Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Probably Not A Mensa Candidate

Last night as I was strolling into Ellis’ school to pick her up at the end of the day, one of her small classmates stopped me.

Kid: “Hey, are you Ellis’ mom?”

Me: “Hi. I’m sorry?”

Kid [determined and slightly exasperated]: “Are you Ellis’ MOM?”

I look over at the kid’s dad, giving him a look that says, “you see what’s happening here, too, right?” The dad looks just as perplexed as I feel.

Me: “Nope, I’m Ellis’ Dad.”

I guess I need to work on my masculine characteristics.

Obviously, sporting a full beard isn’t doing the job.

Jon scribbled this mess on 07/16/08 at 08:07 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Monday, July 14, 2008

Help Wanted

I was driving all over creation with my Mom and step dad last week and came across this sign:

Did I apply?

I’m not saying.

But here is a small part of my application letter to be Mayor of South Weber, Utah.

July 8, 2008

To Whom it May Concern:

Good sirs and madams! Salutations and warm greetings to you from me, Jon Deal, your future Mayor and Overlord!

Despite what you may have heard from the cretins in North Weber, where I formerly held court and ruled, I have always been a true devotee of the South Weber lifestyle. A fan, if you will. You have it nice in South Weber and I need a change of scenery from the dull and exceeding difficult landscape of North Weber.

While I’m on the subject of North Weber, I need to dispel some nasty rumors floating around and probably spread by those ungrateful wretches up in the tundra-filled wasteland that is North Weber. As you may have read in that traitorous rag, The North Weber Dispatch, my term of service was contentious, though fruitful for many of the “faithful.”

Please note the following:


  1. I did not and have never had sexual congress with any livestock.

  2. The carpet in Mayoral complex was like that when I got there (And I BETTER get back my security deposit)

  3. Those so-called “kickbacks” and “bribes” were all properly accounted for. I run a tight, though exceedingly complicated financial ship.

  4. I did not “steal like thieving whore” the mayoral limo. I gave it back, but since that smell won’t come out, they told me just to keep it.

Having cleared up those minor details, I would like to present to you my qualifications for Mayor of your fine city.

Crime will be non-existent. I am able to achieve this remarkable feat based on my “shoot to kill” curfew, which goes into effect at 7:01 PM and runs until 6 AM. If you are on the street during those hours, you are a criminal and deserve your instantaneous punishment. Yes, the folks at the mall will complain about having to close early, but it’s for the best, really.

A flourishing economy. While it’s true that a purely “Amway-based” financial system sounds risky, I assure you that my theories on economic development are based on sound monetary policies and fiscal principles. Plus, many construction jobs will be created when the South Weber Mayoral Palace expansion plans are enacted. And yes, though my family and retinue are not overly large, I think you will agree, 47 rooms, 26 bathrooms and a shooting range in the basement is paltry for a leader of my stature. Once the renovations are complete, daily tours of the palace will also bring in revenue, after my personal expenses are taken care of. (It’s my home, after all, I need to re-coup some of my outlays and the inconvenience of having filthy tourists in my house)

National Security/Defense. You make be asking yourselves, “We are a small town in northern Utah, why do we need to worry about National Security and defense policy?” Excellent question, but I’m afraid that I can’t answer it at this time, given certain provisions of the Patriot Act. But I can assure you that a couple tanks rolling down the streets will also help to keep the crime rate low. The squadron of F-16s stationed at the new air base where old man Klemper’s farm used to be and patrolling the skies daily are just an added safety measure. Also, old man Klemper is quite happy at his new place in Snowshoe Hill, Alaska. The cold, artic air is just what his emphysema needs the doctors tell me.

Education. I will be South Weber’s Education Mayor. See the enclosed material for detailed plans for the re-vamp of South Weber’s schools. Do not be alarmed, the “re-education camps” are well-lit and quite comfortable, just have the children bring extra jackets and blankets when they ship out. Children are nothing if not infinitely adaptable, I’ve found. Also, don’t be alarmed that the curriculum seems overly militaristic and regimented. Children need a firm hand and a little discipline goes a long way in shaping the mind of a child.

Please accept this small check as a token of my esteem and a tiny reward for your consideration.

Thank you!

Jon Deal

P.S. I no longer appear in public due to numerous threats against my person, so we can forego my usual ceremonial Mayoral sash and regalia at this time.

Jon scribbled this mess on 07/14/08 at 12:02 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post Favorite Entries. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Monday, July 07, 2008

Frankie Say Relax

I have this whole week (07/07-07/11) off so I won’t be around here too much. (My mom is in town, so I’ll be goofying around with her and the kids all week. I expect that I’ll be more than half goofy by the end of the week.)

Please, try and contain your sadness. I’ll be back!

Jon scribbled this mess on 07/07/08 at 08:06 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Beware the WLF

Reha and I were driving near a park last night and we saw what looked like million tiny feathers billowing and swirling around in the summer evening breeze.

R: Wow, look at that. What do you think that stuff is?

J: Hm. No idea. Looks like feathers. There is a duck pond right over there.

R: That’s a lot of feathers. Seems like far too many. I think it’s just petals from a dogwood tree or some other flowering tree.

J: Maybe a duck exploded.

R: What?!

J: Oh sure. Ducks can spontaneously combust, you know. Happens all the time.

R: …

J: You look skeptical, but this one time, I went camping and I was just calmly and normally feeding the ducks some bread scraps and I saw this duck get out of the water, walk toward me and then it just exploded. You never saw so many feathers in your whole life. They got everywhere, too. I was spitting feathers out of my mouth for about a week after that. Now that I think about it, maybe it wasn’t so spontaneous. Maybe it was a terrorist act. A suicide duck. And you know how geese have it in for me. Ever since that one time last fall when those canadian geese overheard me pointing out that their “flying V” formation was lopsided and looked more like an upside down check mark. I’m telling you, we should go home right now and watch the news and see if there are any reports of water fowl terrorist groups taking credit and responsibility for what must have been a heinous and horrible act of violence. Seriously, you don’t hear a lot about it on the news, because of how the mainstream media has been completely co-opted by bird watchers, but the Waterfowl Liberation Front (the WLF for short) is very active around here.

R: I knew getting ice cream and allowing your sugar levels to increase was a bad idea.

Jon scribbled this mess on 07/01/08 at 10:24 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Friday, June 27, 2008

Someday She’ll Be Impressed

Ellis (5): I like the way Mommy does my hair.

Me: Really?! What does she do that I don’t do?

Ellis: She’s better at tying ribbons. And brushing. [hair]

Me: Well, sure she is. But can Mommy configure OS X Server 10.5 on an Xserve and set up Apache and MySQL?

Ellis remains unimpressed.

Jon scribbled this mess on 06/27/08 at 09:18 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link
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