Friday, September 21, 2007

Oh. Well, That Explains It

Ellis is playing a game with Reha. E. is winning. By a lot.

“Wow, Ellis. You are doing really well at this game. How is it that you are winning?”

“I cheat.”

Jon scribbled this mess on 09/21/07 at 08:59 PM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Fluid Pudding: She’s Outta Sight!

I can’t pinpoint exactly when or how I stumbled onto Angela’s site, but I was simply delighted once I got there and swam around deeply in her content. She’s witty and funny and has a devotion to knitting which verges on obsessional. The weird knitting thing aside, if you don’t have her site bookmarked, RSS’ed and aren’t stalking her like the rest of us are, one click over to her site and you will be. She’s has two children and is married to a man with a toe for a thumb. How cool is that?

1. First of all, remind me again why I can’t easily get to the ancient and deep fluidpudding archives? I’m all sad inside that I can’t stalk/peruse your old archives. You’ve been “doing the blog thing” for much longer than Dec. 2006. Any chance you’ll be resurrecting those? [ed. note, you can get to the archives via http://archives.fluidpudding.com and then tacking on /month/2004/4 or some other combination.]

Back in September of 2006, I celebrated Fluid Pudding’s five year anniversary by closing up shop. When I re-birthed it a few months later (I was never much good at Goodbye), I invited four of my favorite people to join me. At the time, it didn’t seem right to leave the old stuff up, so we took it down. Now that I’m flying solo again, the archives will be added back. I can’t tell you exactly when, but it will happen.

2. Have you always been a writer? Meaning, would you write for your own enjoyment even if there weren’t the teeming zillions of fans clamoring to read your latest bits?

Hey there! You made me blush! Stop it!

I don’t really consider myself a writer as much as I consider myself One Who Writes. (Yeah. How annoying was THAT sentence?! Know that I wrote it while wearing lots of eyeliner and smoking from a very long and bossy silver cigarette holder.) I’ve kept a journal on and off since the fifth grade, but most of the journal entries are sort of like, “I had another nosebleed today.” or “So and so has done me bad.” or “Today I went to Grandma’s for lunch where I had angel food cake, fried chicken, green beans with bacon, and cucumber salad. After I ate, I set ants on fire with a magnifying glass.”

After college, I spent a good part of my free time sitting in bookshops and writing letters to friends. Writing those goofy brainless letters really sparked me for some reason, and receiving letters in return made me giddy. I think that’s why I enjoy maintaining the website. I can sit and write something completely goofy and witless, and someone will take the time to respond with something brilliant. If I didn’t have the website, I think I would spend more time writing letters.

3. Do you have a specific audience or person in mind when you write? Or again, just the faceless horde out here on the InterNets, drooling over our keyboards?

I write all of my entries specifically for Jesus. (And now Jesus is out there somewhere frantically slapping his knee and yelling, “Oh, snap! You shut up, Angela!")

Seriously? I don’t really have anyone in mind when I update the site. However, I’m lucky to have a bunch of very kind people stopping by each day, so I suppose I *continue* to write because of them.

4. How much re-writing do you do? Does the “funny” just flow out or do you go back in to put the “jokes” in? Like for example, in this post: You make a joke about eating cookies on the couch and then make a simply delightful “call-back” to the cookie joke at the end of the post. Did that just happen as you wrote it, or did you go back and put the call-back in?

Okay. I said I would do the interview. Stop being so kind!

I don’t do much re-writing. I basically take fifteen minutes or so to put up an entry, I hit the Publish button, and then I freak out and start correcting as many typographical and grammatical errors that I can find before the first person stops by to sift through the muck.

5. Blogging. Merely another form of mindless navel gazing or Something Profound and Meaningful. Discuss.

It varies. Actually, the name Fluid Pudding comes from an article I once read concerning modernity and the fact that the world is filling up with a staggering number of yellow-bellieds who refuse to commit to a firm belief system. The author states that if this continues, humankind will eventually lose any form of consistency and become not unlike a big batch of fluid pudding. That idea really struck me, and because I tend to lean toward the non-confrontational, it occurred to me that I’m just another glug in the vat of fluid pudding.

So, anyway. What was the question?

Oh. In MY case, blogging is mostly navel gazing. (By the way, I really hate the word Navel. Therefore, the phrase Navel Gazing makes me cringe. Navels and feet = the stuff of nightmares.)

You won’t leave my site with new knowledge or profound ideas.

You’ll leave knowing that my kid just said something funny or that I’m knitting a sock or something.

Actually, let’s just call a duck a duck: Fluid Pudding is nothing to write home about.

