Wednesday, October 24, 2007

A Message from The Universe

I went to the gym yesterday at lunch and did my thing on the treadmill.

My “thing” currently consists of sitting on the treadmill and starving myself. That’s the best way to lose weight, right?

As I was huffing and puffing along and shuffling my feet in time to my iPod Shuffle, I happened to look up at the row of TVs above my head.

FOUR of the five TVs in my field of view had images of people hugging. Two different soap operas had passionate clenching, the mildly atrocious sitcom Just Shoot Me! had David Spade hugging someone and there was a commercial during the local noon news with a couple embracing. All at the same time. Odd, huh?

How the in the name of pork chop flavored biscuits did Just Shoot Me! last for SEVEN seasons on network television? I’m incredulous. And I even like David Spade’s schtick. (most of the time). Perhaps this is what’s wrong with America and culture in general. We entertain ourselves with dreck like Just Shoot Me! for that long.

Anyway, I just thought that was a little weird. Four TVs, all in a row, tuned to different stations and showing people hugging. I took it as a sign from a Greater Power and went back to work and hugged all my co-workers.

Though I probably should have told them the story about the TVs before hugging them, I think.

Oh, and then things at the gym got really odd. As I was walking out of the men’s locker room, a guy was shaving his head. Seriously, his whole head was all lathered up and he was running a razor across the back of his head. Isn’t that the kind of thing most people would rather do in the comfort of their own bathrooms? Or parking lots? Or restaurant lobbies like I do?

I took his head shaving extravaganza as a sign as well and shaved a co-worker’s curly locks as well.

Janet is NOT happy with me now.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Royalty Checks Are Always Welcome

My oldest son Lucas would like everyone and especially the thieving masses out on the IntarWebs to know that he invented this term:

Poop in a hat!

Our little eighth grader is currently riding a wave of linguistic creativity. His mother is so proud as you can imagine. If you are going to take up the cause and begin to use the phrase, he would like you to know a couple things.

It is primarily an exclamation, used to convey both surprise and disappointment. viz.:

”Poop in a hat! I accidentally flossed the cat again.”

There are variations on the “poop in a hat” theme. Someone who is loathsome and not worthy of your attention might be a hat pooper. As in:

“Why did you delete all my saved episodes of ‘Three’s Company’ you big hat pooper?! You know I love that one where they have the big misunderstanding with Mr. Roper!”

And it’s quite a versatile turn of phrase since you can easily change it to an adjective clause:

“Hey! Get your hat poopin’ face back over here and stop bleeding all over the furniture!”

Should you use the phrase poop in a hat or any of its derivative works in a sentence, please send nickel to him, care of me at Ransom Note Typography World HQ. We’ll make sure it gets put in the “college fund” (AKA, the “daddy needs a big ol’ flat screen that does 1080p fund”.)

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Spolier Warning

Warning! Spoilers ahead.

Fight Club—You know how Brad Pitt’s Tyler Durden character is totally skinny and looks pretty amazing and buff, even to my flaming heterosexual eye? By the end of the movie he’s strung out on doughnuts and Cherry Coke.

Basic Instinct—Sharon Stone’s character repents for all her wickedness and runs off to the slums of Delhi to join Mother Theresa.

Soylent Green—Charlton Heston really crashed landed on Earth in the future, not some distant planet like he thought at the beginning of the movie.

Planet of the Apes—The ape food is people! It’s made out of people!!

The Godfather: Part II—Fredo Corleone takes over the family business and turns it into a dairy farm.

Pirates of the Caribbean (any version)—No matter how many times you watch it and how much you might wish for it, you never get to see Keira Knightly, Orlando Bloom or Johnny Depp nekkid. However, Geoffery Rush’s naked tush is on screen for a full fifteen minutes at the end of the trilogy you can’t reach fast enough for the eye bleach to burn that image away. He just stands there with his bare bum facing the camera, talking to Johnny Depp and Keith Richards.

Return of the King—Sam Gamgee mistakes the One Ring for a potato and eats it.

The Godfather—Even though it looks like Abe Vigoda’s character Tessio is killed, that doesn’t happen. Everyone knows Abe Vigoda can’t be killed by normal human methods. You have to use Kryptonite.

Superman—Speaking of Kryptonite, Marlon Brando got so hungry on set that he started eating the set dressing and they had to send out for more Kryptonite. He thought it was stale green Jell-o.

Rocky—Rocky begins screaming “They drew first blood!” and pulls a machine gun out of his boxing shorts and kills Burgess Meredith by accident. It’s very dramatic!

The Crying Game—Jaye Davidson’ character is really Boy George. “I’ll tumble for ya” plays over the closing credits.

Ocean’s Eleven—Tyler Durden doesn’t exist! Edward Norton is psychotic and Julia Roberts is played by Jaye Davidson in drag.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

This Is Why I Have Bruises on My Head

Ellis (4), forcefully, loudly and through gritted teeth: “I am NOT incorrect!”

The rest of us in the van: “Yeah, Ellis, you are.”

Ellis, volume rising even more, though it’s hard to believe it’s even possible for such a small person to scream so loudly: “I AM NOT INCORRECT!”

No one says anything, for fear of setting her off even further and causing the van to burst into flames.

Ellis, sheepishly: “What’s incorrect?”

Commence banging noggin on the windshield.

Monday, October 15, 2007

In Which I Reveal That We Are Big, Huge Ginourmous Slobs

First off, this photo:

Essentially an un-retouched photo of what was underneath our queen-sized bed.

You may feel free to gag or think less of me and my family. Yes, all that CRAP really was underneath the bed. And yes, both our carpet and the walls of the master bedroom are that dark green color. The previous owners of our house were kind of funky, to say the least. We don’t know what color the walls will end up, but I assure you, they will NEVER be dark green as long as I live there.

Let’s zoom in, shall we?

“But Jon,” you may ask in a decidedly quizzical way, “I thought you guys were perfect in every way! How could this happen? And how did SO MUCH gunk end up under there?”

OK, truth be told and to be totally honest about the whole scandalous nature of how we live, The Deal Family Compound is fairly reeking with the odor of fetid cheese, moldy tomatoes and some lost and decaying pet that we forgot to feed, but we rarely let junk accumulate quite as badly as you see here. Every now and then (Saturday mornings and Sunday afternoons), we break out the sponges and give the old castle a quick wipe down.

“Wait,” you say with your tone indicating both disbelief and further disgust since I am obviously fomenting a huge fib, “We already know that you are slovenly people. You as much as admitted it last time you did this.”

Well.

Um.

Yeah.

But…

The re-model is beating the WILL TO LIVE from my very soul! Take pity on me!

Because when you are fighting for your very soul, who has time to de-clutter under the bed?

But once the re-model is complete and we move back into our bedroom, we’re are getting some of those cool “under the bed” storage units. And we’ll banish the children from ever coming into our bedroom. Seriously, more than half that junk is their stuff that migrated into our bedroom when we mistakenly let them come in. What always surprises me is how many shoes end up under there. No wonder no one can find a matching pair of shoes every morning around here.

And Reha will somehow get me to tame my horrible magazine addiction.

I think I might start a flickr pool of “what’s underneath your bed?” Simple rules for the pool: You move your bed, and take a snapshot and post for all the world to gawk at, point at you and make fun of you for being slobs.

 

Novus

Proximus

 

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.