Monday, April 28, 2008

Thank You For Your Input

Jon: Elllis, did you know that we almost didn’t name you Ellis?

Ellis (5) [Shocked and horrified]: What?!

J: Yeah, we considered “Floopy McBundy Deal” but decided against it at the last minute.

E [Even more chagrined]: Nu-uh! No Way!

J: Totally true, E.

E: Hmph!

[Silence for a few moments]

Jonah [chiming in from the other room]: I like “Floopy” better.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Maybe a Little Angst?

My last Special Guest Poster for the week is my lovely and delightful wife, Reha. I didn’t even have to pester to her to write this one. She told me a few days ago that she felt fine about turning 40 yesterday. I wonder.

Top 10 reasons to die before you turn 40:

10. Gray hair
9. Spider veins
8. Your beautiful children turn into teenagers
7. The price of plastic surgery
6. Second mortgage
5. Mini-vans
4. Surly children and their spelling words
3. Paying for college
2. Mammograms
1. Chin hair

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Emotional Baggage Carousel

[Today’s Special Guest Poster is my Inner Child. Note: my Inner Child talks *very* fast, has poor grammar and the attention span of a gnat. Not that different than my usual fare, I suppose.]

Hi!

What’s up, chicken butt?

Ha! Ha!

I mean, what’s up, Internet?!

OK, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say here, but they say you should always start off with a joke.

OK, here we go!

It’s a dirty joke. Am I allowed to tell dirty jokes? OK, it’s not really a DIRTY joke, but it is REALLY funny. Well, it’s dirty, but it doesn’t have swear words. Is that OK? Are you sure? I don’t want to get in trouble or anything. Remember that one time I said the “s” word kind of loud in Mrs. Hennessy’s class and everyone turned around and stared at me, but I didn’t know it was a bad word and then I had to go to the vice principal’s office and he made me stay after school and pound erasers clean on the red brick wall outside? That wasn’t very fun at all and I got chalk dust all over me and I had a coughing fit because of all the dust and then when I got home I got I trouble all over again for getting in trouble in the first place and then even more trouble when I wouldn’t say WHY I got in trouble at school, since I’d get in even more trouble for saying the “s” word?

OK, I’m going to tell my dirty joke now. Are you ready? Because you are going to DIE from laughing!

“How did the white horse get turned black?”

Hold on, I have to pee. I’ll be right back.

Hey! I’m back! The bathroom is kind of scary. The toilet is REALLY LOUD when it flushes. And the swirly it makes is SUPER strong and I thought maybe I was going to be sucked down into the vortex. Where does that go anyway?  think it goes into the sewer where the alligators live. I didn’t want to touch the seat, but I ended up having to go #2 so I had to sit. Do you think I’ll catch any diseases from sitting on that thing? Plus, my tooshie got splashed when I went and that’s really gross. I HATE it when that happens. I think the swirly thing tries to reach out and grab me and that’s why I run away really fast after I flush. You do that, too, right?

Where was I?

Oh! My joke! It’s really funny! Let me start again.

“How did the white dog get turned black?”

I know! I changed it to a dog from a horse, but it makes a LOT more sense as a dog instead of a horse. I’m allergic to dogs. And horses, too. We got me a puppy when Mom and Dad got a divorce, but no one knew I was allergic to dogs when we got the dog and since I’m allergic and the dog slept in my bed with me, I ended up scratching myself red and bloody. That wasn’t any fun, and my eyes got all runny and swollen, too, and then the puppy had to go away. I wasn’t really sad when the dog went away because even though it was really cute, I think I wanted to die after a couple hours.

Where was I?

Oh! The joke. It’s really funny! And dirty! It’s a dirty joke!

“How did the white dog get turned black?”

“He fell into a mud puddle!”

HA! HA! Get it!? The dog was white and then fell into a mud puddle and got all dirty! That’s why it’s a dirty joke!

Why aren’t you laughing? It’s funny!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

A Word from the Small Person in the House

[Today’s Special Guest Poster is my youngest daughter Ellis (5). Pretty sure she’s making some of this stuff up.

I like to color. I like to play with my toys. My favorite toy is my princess cash register.

My big brother Lucas is fun and friendly and he needs a haircut or he won’t look cool.

My big brother Jonah likes to play with Legos. He’s kind of funny and is like a monkey.

My big sister Carrie was in a play. I wasn’t allowed to see it because it was too scary for me. During Spring Break she took care of me. We went out to lunch with her friend Autumn.

My mom did the marathon and she runs a lot and she likes to play games and she likes my pictures. The ones that I draw. She’s funny and makes little funny jokes like, “Why did the meatball roll down the house? Because he thought it would be fun, but he fell down and he hit his head and he went in the dirt and then he grew a bush and that had meatballs on it.”