But I try my best to deliver the silly. And people tend to enjoy silly ducks. (Case in point: See?)

6. When you sit down to write, do you have the whole thing outlined and you just fill in the details? Or is writing more of a “journey” you take where you start, but don’t really know where you’ll end up? Do you ever have “the tyranny of the blank page” and feel paralyzed?

I don’t feel much pressure from the tyranny of the blank page. I try to update the site twice a week, but I don’t feel like too much of a loser if it doesn’t happen.

Most of my entry ideas come to me in the shower. And sometimes while shampooing my hair, I come up with something that makes me laugh and laugh, and then I quickly forget it before I have a chance to type it out. I suppose I could carry around a tiny voice-activated recording device, but I think it would be silly for me to pick up a little machine and say something like “Note to self: Meredith just said something was wrong with her butt. HA HA HA!!!” Those machines are better used by people who say things like “Hemoglobin and Hematocrit for Mr. Dempsey in Room 2112.”

So, anyway, ideas in the shower, and then I see how far I can go at the keyboard before I get sick of staring into the monitor. Fifteen minutes usually does it. And then I hit the Publish button.

7. Where do you write? Do you have a notebook or something you carry with you to jot ideas down as they come to you?

Although I do carry a notebook with me wherever I go, I mainly reserve those pages for grocery lists or directions. (Have I ever told you about my terrible sense of direction? Seriously, I’ve driven to a friend’s house more than ten times now, but I still keep the directions on my lap whenever I go there.) I mainly put up Fluid Pudding entries when I have an uninterrupted block of time—normally at the kids’ nap time or in the evening.

8. I sometimes feel like The Internet/Blogosphere could use a decent editor. Someone who would say, “Yeah, Jon, that joke/rant about the crazy barrista lady isn’t nearly so funny as you think it is” Do you have someone who reads your stuff before you smack the Big Red Publish button and will give you an honest opinion?

I think you’re on to something. Every once in a while I’ll puke something out that I think is nothing short of splendrous. (I’m exaggerating quite a bit.) Those entries consistently draw the least number of comments. And when that happens, you start (and by “you” I mean “I") thinking, “Well, hell. I really have no idea what’s funny.” And then you (and by “you” I mean “I") put up a recipe for pig candy, and The People go insane! It’s funny. Before we added the comment feature, I was a lot less careful about what I put up. However, after adding the feature, I learned an important lesson early on when I received lots and lots (and lots!) of comments saying, “Die, you fucking fat breeder cow!” just because I wrote about receiving not-so-great service at a fast food restaurant. Some people write to stir things up, and I can appreciate that. However, once again, I’m a glug. Also, I’m rubber and you’re glue.

Wait. Perhaps my answers to your questions could use a decent editor. Hi there! I just keep typing and typing. Look how fast I can type this sentence. Quick fox jumping over lazy dog!!!

Here is the answer to the final part of your two-part question: No one reads what I write until it’s out there, including Jeff. AND, Jeff and I have an unspoken agreement about things that I won’t talk about on the site. However, he has given me full clearance to discuss his toe/thumb situation.

9. Please confirm or deny my nutso birth order theory that “funny” people/writers are last born or only children. How many kids in your family and where do you fall in the pecking order?

You’re right on. Two kids in the family, and I’m the youngest. (My sister is 2.5 years older than me.)

(This really doesn’t have anything to do with the question, but: I’m trying to re-spark the use of “Outta sight!” I recently read that it was first used way back in 1895, and has pretty much died out in the past thirty years or so. Let’s bring “Outta sight!” back!!!)

10. I was having a conversation with my wife the other day and she cornered me as she often does and pointed out that I’m really only in the “writing game” for the possible (though meager) adoration I receive from my readers. So this is the question: Why do you think you write? And why do you think you “need” to be funny when you write? (this is the *deep* psychological part of the interview. Think of me as Barbara Walters, but a version of Barbara that is sporting a *killer* beard right now) (Yeah, that’s not a pretty mental image, is it? And I have since shaved.)

Hhhmmmm. I don’t think I write for the adoration, because I was just as happy writing a few years back when I didn’t provide an e-mail address or comments. (Then again, I’m sure I wouldn’t be fooling anyone if I said that the comments and e-mails don’t perk me up a bit.) Let’s see. I write to keep certain parts of my brain from infarcting. I write because it makes me feel creative. Then again, I recently read that a link exists between mood disorders and creativity, which I find highly interesting on many different levels. In fact, I believe I’ll use that link to segue into the next part of the question! (Because I’m Outta sight! Outta sight!)

The “need” to be funny isn’t really a need as much as it’s a desire.

