Thursday, November 30, 2006

How Life Works

Lest you think that everything is the world is puppies, flowers and a bean and cheese burrito, I present to you this:

That truck drove RIGHT BY Utah on its way to Maryland. There are about twenty, maybe thirty states in between here and MD. FedEx says it was misrouted. I say it’s bad karma for something I did, probably because I tickled Ellis so much the other day she pee’d a little. (Luckily not on me.)

A nice lady at the Hagerstown FedEx depot is going to try and put my package on a plane, so maybe I can get tomorrow, what I was supposed to have gotten yesterday.

I just want my Apple Remote Desktop 3 software! Is that too much to ask from the Universe?

Fun with Google

Zune IS a failure

Zune is NOT a failure

Zune is a success

Now, personally, I don’t care whit one about the Zune (or iPod really, as long as mine doesn’t break), but it’s a bit shocking that there are about 55K results for the first search, but ZERO for the second and only 53 for the third. And most of those 53 seem to be conditional. As in “If the Zune is a success.” Possibly most of those first hits are regurgitating Andy’s article, but still. Man, that’s some bad, bad mojo.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Why I’m Not In Charge of Anything

NY Times/AP article: Judge: Make Money Recognizable to Blind

Eventually they will make the bills smaller, larger, with Braille, etc., but I think my solution would be way more fun:

Scratch and Sniff!

How cool would it be if your Benjamins smelled like, I don’t know… fake banana!

OR!

There could be a small sound chip embedded in the money. But instead of speaking the denomination, you press on Ben Franklin and he says, “Don’t buy those jeans, they DO make your butt look huge!” George Washington would say, “That Twix bar will go straight to your belly, lard-boy! Buy an apple instead!” Hamilton, “This movies sucks, wait for the DVD.”

You get the idea.

And this is why I’ll never be put in charge of anything important.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Giving Thanks, Indeed

We had a nice relaxing Thanksgiving. Didn’t really do squat. Played many, many games of Uno and Skip-Bo. I am the undisputed CHAMPION of the Deal Clan, mostly because when the inevitable fisticuffs ensue over rules and game procedures, I don’t hesitate to kick, bite and scratch until I have beaten everyone into submission.

Technically, Jonah might be the Champion, but he’s little and I can pick him up and toss him wherever I want, so Jon for the WIN!

But I did have one moment of self-discovery.

I’m not a huge fan of Tofurky. (i.e. Vegetarian/Vegan turkey substitute.)

Half the family is now a confirmed/dedicated vegetarian. Lucas went back to “I don’t want to be mean to the animals,” Carrie stopped wavering over how good the smell of cooking beef is and Reha is reading The Omnivore’s Dilemma so she’s all up in arms over chickens whose breasts are so large they can’t stand up properly and manure ponds in beef feedlots. Jonah and Ellis just eat what’s put in front of them after they complain that what we’ve put in front of them is neither pizza nor mac and cheese.

That leaves me as the lone carnivore in the family. We ended up having a long and interesting conversation about Thanksgiving (and all the evil the holiday entails (over-eating, celebrating the pilgrims bringing small pox to the Native Americans, and Detroit playing poorly), meat eating, why I’m evil for eating meat and my motives behind my meat eating ways.

Now I’d like to take a moment and point out that I don’t really eat a whole lot of meat generally speaking. Beef is very rarely on the menu and I eat pork only when I get a pork barbacoa burrito from Cafe Rio. (yum!) I can’t remember the last time we bought meat at the grocery store, so my meat eating is relegated to when I eat out, basically. I’m public enemy numero uno for chickens, though. I eat a whole ton of chicken (and turkey, if I’m in a sandwich eating mood).

Reha asked me why I still eat meat, given its tortured history. (Cue graphic descriptions of chickens with no beaks, pigs with no tails and a whole epic about cow manure)

“Because animals are tasty!” was not really an acceptable response. Nor was because “God made them tasty, so therefore I eat them!” Basically no version of “I like the way they taste” really did the trick of convincing my now menacing group of vegetarians that my choice to eat meat was OK.

What it comes down to is this: I have many things in my life that take precedence over how we treat our food animals. I do care about them (in a general sort of way) and in particular I’m a little worried about e. coli in beef and how nasty for the environment large industrial animal farming is. But on the grand scheme of things, it really doesn’t blip on my radar very highly.

In my case it’s probably enough that I live with these vegetarian creatures. That cuts my meatiness by leaps and bounds. And I’m happy to eat the meat substitutes we have for tacos, etc., As long as we stay away from Tofurky, I’m on board. That stuff be nasty!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Excuses Why I Haven’t Posted Lately

My dog ate my howework computer.

I’ve been giving sensitivity training to Michael Richards and Mel Gibson.

I cured cancer, then fell asleep in my secret volcano lab, knocking over and spilling hydro-flouric acid on my notes and ruining them forever. Sorry about that humanity.

Amway convention.

The secret joy of a really long hot bubble bath.

I’m still haven’t finished running the St. George marathon. (I know it started over a month ago, but I can see the finish line up ahead!)

Killed a guy in Reno, just to watch him die.

I have been updating… you just can’t read the entries, because you aren’t a member of the super-secret, über-exclusive neat-o club. Long live the Bourgeois! Death to the proletariat!

My Post-A-Matic was in the shop.

I’ve been busy.

Happy Turkey Day everybody!

Proximus

 

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Correspondence
• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.