Thursday, February 15, 2007

The Meek Need Not Apply

“The Mad Professor peered over his spectacles while muttering about world domination and how everyone over the age of thirty would be the first up against the wall when the revolution came.”

We feel safe ignoring his ramblings.

At least until he can get the Uranium-235 enriched. We really shouldn’t let him have centrifuges in his room. 

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Why I’m Married to my Wife

This is my attempt at being squishy on this Valentine’s Day. It’s a hard thing and I’m not even sure I should be doing it.




A long time ago, I met Reha. And then my life changed.

It’s a simple thing, really, you meet a person and that person changes your life. Now obviously, depending on how things play out, that change can be a good thing or a just plain rotten. In my case with Reha and at the end of the equation, I’m sure I’ve taken more than I’ve given. The equation doesn’t balance and she probably comes away being cheated in the end. Especially at the beginning of the rather tricky dance that we call our marriage.

And here is why I come up overdrawn in the bank balance of our lives: I’m just not as good a person as she is. It’s good to admit it out loud.

Now, that’s not to say I’m a BAD person. No, I love the kids and puppies and rainbows and tend to at least try and do the right thing most of the time (whee! how many qualifiers can you count in that sentence?) But Reha… oh man, Reha is just fundamentally better at being a real live human than I am and I pale in comparison.

Let’s run a few comparisons, just for giggles, Mmm’k?

She’s smarter than I am. Well, I should say, she’s “differently” smarter than I am. I could never do her job, for example. I just have a talent for remembering useless facts. Reha has analytical abilities of which I’m not even in the same ballpark. I’m triple A and she’s the freaking Yankees. Reha is an attorney and graduated in the stratosphere of her law school class. I dropped out of college. (OK, I was kicked out for “failure to progress” (whatever that means), but it’s pretty much the same thing).

She is self-analytical in a way that means she is always trying to understand herself and make herself into a better version of herself. Me, I only talk about how I feel or think about my actions when someone plants a weapon in front of me and begins making threats.

She reads books. Now, I read books, too, but mine tend to have lasers, robots, magicians, PHP code, or swordplay, while the books she reads are “important” and you have to think about them. Deep stuff. And she goes to book clubs to talk about the important books with other really, really smart people.

Reha has a devotion to our children which borders on fanatical. You just would not believe the amount of energy she expends making sure the kids are happy, well-adjusted and fed properly. I’m more of the “Hey, look, a Mythbusters episode we’ve only seen 12 times! Bring that pizza in here!” kind of fellow.

She’s funny and in an unconventional way. She laughs during movies when no one else is laughing. She finds humor in unexpected places. OK, sometimes I do the funny thing, too, but sadly it’s my most prominent trait.

This is difficult to describe, but when you are talking with her, she is engaged in what you are saying. It goes beyond mere listening. When you are talking to her, she is doing more than just thinking about what she is going to say next. Can’t say I even know how to begin to do that.

She’s lovely. You’ve seen pics of me, right? We really are a Beauty and the Beast pair of people. She has a bit of grey hair which bugs her, but otherwise she looks EXACTLY how she did when we got married. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t thinking that I’d turn into a lumpy, balding guy when we first got together. Sorry about that, babe. I didn’t know about the bald thing either, and what can I say, I love ice cream more than being skinny.

So in the end, there are times when I fail to understand why she choose and continues to choose to be with me. I’m not sure exactly what I bring to the table. She could do better, obviously.

I am grateful to all deities past and present that I get to be with her. She has shown me how to be a “real” man. I understand myself better, because I hang around her. I know it sounds trite, but she helps me be a better human and that is probably the best thing I think one person can do for another.

Sure do love ya, babe.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

So Very Meta

Google News violates copyright by reporting on how Google News violates copyright.

recursive (adj.) see recursive

Head asplodes.

“People Have Started to Mate with Vegetables”

As a Mississippi native and voluntary refugee from The South, I can’t decide whether to laugh or cry. Probably cry.

Top Gear is awesome, by the way.

Good Thing We Own a Camera

It is always good to have photographic evidence of a thing that generally defies one’s normal belief systems. And true, one can do wonders with Photoshop, but in this case who’d bother?

Case in point, my wife is generally not a fan of video games. “Huge waste of time” is oftentimes what she says about them. So what you have below is evidence that my lovely and talented wife actually picked up a video game and played it. At least once.

And Lucas, of course, leaning over her shoulder, telling her what to do. “Mom, grab that box!”

And my favorite of the bunch. Reha looking up and telling me, “You made me lose one of my dudes. What the hell is wrong with you, with that flash all up in my face?”

Truth be told, she didn’t play for very long and afterward said that staring “at that tiny screen” made her nauseous.

Baby steps, people, it’s all about the baby steps.

In time we’ll have her begging to buy an Xbox 360 and an HDTV, so she can skool us in Halo 3.

AND!

She actually used the word “pwned” in a sentence. She even used it correctly in context. As in “You got PWNED just then!” Everyone looked at her kind of askew when she said it, but she did say it, I promise.

I’m sensing a convert.

 

Novus

Proximus

 

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.