I tend to get bummed by All Things Woe Is Me, so when I’m having an especially bad day, I either stay away from the computer, or I sift through the dust to find something salty.

11a. Outside of reading excellent blogs (ahem, and by excellent, I mean mine, der), what kind of “media” do you consume on a regular basis? (This is just a clever way of saying, “If I were to drop in on Casa di FluidPudding on any given evening after the kidlets are in bed, what would be on TV at your house? Books on the night stand, etc.?” And more importantly, would you feed me if I dropped in unexpectedly? I like chicken. And pasta. And creme brulée.)

This question is surprisingly tough, because I REALLY want to tell you about all of the political rags that I consume with a feverish intensity.

But there’s simply no time for me to list every single one.

Also, and more importantly, I’m lying.

I watch entirely too much reality television. Big Brother, The Hills, Top Chef, Ace of Cakes… All of these are watched after the kids are in bed, and none are watched unless I have knitting needles in hand.

The book on my night stand right now is The Conversions by Harry Mathews.

The last magazine I read was Bust.

I subscribe to Interweave Knits and Interweave Crochet.

I borrow my mom’s copy of People magazine almost every week.

If you dropped in unexpectedly, I could offer you a graham cracker with chocolate icing, and I could easily be talked into whipping up some pumpkin muffins.

If you’re really itching for pasta, I think we have some in the cupboard. Find a pot and boil for eleven minutes. Enjoy. I’ll be sitting in the corner watching Suck TV and knitting a sock or something.

11b. I’ve recently been conducting an informal poll: What reading material is in your bathroom RIGHT THIS SECOND? (no fair substituting The Atlantic for that tattered copy of US magazine. :-])

Right now the only reading materials in the bathroom are the backs of shampoo bottles. (I’m sort of skeeved out by the thought of leaving magazines in there. When you’ve watched your daughter grab waste from the toilet and shake her hand in the air like she really doesn’t care, you really start thinking twice about having anything nice in there. Unless it’s laminated.)

12. You come across in your writing as a pretty mild person, but I think it takes a pretty healthy sense of self to “put yourself out there” and write publicly. Especially humor writing, I think. Do you feel that you have a pretty healthy ego? What might Jeff say about that?

I’m the coolest girl in the universe, and I’m not afraid to admit it.

Actually, my ego goes from being fairly healthy to being puny and withered.

I’m severely self-conscious, I’m a terribly harsh critic, and I think Jeff digs me just the way I am.

13. Ever get any hate mail? Besides from disgruntled food service workers, I mean. Specifically, I’m thinking about less than admiring mail from other Mothers, who I’ve found can be über-judgmental about just about anything relating to how other people raise children.

I get the occasional hateful note. One of my favorites started with “What the hell is wrong with you?” and criticized me for my lack of interest in a Meet Up. Like I have any interest in meeting up with people who want to fight me!

Another memorable note arrived after I announced that Meredith was born via c-section. Within minutes of that announcement, I received a few bloody photos of c-sections gone awry along with a note that accused me of wanting my baby to die. When I replied with “Unsubscribe” (because I think that the “Unsubscribe” thing is so very very funny), the woman went NUTS on me.

14. Are you a performer? Were you the class clown growing up? Or one of those folks that study the scene around them and make little mental notes on everything and then pontificate later?

I suppose I was more of an observer while growing up. On the outside, I was the piano player who could slice a banana without touching it. On the inside, I was a ferocious Dorothy Parker wannabe.

15. Ever go back and read something you wrote and laugh? Gag? Think, “how clever of me!”? Wish you could set fire to the all the digital bits the Google Monster has squirreled away?

I occasionally go back and laugh at my memories more than I laugh at my depiction of those memories. For example, the first time I peed in my pants in front of Jeff was when I was trying out a Neti pot for the first time. The entry itself isn’t that funny, but the picture it conjures in my head is laughable.

Wait. Picture me at eight months pregnant (I gained 80 pounds!) holding a Neti pot up to my nose and peeing on myself.

Funny, right?

Right-o!

Next question.

16. Do you have any writing that isn’t “funny?” Any bursts of poetry or prose that you don’t share on FP?

I have a few journals hidden in my closet. They are filled to the brim with the angsty unfunny stuff. It’s not all sugar cubes and cotton candy over here, Sparky.

(Jeff has promised to burn these in the event of my demise.)

17. You managed to stay pretty “clean” and at worst, PG-13. (Your slightly deviant sexual fantasies about Greg Wiggle, notwithstanding). Do you try and not go “blue” on purpose?

