Monday, May 14, 2007
Should Never Have Explained Term Life to Him
We are in the car and somehow the conversation turns to death. Probably because someone threatened some other member of the family who is in the car with bodily injury which could result in death. (I can’t remember exactly, but that’s the most likely scenario).
I say, “Lucas, if I died, you’d totally cry at my funeral. I am your entire world after all. You’d totally lose it, man.”
“Sure Dad, whatever.”
Jonah pops up, “Well, we’d be sad, but we’d be a LOT MORE SAD, if Mom died.”
“...”
“But we’d be pretty happy about the life insurance if you died.”
Friday, May 11, 2007
More Receptionist Fun
She calls me on the intercom thing-y.
“Jon, [person] is on the phone and she needs to talk to you.”
I take off my headphones so I can hear and say, “Who? What? Huh?” as if I’ve just woken up from a nap or am being roused from a drunken stupor.
“Jon, [so and so] is on the phone for you.”
“Hmmmm. Does she sound desperate?”
“I’ll ask.”
Times passes.
“No, she doesn’t really.”
“Voice Mail.”
And.... Scene!
Fade to Black.
You know what, I’m a joy and a delight via email or IM. The phone, not so much anymore.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
The Bad Things That Happen When My Wife Is Out of Town
Reha’s out of town again this week. Some training thing about trains. In Omaha. Nebraska. That’s like 74 states away from us. Ack!
All is not well at the Deal Family Compound when she leaves. To wit:
- I can’t sleep and I spend all night buying weird stuff off eBay. Last night I bought a drinking fountain made out of orangutan fur
- I mowed the driveway
- I lost a kid. In the living room
- Multiple visits from the County Sheriff (Hi, Deputy Rollins!)
- Ice cream for every meal
- We are out of T.P. in the bathrooms and she’s the only one who knows how to refill the dispenser
- Many, many arguments with various kids about wearing pants to school
- I lose the will to live and haven’t bathed, shaved or brushed my teeth since she left
See what I mean about the ice cream and the lack of pants:
Come home soon, babe!
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
How Much Niacin Is Too Much Niacin?
The Coca-Cola company has rather quietly introduced a new product into the marketplace.
I don’t know really, maybe they have a big splashy marketing campaign behind the whole thing. I don’t watch enough TV and radio is dead to me, so unless it’s on NPR it’ll probably pass me by. And so far no one has figured out a way to sneak ads onto my iPod, either. So I could have missed all the hoopla and this stuff has been out for a year. But it’s NEW TO ME! AND I’M A LITTLE EXCITED ABOUT IT.
But my point, and I swear, I do have one, is that finally someone has come up with a product that I can heartily endorse.
Diet Coke Plus™
It’s Diet Coke™! But with vitamins and minerals added!
I’ll pause while you gather yourself.
OMG! OMG! I can’t remain composed. It’s so very eleventy-forty kinds of awesome!
ONE MY ADDICTIONS IS FINALLY GOOD FOR ME! Praise zoraster!
And it tastes pretty much exactly the way Diet Coke tastes. Just with MORE chemicals added for robustness. How awesome is that?
I think I have to sit down for a second.
Let’s read the label and get right to the “good stuff” about the RDA numbers, shall we?
Niacin . . . . . . . 25%
Vitamin B6 . . . . 25%
Vitamin B12 . . . 25%
Magnesium . . . .15%
Zinc . . . . . . . . . 15%
So four cans of Diet Coke Plus nets you ALL your Niacin for the day. Woohooo! I’m SO rocking the B6 right now! I’m high on B6! I can see stars and it’s like I can feel and touch the light, man. Whoa.
One thing I’d like to note which was pretty smart of the GENIUSES at Coca-Cola HQ. (The Wizards of Georgia is what I call them). They kept out vitamins and minerals which could theoretically kill you in über-high doses. Like iron and vitamin A. Because I’m pretty sure most of us Diet Coke addicts would O.D. in one day. Imagine the liability!
And look, it’s so very lovely! Doesn’t the can even SPEAK to you with its multi-colored hues and say, “I’m healthy and fun! And fizzy! And caffeinated! Drink me, I’m yummy!”
No? Well, it says that to me.
But don’t listen to me, I’m so high right now.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Serenity Now, Please
Ellis is getting water from the fridge dispenser. It overflows her cup, somewhat inevitably, I might add. Seems like there’s about a liter of water on the floor in front of the fridge.
“Ellis, did you spill?”
“No, I did not spill.”
“Why is there water on the floor?”
“That is from the cup.”
“So you spilled?”
“No, I did not spill.”
“How did the water get on the floor, then?”
“It came over the side of the cup.”
“So, you spilled.”
“No! I did NOT spill! The water just came over the side.”
“Ellis, that’s what happens when you spill. Water goes where you don’t want it to go.”
“I DIDN’T SPILL IT. The water just went on the floor.”
“…”
“Maybe there is something wrong with the cup. And my feet are wet and I don’t like that.”
Favorite Entries
If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.
- Help Wanted
- From the Office of Mis-directed Email
- A Word from the Small Person in the House
- RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
- Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
- Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
- A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
- We Regret the Error
- Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
- What I Did There
- Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
- Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
- Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
- I Need a Real Hobby
- Beat Down
- Big Fat Lies
- True Love
- Now MY Ovaries Hurt
- Don’t Get Her Started
- Disturbing Trend
- Had to do it
- Mooshy stuff
- Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
- Diva-licious!
- Just so we’re clear
- PETA may have a point
Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!
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Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?
©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.