that February is Black History Month and we should be more sensitive as a culture, but we have to refer to the children by “their slave names” (Jon, Mary, Billy, etc.); it’s very confusing to call him “Shabazz X” just for one month.

— During the Biology section he became physically disturbed during the frog and worm dissections. After grabbing as many samples as he could hold in his little hands, he ran out of the classroom, screaming “You may NOT hurt my pretties! Stay away from them, you visigoths!”

I am very happy to have in in the classroom as he is certainly a lively little fellow. We will have to work on some of these more “disturbing” behaviors as the year progresses.

Thank you.
Linda Egglston

Monday, November 26, 2007

Puke-y McPukester Here

I am ill.

Not only am I ill, but my wife is out of town.

Not only am I ill, my wife is out of town, but she’s going to to gone until late, late Wednesday.

Not only am I ill, my wife is out of town, she’s not coming home for forever, but I have to move everyone out of the house TOMORROW NIGHT because of the nasty chemicals they are using to stain the flooring.

Apparently we’d all get brain damage if we breathed the fumes too deeply.

Though in my case, I’m not sure you’d really be able to tell the difference.

Especially since the phrase “puking my brains out” doesn’t just seems to be an exaggerated metaphor right this second.

Proximus

 

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.