Thursday, August 16, 2007

A New Found Love

Demolition and re-construction has now begun in earnest at the Deal Family Compound. Tomorrow (or this weekend) I’ll post some very boring photos of holes in the foundation which prove that Things Are Happening and it will be very boring for all of you. But it’s all very exciting for us. I took almost the entire house apart coming up on TWO years ago and have utterly failed to put it back together. So having a whole house will be something of a novelty we are looking forward to. It’s been a long time.

But this isn’t about the past.

It’s about The Dumpster.

Our general contractor (not named Ron) has brought his own Personal Dumpster to the house while the work is going on. I think if I hadn’t stayed in during lunch hours in Junior High and played with an Apple II, I might have liked to have ended up in a career like our G.C., i.e., a Man with his own Dumpster. So very cool. Plus it’s very swank indeed to be able to build things, instead of merely blazing away with a crowbar like Yours Truly. A whole different skill set.

Seriously, I can barely even describe how much I love having a dumpster at the end of our driveway. I’m thinking about canceling our County trash removal and buying me one of these things. If I weren’t so deliriously head over tailbone happy with Re as my spouse, I swear I’d be tempted to cheat on her with The Dumpster, dump Reha (get it, dump?! never mind...), marry The Dumpster in a tempestuous whirlwind romance in Vegas and finally settle down somewhere in the valley and begin to raise little wastebaskets of our own. And then cheat on The Dumpster when a Larger Dumpster came along. Such is my new found love and devotion for The Dumpster.

Except.

I was out tossing crap into The Dumpster and Ellis was out “helping” me. Meaning she was standing on the sidelines and chattering at me while I grunted and swore in Italian. (I only swear around the kids in languages like Italian that they have zero chance of understanding; I’m a Father of the Year Candidate, I know) The thing you need to understand about The Dumpster is that it is very, very large and thus has walls/sides that are also very, very tall.

So I’m trying to throw some pretty huge pieces of wood, dead tree limbs and other assorted large things over the side of the beast and I came up a bit short a couple of times. So basically, really large and heavy things are raining down on me; hence all the swearing in Italian. Once I almost got hit in the noggin with a 2x4 with rusty nails in it. And another time a ginormous tree limb came down on my arm. (I’m still kind of bleeding from that as a matter of fact).

Ellis pops out with:

“What are you doing, Daddy?”

“What do you mean, ‘what am I doing?’ I’m putting all this trash and stuff in The Dumpster.” (ed. note: You can tell The Dumpster gets capitalized by the reverence with which I utter the words, trust me.)

“Oh.”

“…”

“Daddy, you aren’t very good at it.”

Jon scribbled this mess on 08/16/07 at 12:06 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor

Friday, October 20

Dear Ron!

We are so thrilled that you have agreed to be our General Contractor! We really liked some of your ideas for the house! They are so very “thinking outside of the box” and we think it will be awesome to work with such a visionary!

Enclosed in this envelope, please find cash (as requested) equalling half of the bid. Your request that this be a “cash only deal” is a little odd, but you know this business better than I do, I’m sure.

According to the schedule you faxed over to us, demolition of the interior walls will begin Monday next. The fax is a little splotchy and hard to read, but are you sure we are starting then? I thought we weren’t starting until our family had a chance to arrange for other living quarters. Won’t the house be open to the elements for a while? Winter is coming on, you know!

Anyway, Ron, this is going to be great! We can’t wait to see the results!!

Tuesday, October 24

Dear Ron!

Wow, you guys sure did start off with a bang! It is so strange to see the outside world from the bathroom! Speaking of “bangs,” 6:20 A.M. seems a little early to start with the “explosions and banging and all that clatter.” At least that is what some of the neighbors are saying anyway. I know you explained to me that you like to get started early before it got hot, but our neighbor to the west is a dear, sweet man who just had some heart surgery and he says it’s bothering him.

Another quick thing, the next door neighbors say the placement of the porta-potty underneath their master bedroom window is less than optimal. Could you have someone move that soon? Anywhere off their property is fine.

Also, as you know, we haven’t been able to find a suitable rental unit yet while the work on the house is on-going. (I’m SO sorry, I know we must be in the way and underfoot A LOT!) Is there any way you could put up some plastic or something by our bedroom? My wife is a little self-conscious about getting dressed with your sub-contractors “staring at me in just a towel.” We’d just set up sheets or something for privacy, but pretty much everything we own is in a storage unit on the other side of town! Ha! Ha!

Looking great! Keep up the good work!

Wednesday, October 25

Dear Ron!

Wow, you guys really are making a LOT of progress on the demolition. I still haven’t seen a dumpster arrive yet. That’s coming soon, right? Surely all the remnants of the walls and the old carpeting won’t stay in the driveway and in the street, will they?

