Wednesday, November 23, 2005

It Won’t Last, Soon She’ll Just Think I’m Goofy and Strange

Truck drivers (teamsters) can be seriously grumpy when they can’t unload stuff when and where they want. I think that guy wanted to crawl through the phone and smack me with a tire iron when I told him this morning (different guy than from yesterday) that I’d prefer that he not just dump over a TON of pricey hardwood flooring in my driveway.

Anyway…
One nice thing about toddlers is that they are easily impressed.

I’m pulling up the disgusting, strawberry yogurt and grape juice and spaghetti sauce stained carpet in the dining room to make room for the booty load of certified Green environmentally friendly hardwood flooring. I tug (lightly and easily I might add, de-installing our nasty old carpeting is pretty much dead simple) and it comes right up.

Ellis: “Daddy! You did it! You did it!”
“Yep, I did.”
“You’re my HERO, daddy!”

Hand to heaven, those were her exact words. Now I’m all verklempt and I think I need a tissue.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Faustian Pacts are Fun!

A couple of years ago I sold a part my soul to the devil. And later that year, because I wasn’t going deep enough into hell, I sold most of the remaining portion again. Then, because I wasn’t quite sure if had totally condemned myself to an eternity of damnation, I went ahead and sold the remaining crumbs of my battered soul to an even worser demon.

Yes, Intarweb, I own stock in all three of those companies. Not only that, but I’ve made money on them. Let the flames begin.

But before you do, at least I didn’t vote for the worst devils you can imagine.

So, yeah, I’m a bleeding heart liberal who has voted basically straight ticket Democrat in every election I’ve been able to participate in (except ‘88 when I voted for Bush 41, but I was young and naïve then, plus Dukakis had those huge scary eyebrows and we couldn’t have a president who would frighten the kids), and I get the Sierra Club calendar every year for my healthy donation. I listen to NPR. I read DailyKos, Wonkette and this guy on a daily basis. I’ve actually donated to the Democratic Party (and it would be nice if they’d stop asking for money, by the way. Man, they can be persistent!). I’ve subscribed to this rag for over a decade and I wish I were smart enough to read this thing cover to cover. (It’s a bit too dry for me and James Fallows uses really BIG words).

My point, and eventually I’ll get to it, is that I’m a bleeding heart liberal at my core, who pretty much can’t stand those guys (Microsoft, Wal-Mart and ExxonMobil) and so what the hell am I doing buying their stock? Someone with my computer background (Macintosh fanboy and Linux lover) could just as easily be burning Windows XP CDs. Someone with my political beliefs should be tooling around the country protesting every Wal-Mart store opening. And I’m the kind of person who would believes SUVs will be the death of this country and that our dependence on foreign oil is a huge looming national security issue.

Basically, I’m tired of doing the Right Thing™ and not getting ahead. And I really need to plan for the future. It’s damn hard to make any money in the Market by just investing in “clean” things. I’ve got kidlets who want to go to college and eventually I’d like to retire.

Plus, and this is the main thing that is a total cop out. Those companies have always made bank are going to make mucho moolah for a long time to come. Someone is going to get that benefit so why shouldn’t I toss in as well? I knew MSFT was going to OWN the PC world way back in the 90s when they released Windows 3.1 and the computing world said, “meh, good enough for us, we’ll buy” against all logic to the contrary. I didn’t buy stock back then because I was a purist. M$FT (yes, with the dollar sign, ugh) was the ENEMY and all us good Apple fanboys knew that eventually the computing world would see the light. Never happened. MSFT took over.

Finally after years of watching stock prices rise into the stratosphere, I had to do something. So I looked around and thought, “who are the companies that are basically unstoppable right now? Who do I hate more than anyone because they are evil and no one will ever be able to bring them down??” Obviously the Justice Department wasn’t doing a lot to make MSFT behave. The European Union recently tried when they made Bill and Co. take Windows Media Player out of XP, but no vendors are really buying those systems, are they? And Wal-Mart can run rampant over zoning laws and immigration laws and no one cares. And the CEOs of the oil companies can get in front of Congress and LIE and no one does squat.