My dad reads my website. When I first used the word Fuck in an entry, he called me on it and told me that I was too creative for that word. I’ve typed it many times since, but I try to always replace it before hitting the Publish button.

In related news, Dad is going on vacation in a few weeks. When that happens, it’s going to be all Fuck all the time at Eff Pee Dot Com!

18. What question about your writing would you ask here? [ed. note: Yes, I’m a TERRIBLE interviewer as it turns out]

How about “Has your writing ever been published?”

Why, yes! It has! I once wrote an appendix for a dental hygiene manual, and I actually illustrated a book for middle school educators.

I am not particularly proud of these contributions, but they count, right?

19. When you were younger (let’s say 15), what did you want to be when you grew up? If you could go back in time, what might you say to a younger version of Angela?

It’s written in my high school memory book that I wanted to be a record reviewer for Rolling Stone. If I could go back in time, I would tell the younger me that you really should write record reviews if you want to be a reviewer of records. (I often spit big dreams into my broken Tragic Flaw: No Stamina cup.)

20. I’m out… Utterly spent… How’s the weather there? (And this still makes me laugh, though now I can’t get Zach Braff in his undies out of my head.) Anyway, where’d that come from?

The weather today is pretty nice. I think it’s 86 degrees or something. Actually, who am I kidding? I haven’t been out of the house in days.

I think the Zach Braff thing came out when I was watching Big Brother. I was trying to think of who I would be willing to live with for a few months, and what sort of game we would play.

Wait. Wouldn’t it be fun if a bunch of bloggers lived together and just sat around blogging about it and America could do the Unsubscribe thing and well, hell. Never mind. The mailman just delivered a package to me! It’s yarn, and I’m a butter popcorn flavored Jelly Belly eating magpie!

See?

Totally outta sight!

Now, go give her a hug.

Jon scribbled this mess on 09/19/07 at 12:01 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Bring the Funny (interviews) Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Flame War 2007

There have been many great “wars” conducted on the Internet.

Mac vs. PC

emacs vs. vi

IE vs. Firefox (Though I can’t figure out who is on IE’s side, really)

Crazy conservatives vs. rational and clear thinking Liberals (wait… perhaps I’m “poisoning the well” with that one)

PS3 vs Xbox 360 vs Wii

98° vs Backstreet Boys (OK, that’s just me, but I just have to say: 98° shall rise again!)

Most of these so-called “wars” are really just glorified shouting matches as people, hiding behind the anonymity the web grants them, resort to feckless name-calling, with no real substance behind their arguments. Go visit almost any gaming forum and ask, “Which console should I buy?” and watch the chaos ensue. Any sort of Flame War is code for “Lame War” in my opinion, but I’m old and jaded, so my opinion has probably ceased to matter.

Jonah, all of 9, has figured out the Next Great Flame War:

Pop-Tarts vs. Toster Strudels

He is a devotee of the Toaster Strudel, firmly entrenched in the Camp of Pilsbury and WILL NOT pollute his palette with the stigma of putting a Pop Tart in his mouth. It’s just beneath his dignity and he will have no part of the Pop Tart. Not even the sparkly kind! He truly loathes Pop Tarts.

Which is fine, we are trying to fatten him up (for our tasty kid-themed Thanksgiving Dinner this year!), and he and his chronically short and under-weight older brother are the only people in the house who are “allowed” to eat things like liped-laden breakfast pastries. The rest of us (well, OK, me), merely sneak them as a mid-morning, early afternoon or late night snacks. (Yes, I am having a problem staying away from “bad” food and I’m not running right now and I’ve gained 426 pounds in the last two weeks, but that’s not the point.)

The point, and I swear, I do have a point, is that the boy said this to me as I dropped him off at school this morning:

“Dad, the Pop Tart people and the Toaster Strudel people must HATE each other. The Toaster Strudel people should totally win. Don’t you think?”

“Um, sure, bud, whatever, I’m on your side, ‘Death to the Pop Tart People!’ They are a scourge on our great nation! All Hail the Strudel!”

It’s fun to say “strudel.”

I have no idea where he gets this competitive, win at all costs streak. Reha is probably the most laid back, non-competitive person you’ll ever meet. Except when she’s doing her lawyer gig, and if you are on the other side she’ll rip your face off, metaphorically speaking, but she’s generally one of those “we should all win! Let’s just have fun together” hand-holding around the campfire, and Kum-By-Yah singing folks. And though I’m rabidly partisan, I live in the most conservative state in the Union, so my issues and candidates always lose and am thus resigned to never winning anything. And I don’t follow sports, so there isn’t a lot of screaming at the TV while the Sox blow a lead off of Jeter’s 3 run homer in the 8th. And while I’m a big giant blubbering Mac fan-boi, I’ve pretty much resigned myself to losing that battle as well, as we now have a stupid, slow as molasses Dell laptop in our stable of thinking machines. It’s just a tool, people, use whatever you want, but don’t make fun of my Mac purchases, OK? (Yes, I did have a blueberry iMac, you wanna fight about it?)