Quick question: I don’t remember the remodel plans calling for a skylight. I’m just a little curious about the hole in the roof over the living room.

Also, and I know you are totally swamped, but the neighbors are still asking about getting the porta-potty moved.

Oh! Before I forget, any luck with the plastic sheets? (The privacy thing. Again! Sorry!)

I’m sure that now that all the walls are totally off, real progress can begin!

Thursday, October 26

Dear Ron!

I totally understand how you could get called away on another job! I’m sure that sort of thing happens all the time. Just try to let us know next time!

The rain last night coming in through the “skylight” won’t hurt the sub-flooring, will it? I’m a little concerned about that. The corners got pretty wet and they are starting to curl up. You can fix that, right? (I hope!)

And we went ahead and got some plastic sheets for the Master Bedroom, so don’t even worry about that. Just get the other “little job” done so you can come back to us.

We are super excited for this project to really get going!

Friday, October 27

Dear Ron!

So we’ll see you next week, right, for sure? The little job you have will certainly be done by then, right?

Wow, snow before Halloween! That was unexpected! The kids are excited! They made a small snowman in the living room. You don’t think that will cause any MORE damage, do you?

The next door neighbors got a little frustrated and tipped the porta-potty over trying to move it themselves, and a lot of stuff spilled out. All that sludge is covered by snow now, but I bet it’s going to be rank come next spring! Pee-eeew!

Monday, November 6

Dear Ron,

I sort of wish you had told us you had a week long vacation planned for Halloween week. I don’t begrudge you a vacation, certainly everyone deserves a break! And heaven knows you and your crew have put in yeoman’s work tearing down all the house walls and cutting holes in the roof. (I didn’t know about the second skylight, but it’ll look great I’m sure, once it’s closed up!) But maybe in the future, you could let us know you are going to be unreachable for a whole week.

And due to our inability to find a rental apartment in this city (did you know there was a “housing crunch” in the city?! Wow! And rents are C-R-A-Z-Y expensive right now!), we are staying in a “Thrifty Neighbor” motel down the road. Lots of people complain about the smell from the paper plant next door, but you get used to it.

Wednesday, November 8

Dear Ron,

What a difference a couple days makes!

It’s so awesome to see the new framing up! I’m going to have to take a peek at the plans again, because I’m having a hard time picturing all those walls in the dining room. Are they really necessary? And how will a dining room table fit in there?

Also, I’m sorry the funeral procession for the old fellow next door interrupted your work the other day. And though his doctor is saying he died from stress and high blood pressure, I’m sure the hammering and yelling of your crew didn’t have anything to do with it, no matter what the neighbors say!

Oh, and I saw some of the bags that the “new” insulation came in. That material you said you got a great deal on? Are we sure we can use that asbestos stuff as insulation? I thought I remembered something on the news about asbestos being a problem. We should probably talk about that before the drywall goes up.

It is too early to start thinking about paint colors!? :-D

Friday, November 10

Dear Ron,

Wow, you and your crew really are making progress now! Looks like all the framing and walls are up!

Though I sort of remember that a structural engineer friend of ours specifically said that if we removed “that center load bearing wall” and “didn’t support it, the roof would eventually cave in.” He looked very serious when he said that. I know we talked about an “open floor plan,” but don’t we need some kind of support for the roof and second story? That broomstick sized post you have in the basement seems like it might snap in two any second! And as I look up at the ceiling, I swear I can see the roof sagging in a little bit. Probably just my imagination playing tricks on me.

Boy, these late fall/early winter snow storms sure are fun, huh? Not! Ha! Ha! I know you said you’d get to it, but we really didn’t feel comfortable with all the snow inside so we went ahead and put some plastic sheeting up to cover the skylight holes. It’s unfortunate that the plastic keeps falling down.

When do we pick out the kitchen cabinets? The tile colors? The fixtures? Etc.

Wednesday, November 15

Dear Ron:

Another mini-vacation! Wow, I think I should have gone into General Contracting! I had no idea you all got so many vacations and “mini-vacations” as you call them. That’s awesome. The “State Mandated Mini Vacations” was new on me!

Anyway, I’m glad to see that the rough plumbing and rough electrical has been done.

Also, enclosed is the next cash payment. I had no idea there could be so many “overages” already! I guess our original estimate was tad on the low side. I know you had to pay the subs to do the plumbing and electrical “stuff” (as you so eloquently put it), but isn’t hiring them and paying them your job? I’m just a little confused about why I had to pay both you and the “electrician” (who says he is related to you!) for the same work. Does that make sense to you?