In 2003 I began buying MSFT stock. They have a direct stock purchase plan and $50 zoomed out of my checking account every month and I never missed it. No excessive trading fees because it’s direct from the Borg collective in Redmond. Then I went to a Wal-Mart on a Saturday and went, “Holy Crap! Look at all these peoples! And all these peoples are buying all this junk! Wow.” I did a bit of research, realized that the little store Sam built makes about a billion dollars a month profit and threw down another $50/month. I think Wal-Mart will be the first company whose market value reaches $1 trillion.

Then Bush and Karl and Dick decided to get all up in Saddam’s grill. So I figured oil would go through the roof. Even if those losers in the White House succeeded (which obviously they didn’t), we Americans are idiots will continue to drive SUVs until gas costs $4.50/gallon. Plus, eventually China will begin wanting SUVs and then Big Oil will clean up again. So I plunked down another $50/month for XOM, which makes me look smarter than Warren Buffet, frankly. When in reality, I’m just a good guesser.

If only directly owning stock in those companies didn’t make me feel so dirty.

But at least I know that pretty much everyone in America and elsewhere as well, I suppose, is just as dirty as me. Because if you work and have a 401(k) or whatever, I can about guaran-damn-tee that those companies and other equally nasty multi-national corporations’ stock are lurking in some mutual fund you own. You can’t really escape them. I know there are so-called “green” or “clean” or “righteous” or “whatever” funds that only invest in “good” things, but they NEVER seem to make coin consistently.

Wal-Mart has basically been printing cash since the 1970s. And MSFT makes money just by existing, I think. Monopolies are good like that. And don’t get me started on Exxon and how much insane cash they’ve made of late. Think the government will stop them and make them pay a windfall tax to help pay for Katrina clean up or balance the damn budget? I’ll shave my head if they do. (An aside, I might just do that soon, anyway, so that’s not really saying much on my part, is it?)

So that’s my deep dark secret, Intarweb. I sell t-shirts that make fun of corporations (more coming Real Soon Now™, promise!), but secretly I want those faceless, soulless amoral bastards to stomp all over everything so my kids won’t have to sell their souls to another soulless witch.

Liberal Guilt is a biatch.

Monday, November 21, 2005

My Son, the Sleep Puker

Last night Reha and I walked into our room, expecting to find a sleeping Jonah in our bed. I had sent him to bed early because he dumped a “soap experiment” on Ellis’ head while she was taking a bath. “But Dad, I was just trying to see what happened when I mixed shampoo, water and liquid hand soap and then poured it on her.”

What happens is that Ellis screams and Screams and SCREAMS because; 1) she’s never liked having things poured over her head. Water gets in her ears and that bugs her, and 2) she gets soap in her eyes. Duh, Jonah. These are hypotheses that don’t need empirical data, my friend. So he got sent to bed early (8:30) (our bed, since he doesn’t really have a room right now because of the never ending remodel) and then we move him to the couch or somewhere else after he’s fallen asleep.

Reha was the first into our bedroom and just after walking in she says, “Jonah, are you OK? Did you throw up?”

“ABOUT A MILLION TIMES, MOM!” He yelled. Like the question irritated the crap out of him. I’m not exactly sure how Re knew he’d vomited. She either used her inherent super-female-olfactory-sensory-power or she stepped in a puddle of the stuff at the foot of our bed.

“Are you OK?”

“Yeah, I moved so I’m not sleeping in it.”

Uh-oh. Not only are there a couple of puddles of puke on the floor, but he’s deposited a few choice blobs in select places on the bed. And our sheets. And both blankets. Soaking into the mattress.

“Jonah, why didn’t you get up? And why didn’t you call us?”

“I don’t know. I don’t remember throwing up. Maybe I was sleep walking when I threw up. Sleep puking.”

“But you could have at least called us and told us you threw up.”

