Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Must Remember to Clear Recent Search History at the End of the Day
Many people who have blogs and websites at some point delve into their log files and dredge up all the weird crap that people type into google which leads them to their site. Like “Some weirdo typed in ‘banana lesbian hobos’ and they got here! Isn’t that wierd and c-r-a-z-y?”
Yes, it is weird. And of course, c-r-a-z-y! And those entries are pretty funny, usually. The things people type into a browser field. Yeesh.
Personally, I get a fair number of searchers landing here at Ransom Note Typography HQ with the terms like “crazy eyes bad hair tuft” which leads people to these photos. Whatever. I’m not going to harp on the strange proclivities of the web surfing populace or why someone would purposefully search for “crazy eyes bad hair tuft” in the first place. We all know that people are strange beasts and perverted and most shouldn’t be allowed to touch computers, never long be allowed to post things on web sites.
No, what I’d like to share this morning is a day in the life of my own personal web searching history. Every term, lovingly saved by Google and coming to you straight outta Safari, kids!
And to be fair, yes, I probably shouldn’t be allowed to post to web sites, either. And I was only trying to get Courtney to give me Jen’s number. She could have been a LOT nicer before hanging up on me.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Kids Are Not Good for Your Self-Esteem
Reha is doing a little online shopping. Lands’ End has this rather clever “virtual model” thing. You take some measurements of yourself (rather, you make your husband do that), input the data and then they have some ginchy software that makes a virtual model of your body and you clothe it. Not a bad idea. You get a pretty good idea of how something might fit on you.
Anyway, Reha made her model and showed it to me and I said, “so that’s you? Yeah, I’d agree with that.”
Ellis interjected, “No, Dad, that’s NOT her. She’s OLD, Dad. Mom is OLD and that girl isn’t.”
Friday, March 02, 2007
Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
Copied and pasted from an actual inter-office IM conversation between me and our (new) receptionist at work yesterday morning.
Jon: hey LouLou.... (ed. note: not her real name. Her real name is Tori and she’s too embarrassed to be seen here, so I’m changing it.)
LouLou: hi
Jon: I’m expecting a couple FedEx packages today
LouLou: Alright.
Jon: So I’m going to need you to be on “Team Jon” and not abandon your post up front
LouLou: I’ll do my best
Jon: See, the players on “Team Jon” are dedicated
LouLou: Definitely.
Jon: do you think you have what it takes to be on Team Jon?
LouLou: I hope so. . .
Jon: it’s a high honor
Jon: only given to the best and the brightest
Jon: and to people who sit in your chair
LouLou: Oh wow. . . this is a great honor.
Jon: absolutely
Jon: and let’s talk about the benefits of being on Team Jon for a second, shall we?
Jon: First off… there is a the honor
Jon: of just being a team member
Jon: I mean
Jon: that alone… it’s worth the price of admission
Jon: but THAT IS NOT ALL!
Jon: There are t-shirts!
Jon: You can have your choice of t-shirts from my bottom drawer at home. Most have even been laundered recently!
Jon: and
Jon: if you are an OUTSTANDING member of Team Jon ... that is… if you perform your Team Jon duties with distinction… well ... there may be a mug/coffee cup in YOUR future
LouLou: Oh wow.
LouLou: Those are great reasons.
Jon: See!
Jon: So… stiff upper lip and all that… Carry on with your Telephonic Answering and Assistant type duties
Jon: those are important as well
Jon: I guess. If you have to and the phone rings
LouLou: Yes sir!
Jon: On Team Jon… The FedEx Guy… he is your REASON FOR LIVING. It’s vital that he not come to the door, peek in and see an empty reception desk. He’ll immediately assume we’ve gone out of business, turn on his little FedEx purple and orange heels, and sashay back to his truck with Team Jon’s packages, without ringing the bell nor even leaving one of those “We missed you” notes. The FedEx Guy IS NOT ON TEAM JON.
Jon: and your husband and stuff like that, I suppose you can live for him as well
Jon: if you must
LouLou: So, what you’re saying is. . . I should have married the FedEx guy, right?
LouLou: It would have made my life a whole lot easier
Jon: that would have been EXEMPLARY Team Jon performance, yes
Jon: for that we would have given you a gift certificate to Chuck-o-Rama
Jon: or Sizzler
Jon: your choice
LouLou: Oh wow, those are both great places
LouLou: Top of the line
Jon: nothing but the best for Team Jon “Stars”
FedEx came. Packages signed for. Though not everything I was expecting. Three Mac Book Pros won’t come until this afternoon. “Shipment Exception.” Stupid FedEx hates me. What’s with all the hate, FedEx? Tori LouLou gets a gold star on her official Team Jon Helmet, especially for being so nice about my chaining her to the receptionist desk. Though I am sorry she got a urinary tract infection from not being able to go to bathroom to pee yesterday afternoon. That was unfortunate, though predictable.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Unacceptable Nicknames for Ellis
If you value your life, do not call our youngest daughter any of the following. She will either: A) stare at you blankly and not respond, B) respond violently and throw something at you. There is no grey area in her pre-school mind.
- Schmoopy Pants
- McCheese Honcho Head
- Tiggle Butt (Reha doesn’t like this one)
- Fran
- Crackle Monger
- Snuggle Puff
- Schmutzy Monster
- Snarf Head
- Fiddle Farter
- Carbuncle Argyle Nose
- Turkey Face
- Giggle Honey
- Sweet Nugget of Doom
- Little Miss Poopy Face (Reha also objects to this one)
- Kerfluffle Toes
- Joe
- Floopy Jones
- Skee-Doodle Bug
- Fräulein Cranky Face
- Cabbage Sniffler
- The E.-Machine
- Schmegly Goo
- Ellis-Bellis (which is kind of sad, because that’s the “go to” nickname, we’ve all called her that FOREVER)
And this morning, I called her “Cherry Blossom,” which I note, was approved yesterday and she yelled at me and then stuck me with a shiv made from doll parts she’d been honing for weeks. I’m still bleeding as a matter of fact.
Also, for the record, I have indeed called her EACH of those nicknames. And EACH time she says (sometimes even politely), “My name is Ellis. Not Kerfluffle Toes, Dad.” Then she usually hucks a jar of plum preserves at my head.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Kids Are Strange Animals
Completely out of the blue, Ellis says to Reha:
“It’s OK if you call me ‘cherry blossom.’”
No explanation. No context. No preface.
Just “cherry blossom.”
Whatever, dude.
Favorite Entries
If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.
- Partners
- Correspondence
- Help Wanted
- From the Office of Mis-directed Email
- A Word from the Small Person in the House
- RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
- Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
- Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
- A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
- We Regret the Error
- Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
- What I Did There
- Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
- Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
- Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
- I Need a Real Hobby
- Beat Down
- Big Fat Lies
- True Love
- Now MY Ovaries Hurt
- Don’t Get Her Started
- Disturbing Trend
- Had to do it
- Mooshy stuff
- Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
- Diva-licious!
- Just so we’re clear
- PETA may have a point
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Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?
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