Friday, November 17

Dear Ron:

First of all, I am SO sorry for barging in on your “private time” yesterday. You are right, I should have called before dropping in on my house like that. I didn’t know you ever had company on the job site! Though I think that woman should have been wearing more than just a hard hat! Quelle surprisé!

Speaking of calling, it seems to me that you might need a new cell phone. Every time I try to call, it says the number has been disconnected.

Anyway, enough with the “housekeeping” stuff.

The walls and drywall look pretty good. I’m sure we can work around the holes (we have lots of pictures!), but I am a teeny bit concerned about the “waviness” of them. And that odd rough texture, you’ll be checking up on that, right?

Oh! And I’m sure this is a totally minor thing and hopefully a cinch to fix, but when you flush the guest bathroom toilet, well, it’s hard to describe what happens as anything BUT a “fountain of shit.” I’m afraid it’s going to stain the tile in there permanently.

Wednesday, November 29

Ron,

Have a couple nagging little concerns I need to address:

First, what your guys do on their own time is their own business, of course, but maybe you could have a word with one or two of them. The neighbors are telling me that “all sorts of shady drug dealers looking thugs are coming by the house at all hours.” But you know how nosy neighbors can be, right? They aren’t still giving you a hard time about our dead neighbor, are they?

Second, I’m afraid I can’t give you the next cash payment quite yet. Turns out it is illegal to sell a kidney on ebay. And the guy at the bank won’t stop laughing when I walk in the door. But I’m working on it, I promise. You don’t have to call me every twenty minutes in the middle of the night to remind me.

Third, very creative work on the drywall “problems!” I would never have thought that just nailing another layer or two of drywall is what all the pros do. Awesome. Though the rooms are all a bit more skinny than we originally planned.

Fourth, I get a mild shock whenever I flip on an electrical switch. I sure do hope you are right and that “the wires just need time to get all settled and properly broken in” that will go away. Though it does wake you up in the morning! Anything we can do to speed up the “breaking in” process?

Happy Turkey Weekend!

Tuesday, December 12

Ron.

Do you think it would be at all possible to ask for a small variance on the “mini-vacation” law? I’m very concerned that we won’t be done in time. We are willing to help out with things like painting in order to get it all done before the Holidays. And you are going to have to explain to me again exactly why I still have to pay you for the painting, even though my wife, my two young daughters and I are doing the actual work.

And I know I should have brought this up much sooner, but I end up having a problem with the windows you installed. It just seems to me (I know, I know, I’m not an expert!) that they are kind of flimsy. As a matter of fact, one kind of fell out and it appears to my untrained eye that the edges of the window were nothing more than wire coat hangers, wrapped in aluminum foil. I’ll have to have you take a look.

And here is one more thing to add to your List: The TV only seems to get the local cable access channel. Could you look into that?

And another thing! Looks like you got around to fixing the “fountain” problem in the guest bath, which is GREAT and we are grateful just for the relief from the odor. However, we have one more little issue in there. Seems that the hot and cold are reversed on the sink taps. The wife scalded herself pretty badly the other morning. The E.R. docs say she’ll probably regain most of the use of her left hand, so no worries. Anywho, if you could look into that, that’d be swell.

And on the subject of plumbing, I know you said we could save money by using PVC pipe for everything instead of copper, but I’m not seeing that reflected in your most recent invoice. I’m sure that’s just an oversight and the next invoice will reflect the change.

Again, I don’t mean to be a nervous nelly about this, but were there Sheriff’s deputies on the property the other day? My neighbor said that your foreman was hauled off in cuffs for felony drug possession and dealing. (wow!) I’m sure she must have heard that wrong.

We do like the “dark auburn” color you chose for the bedrooms! I was amazed you could get that color just from mixing up leftover paint. I’m wondering if it’s really going to look OK to have ALL the rooms that color. Won’t it get monotonous?

Friday, December 22

Ron:

Well, we all pulled together and we got it all done! From the outside the house looks amazing. And it has that modern “lean” you were explaining to me the other day.

Though I wish you could have been there while our 6 year old was up on the ladder re-doing the ceiling fan wiring. Your expertise was sorely missed then!

This envelope has your cash final payment. It reflects all the “change-orders” we discussed the other day. I’m still wondering how all that wire you charged us for could even fit in the house! And again, I think you may want to clean your fax machine as it seems that a lot of the “work descriptions” fields were blurry and hard to read. And there were a lot of entries that even once I could read them, it seemed like they said “misc. exps. overs.” The dollars amounts are always pristine, though.

OH! And this is important! Have you seen the cat lately? I can hear her meow-ing, but I can’t find her.