I like to play princesses with my dress ups. My favorite movie is Mariposa and my favorite book is “The Secret Mermaid Handbook.” I go to school and I don’t like nap time and I like to sing and play with my friends. I like to read at school. Tonight my mom gave me a haircut and now I have nice bangs. My mom took me to see Disney Princesses on Ice and it was FUN! I liked it when Cinderella was in a carriage on ice. She had no horses. And when the dragon came out in the Sleeping Beauty part. He blowed out fire [sic.] and lit the ice on fire.

My Daddy is silly and he was sick over the weekend. He is not cute. He has an iPhone and it’s cool because you can touch the screen and watch Harry Potter Puppet Pals on it.

That’s all I have to say and can we be done now?

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

It’s the Economy, Stupid

[Today’s Special Guest Poster is Wall Street. Now obviously, Wall Street is an amalgamation of various financial firms, banks and investment companies and they don’t generally speak with One Voice, but occasionally they get together and sit down to chat. We are so lucky to hear from them today. Wall Street was super busy and didn’t have time to sit down and write a whole piece, but agreed to a short interview.]

Jon: Thanks for talking to us, Wall Street. How are you doing today?

Wall Street: How am I doing? What are you crazy, kid? I’m dying over here. I’m up. I’m down. It’s like a frickin’ roller coaster ride over here. I have no idea what I’m doing from one day to the next. It’s driving me nuts.

J: Bit nervous, are you?

WS: Nervous. Out of sorts. As jittery as a hummingbird on crack, that’s how I am. Wait! Was was that? Did you hear something? Jeez, I’m jumpy this week.

J: I didn’t hear anything. Maybe you should sit down?

WS: Sit down he says. Like I can just sit down! Yeah, like that’s going to go over well on earnings day. Man, I have to keep GROWING! Constantly. The pressure is insane! Seriously. Can’t you hear that noise? It’s like a deep rumbling. I think I’m going to faint.

J: Well, look, I just have a few questions. I’ll try to be brief.

WS: OK. Fine. Go. Shoot.

J: OK. Here we go. I’ve been doing a bit of research on market segments and I’ve noticed in the past few weeks and months and that the market as a whole—

WS: Cripes, man. Get to the point! I don’t have all day here.

J: Um. Sorry.

WS: I can’t believe this crap. You gonna ask the questions or not? And what the hell is that noise? It’s like it’s vibrating my head off over here. You have one of those cheap Blackberries? Man, I hate those things.

J: I don’t hear anything on the line. Anyway. What’s the deal with the market? Where’s it going?

WS: You pulled me off the trading floor to ask me where the market is going? You have got to be kidding me. What is this, amateur hour? 

J: I just thought maybe you would have some insight.

WS: Insight. Ha! Kid, where I come from, insight is just another term for insider information, which means doing 5-10 at the Danbury minimum security facility. Here’s your insight kid: The market stinks right now. We are the Paris Hilton of markets right now. All glitz. No substance. The bears are in charge over here. We all thought the banks were solid, but those guys are shuffling paper over there to hide insane sub-prime losses faster than you can say “debenture.” Everyone’s panicking because they know oil is going to hit $150/barrel by summer and all the manufacturing jobs flew to China years ago and all this country cares about is getting the latest scoop on Britney Spears’ crazy hoo-ha. There’s your insight, buddy. That sound is getting louder! I can feel it through the floor now. It’s a deep growling and rumbling noise. You can’t hear that?

J: Sorry, I can’t. So what are you saying? Is it too late for us? Are we screwed economically?

WS: Listen, you didn’t hear it from me, but OF COURSE you are. Look, I’ll do fine. Golden parachute and offshore accounts and all that. But you little people with your mortgages and saving for retirement and college for your kids. Sorry, man, you folks are going to get nailed to the cross.

J: So it’s a recession that’s coming?

WS: DO NOT SAY THAT! What are you, STUPID? You can’t just say that word in public, man! THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT COME! It’s like Cthulhu or something. You speak the forbidden words and The Devourer comes!

J: Oh, sorry about that. OK, next question.

WS: Nope. We’re done. Besides, I have a small and undervalued petro-chemical outfit to take over and break into pieces. Wait! The rumbling is deafening now. IT’S IN THE ROOM WITH ME! AAHHH! MAKE IT STOP! FOR THE LOVE OF JOHN MAYNARD KEYES, MAKE IT STOP! OH NO! IT’S THE COMING OF THE RECESSION! IT’S HERE! HELP! AAAAHHHH!!!!!

And then there was a muffled gurgle and the phone line went dead.

 

Novus

Proximus

 

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.