“My voice was tired.” Never mind that he started out by yelling at us and though he’s modulated his tone, he still sounds fine.

We moved him off the bed and into the hallway (his idea) and covered him, which is kind of pathetic if you can get a mental picture of this little kid in his camouflage undies (he REFUSES to wear pajamas, like EVER, preferring commando over anything, getting him to wear clothes is a struggle) in our skinny hallway and covered with a baby blanket (also his idea) and a throw pillow (again, his idea).

Final score on the Master Bedroom and Furnishings vs. Jonah: 0 to 7. Three puddles on our bed and 4 on the floor. I think we emptied a Family size bottle of Febreeze™ in there everywhere. The mattress was still damp when we got up. But that stuff works! No puke smell at all on the mattress. Bless you, diligent product scientists at Proctor & Gamble, bless you.

While we are cleaning up the bed and the floor he tells us that he has some “nasty vomit” on his arm and his face “AND THAT REALLY BOTHERS ME BECAUSE I CAN’T PUT MY HEAD ON MY ARM AND IT’S STARTING TO FEEL LIKE IT BURNS. CAN YOU PLEASE CLEAN ME?”

“Sure, Jonah, we’ll get right on that.”

Jonah has inherited his mother’s “I sleep better when I’m sick if I’m sitting upright” thing so eventually we move him to the living room chair. Poor kid.Yes, that bowl is there so he can puke it in. And yes, he did puke in it later.

Oh, and did our washing machine break on Saturday? Yes! Did the Sears guys come and say that he didn’t have the part and he’d have to order it and he had no idea when it would arrive? Double Yes!

And did the freight company call me this morning (Monday) saying their truck driver was ready to deliver the wood flooring we ordered three months ago and that we had officially scheduled to arrive on Friday? Oh yes. Do we have a spot ready in the dining room where the wood can sit and acclimate for a week? No, not so much.

Did I wire the downstairs incorrectly for three-way switches and have to start over? Kinda. Do three-way switches confuzzle me? Maybe a little. And did I drop $150 more at Home Depot again this weekend? Of course.

And I fell off the ladder. Almost put a screwdriver in my diaphragm when I landed, too.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Things I don’t understand

Why, when you mistype an address in Google’s domain (like this, for example) and get their 404 page, it doesn’t have a “Search” box.

‘Splain this to me, Lucy.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Her Attorneys Have Nice Stationary, Though

Jen never calls me back. No matter how many times I call and no matter what time of day (or night!) I call, she never calls back. And since that little incident when I was hiding in her shower, I have to keep 150 yards away from her at all times. Do you know how hard it is to have dinner with someone from that far away? And let’s set the record straight, OK? I wasn’t hiding, technically. I was merely looking for stray hairs in her tub drain. Is that so wrong? In reality I was doing her a tremendous favor by ridding her pipes of her random, stray tresses. She was well on her way to having a nasty clog. Because if doing her a favor like that is WRONG, then I’m not sure I want to be right.

And the reason I wasn’t wearing any clothes when the authorities burst in is very easy to explain. Really.

It was hot.

See? Easy. There wasn’t any need to use the pepper spray, mace and a Taser™. And let me tell you, pepper spray on certain glandular areas does NOT tickle!

Meanwhile back on planet Earth…

Got an e-mail from a co-worker teasing me that Jen’s assistant had called me and that she’d like to set up a meeting. And that she really likes bald men. (Jen, not the co-worker, though maybe my co-worker likes bald guys, I haven’t investigated that thoroughly. I’ll get back to you on that, Intarweb)

It is bad or strange or sick that my heart skipped a beat when I read the email and wondered “Oh my heavenly stars on a popsicle stick! What if it’s true?!”

Then I calmed down, hacked her email so every message she sends has a signature that reads “I’m having Harry Potter’s baby and I don’t care who knows! XOXOXO, Ali!”, and went back to making clipping paths. Don’t mess with the Admin, Alison. “root” is God.

 

Novus

Proximus

 

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Partners
• Correspondence
• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2010 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.