Jon scribbled this mess on 08/15/07 at 12:02 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Stuff that's not true (fiction) Regular Post Favorite Entries. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Monday, August 13, 2007

F) Daddy’s Head is Exploding

Ellis, speaking in “outline” form again, at the dinner table last night and weighing in with her opinions (unprovoked and unrequested opinions, naturally):

A) Jonah is perfectly mean.

B) Mom is cute

C) You are unreasonable (ed. note, she was pointing at me)

D) Lamp

E) I like doughnuts

The “lamp” thing is possibly the most random non-sequitur thing I’ve heard in my life. And Jonah would like to state for the record that though he may be mean, he also likes doughnuts.

Jon scribbled this mess on 08/13/07 at 12:06 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Friday, August 10, 2007

More Apple Nitwittery

Apple recently added a small “Web 2.0ish” feature to iTunes. See here. Basically, you can get some code which will allow you to show a badge on your site (or myspace page, gak) of your most recent purchase in iTunes. Or items you have have rated highly. Or music reviews you have published on iTunes.

All well and good, I suppose. Though “currently enjoying” and nabbing the most recently played items might also be ginchy. But fine, Apple wants to pimp iTunes purchase, I got no problem with this.

Except this dome scratcher here:

Apple offers a RSS feed of your most recent purchases “to stay up-to-date with your iTunes activity.”

OK, I guess, except what makes Apple think that somehow I personally wasn’t up-to-date on what I had purchased recently from iTunes? Am I so busy or buying so much music that I need an RSS feed to keep track of that? “What did I buy yesterday? I can’t recall off hand… I better check my handy RSS feed! Oh look! I did buy “All the Hits!” by Tito Jackson. I guess I don’t need to buy that again. Thanks, Apple!”

*rolls eyes*

Or maybe some coder in the iTunes dept. was doing some “drunk clicking” and went on a drunken spree. So she whipped up an RSS feed she could check easily once she got up the next morning and know what she had done late at night.

Jon scribbled this mess on 08/10/07 at 01:03 PM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Things I don't understand Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Pretzel Logic

For a variety of reasons that don’t really matter, I’ve been leaving Ellis at home during the day with Carrie. So she’s not been going to her normal day care provider, who loves her very much. She’s actually called a couple of times to make sure everything is OK with E. It’s sweet. And I have to be honest here, there have been more than a few times when I haven’t taken Ellis to her, simply because it can be difficult to get E. out the door in any reasonable time frame and without her pulling a knife on me.

The day care provider (Becky) says, “Oh don’t worry about that! You can bring her asleep! Just bring her clothes and I’ll feed her breakfast and get her dressed,” which is awfully nice of her. Except that the odds are high that I’d choose the wrong outfit, Ellis would notice that I haven’t chosen EXACTLY what she wanted to wear that day and she’d erupt in a volcano of anger and recrimination.

Ellis overheard that conversation so naturally, she decided yesterday morning that she didn’t need to get dressed. After all, “Becky SAID she would get me dressed.”

“But Ellis, that was only if you were asleep. You are awake and you can choose your outfit and go ahead and get dressed.”

“But Becky said SHE WOULD GET ME DRESSED, DAD!”

“I know, E. But you are only wearing underwear right now. Do you want to go to Becky’s naked?”

“NO!” and she ran from the bathroom where she had barged in while I was drying off from my shower.

Sorry, now you have a mental image of me nekkid and wet. Not pleasant I know, but I wanted to give you some context. I’m naked, trying to cover my salient bits from my four year old to retain some semblance of modesty and she’s yelling at me and being completely unreasonable.

“Ellis, look, let’s just get dressed. Or get a nightgown on and wear that and we’ll take your clothes.”

“I DON’T WANT TO WEAR A NIGHTGOWN! BECKY IS GOING TO GET ME DRESSED!”

“I’m hip, Ellis. Fine. I’m on board, Becky can get you dressed, I’m not attached to helping you put pants on. I don’t care. But if you won’t put something on, you are going to have to go naked. There isn’t really another choice, you see.”

By this time she had melted down into a small blond pool of tears, screaming and pity.

In all seriousness, I love that kid like she was my own (wait… she is mine. Hmm. Whatever. Carry on), but I swear, sometimes I think my head is just going to explode off my shoulders in frustration and agony.

So I finally wrangled her and her be-underweared glory into the car, she got out and ran from the car to Becky’s and burst through the door and said, “Becky! I’m here! You can get me dressed now!”

And I drove off and listened to very loud music on the way into work.

Jon scribbled this mess on 08/10/07 at 12:04 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Thursday, August 16, 2007

A New Found Love

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor

Monday, August 13, 2007

F) Daddy’s Head is Exploding

Friday, August 10, 2007

More Apple Nitwittery

Pretzel Logic

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