But I digress, as usual.

All our other kids pretty much take after their relatively laid back parents, and just kind of go with the flow of things. Carrie, for example, is fundamentally a bleeding-heart socialist, but she’s just rolls her eyes at most political issues right now. Lucas has never really taken sides on any issue, except to wonder aloud “why we can’t get an Xbox 360, PS3 AND a Wii” and Ellis, while she is quite vocal in expressing her opinions, her issues are not broad in nature. She just squawks if you move/touch/glance at one of her “babies” improperly, don’t genuflect to her greatness in a timely manner or do anything she doesn’t want you to do. You can even breath wrong as far as she’s concerned, so she’s a special case.

Kids are weird, that’s all I’m saying.

Jon scribbled this mess on 09/18/07 at 11:09 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Monday, September 17, 2007

Call the OED People, the Boy Needs a Vocab Lesson

Jonah walked by Reha and fwapped her as he passed. Not that hard, but it was completely un-called for.

This is unacceptable on so many levels that I don’t even have time, energy or disk space to go into it right now. He wasn’t being mean or snotty, really, but he wasn’t keeping his hands to himself, which is Rule #74 at the Deal Family Compound. “NO UN-AUTHORIZED TOUCHING!”

“Jonah, you simply MUST keep your hands to yourself.”

“Mom… I’m [un-intelligible]” (but it sounded like ‘boisterous’ to Reha.)

“No, Jonah, you aren’t being boisterous. Boisterous means you are loud. You are just being kind of rude and you have to stop hitting people. It isn’t nice at all.”

“I didn’t say ‘boisterous.’ I don’t even know what a boisterous is. I don’t use words that I don’t know what they mean.”

Jon scribbled this mess on 09/17/07 at 12:04 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Thursday, September 13, 2007

End of Another Era

This is what happens when all I have to think about is the re-model. We end up with a post full of pictures of me having shaved off my beard. I’m not really hurting for content, but I’m just having a hard time thinking about anything else but the state of the house.

Though, truth be told, The Beard (it really does have a life of its own) has been bugging the crap out of me and I’ve been wanting to shave it off. I think (and most people tend to agree) that I look better with a beard than without, but if you can believe it, I have a hard time sleeping when I have a beard. Like most people, sleep is very important to me, much as breathing or screwing up the country is to the current administration. Even when The Beard is past the “poke-y” stage and is soft and sort of sponge-y, it still bugs me when my head hits the pillow. Plus, I have sensitive skin. And don’t get me started about my “t-zone” because otherwise we’ll be here for hours.

And I’m very particular about how my head hits the pillow. Yes, I am one of those people who has to have the perfect pillow or I can’t sleep well. You may commence rolling your eyes at me now.

Anyway, here is a shot of me, pre-shaving:

There are many gay guys who think I’m hot stuff with the full beard. Reha, however, just asked, “So what’s your plan with this whole beard thing? Because if you are serious about achieving that whole ZZ Top look, I’m not going to be able to go out in public with you.”

The look of the Amish is the new black this Fall Season.

Carrie said, “You. Look. Horrible.”

I think I look like a happy version of Brigham Young here. And we all know what a party animal he was!

I was told to keep shaving immediately after this was taken.

Now we can tell that I really have nothing to lose. The half-goatee/half mutton chops look.

Not a good look.

I once had a sales weenie who had a look remarkably similar to what I am sporting here try and up-sell me a cell phone plan. Gag me with a 2x4.

From Bad to Even Worser

No words for this.

Can’t. Look. Away. So very hideous, but so compelling. Like watching a train wreck. Or NASCAR.

How I normally look.

Looking off into the distance, somewhat confused and somewhat intrigued. Befuddled, basically.

OK, now I miss the beard.

Gonna go dig out all the “pieces” from the bathroom trash can and see if I can’t glue them back on.

And lest we think I’m merely repeating myself, last time I did this, I did it completely differently.

Jon scribbled this mess on 09/13/07 at 12:02 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Photos Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Friday, September 21, 2007

Oh. Well, That Explains It

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Fluid Pudding: She’s Outta Sight!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Flame War 2007

Monday, September 17, 2007

Call the OED People, the Boy Needs a Vocab Lesson

Thursday, September 13, 2007

End of Another Era

Novus

Proximus

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