Wednesday, January 31, 2007

I Have No Idea What It’s Like Outside Right Now

And I don’t think OS X’s weather widget knows, either.

This is my weather widget right now:

Is it rain? Sleet? Freezing something? Some freakish snow like stuff that bounces and will kill us all with its rubber-y ways?

The Inuit probably have a word for what’s happening, but heck if I can tell. Barring just getting up from my desk, walking upstairs and outside, that is. But who wants to do that? It’s cold outside!

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

It’s Possible That I Need to Be Quieter

I just sneezed and someone from *way* across the studio IM’ed me:

“Bless you.”

Somewhere in that Neighborhood Is Fine, Sure

Studying with Jonah for his 9s times tables

“What’s 9 times 3?”

“Twenty-five.”

“Nope.”

“....”

“How about twenty-something, Mom?”

“I think I need you to be a little more specific.”

“Fine,” insert big sigh here from the boy, “twenty-seven.”

Monday, January 29, 2007

My Other Senses, They’ve Come Alive!

So I spent a fair part of the weekend in a fair amount of misery. I tried to go to work on Friday, but I was a pig on roller skates there. It’s hard to do computer work when you can’t really see the screens. Plus I was all “floaty” from the lortab.

So here’s the run-down of the weekend:

Friday Afternoon: Stoned and I yelled at everyone to “pipe down for Pete’s sake on a popsicle stick, I’m trying to nap!”

Saturday Morning: Stoned again. And “will you people stop making all that racket?! You are making my eye hurt worse.”

Saturday Afternoon: Stoned and beginning to hallucinate now. Reha is officially tired of taking care of me and runs out to a funeral and left all the noisy people on the planet at our house.

Saturday Evening: Out of lortab now. Eye still kills. Got a doctor friend to spot me a ‘scrip for a few more tabs.

Saturday Night: Reha goes shopping and gets my ‘scrip filled, but could SHE JUST BE GONE A FEW MORE HOURS, PLEASE? Holy crap, woman, I’m in pain here! How long does it take to fill a lortab prescription and get bread? I’m tempted to drive to the pharmacy, but I think better of it when I trip over a laundry basket in the hallway and fall face first into a heap of dirty laundry. Note to all boys in my household: Y’all need some remedial training in T. P. usage, my friends.

Sunday Morning: Take two pills. Church has never been more enjoyable. I think I actually floated off during Sunday School.

Sunday Afternoon: Eye is officially better. Should I stop taking the pain meds now?

Monday Morning: Thinking about breaking into my stash now for staff meeting. The pills worked wonders for church, they should work just as well for Staff Meeting.

OK, seriously, I do feel better. And seriously, it did hurt pretty bad. I have hyper sensitive eyes and they begin to water at the slightest disturbance. A light breeze in my face can make me all weepy, no lie. So having a nerf dart stuck into the side of one of them kind of pushed me right over the edge. My right eye even turned red and watery with “sympathy symptoms” for my poor beleaguered left-y. And I was very light sensitive throughout the whole extravaganza. And could we find any sunglasses in the house? No, none at all, but I found that ski googles work just fine for that purpose. Just slightly odd when you drive around town with them on is all.

A cookie for the first person to tell me whence I stole the title of this post from.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Arrrr!

So I have a complete inability to stay away from medical emergencies, it seems. Gall bladder, strabismus eye surgery, that one time I cut my head open on the car door on the way home from the gym, the three month hospital stay after my junior year. Yada, yada, yada. These are all occurrences that come around annually, it seems. I was overdue as a matter of fact.

Anyway, I had just finished eating a lovely pad thai dinner when Jonah popped around the corner of the kitchen and shot me.

Nerf dart.

The kind with velcro.

In my left eye.

I screamed (and I’m not purposely trying to be sexist or anything), but I let out a high pitched wail LIKE A LITTLE GIRL and started thrashing around like a big fat harpooned marlin. I actually kicked a chair (twice?) and dented the wall. Hurt like a mo-fo, it did.

When the dull throbbing failed to subside and the stabbing pains kept coming, we (Reha) decided that I should be carted to the E.R.

Long story short: I have a scratched cornea and I’m wearing an eye patch.

[insert your own pirate joke here]

Two things before I head to bed and let the lortab do its thing.

1) It hurts A LOT to get poked in the eye. I don’t think I’ll say the phrase “Well, that’s better than getting a sharp stick in the eye” anymore. That phrase is so obvious as to be meaningless, people. ANYTHING is better than a poke in the eye. Trust me on this one.

2) I can’t *wait* to decorate my eye patch with a smile-ly face/target/hand-drawn-eye picture tomorrow at work. Sometimes working at a graphic design studio where they have a lot of magic markers (a ZILLION DIFFERENT COLORS!) is a Good Thing™.

3) I know I said two, but I thought of something else. When you live with 15 children like I do, it might be a good idea to wear goggles at all times, not just when people are having nerf guns wars after dinner.

4) What should my nickname be now that I have a temporary patch? (Three? Four? Six? Whatever, who’s counting, the Lortab has kicked in). I need a pirate nickname now. Jon the Geek doesn’t have enough of a pirate ring. Locutus of Borg has also been suggested and rejected as “too dweeb-y.”

5) When you are a very white, very closing in on middle aged man in Salt Lake City, UT and the nurse/doctor/medical chica asks you “how did this happen?” and you answer with “I caught a cap in my eye while me and my homies were boosting a sweet ride, Yo” that isn’t nearly as funny as you think it is.

* * * UPDATE * * *

Much better this morning. I’ve come to work, but I just can’t see myself being all that productive. (Get it?! See myself!) Never mind, it’s only funny if you are on lortab, I guess.

“Hi there! I’m Patch-y McFoolish and I’ll be your pirate today!”

This one is for times like now, when I’ve truly embraced the warm enveloping glow of the opiates.

Proximus

 

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.