Monday, January 12, 2009

That Domain Is Probably Still Available

Last year I started a podcast with John Moltz called Technology! Whiskey! Sexy! It was a total blast to write and record and I loved everything about it except one teeny little thing, namely editing the thing down to a reasonable length and quality. It was just far too much work for little old me and our shows weren’t just “turn the mikes on and go” affairs. We desperately needed editing. (Sound editing == a lot harder than you’d think.) So the responsibility for our “death” as a viable podcast can completely be placed on my shoulders.

Why, yes, I do have guilt, thanks for asking.

Anyway, I was re-reading some of our “scripts” and this little bit I wrote from our last broadcast was one of my favs. We generally improvised around using the script as a direction and guide, but this is the bare bones and what we had in front of us.

Oh, and today is one of those wacky Internet holiday things. “De-lurk” day or something. If you regularly read a site/blog, but rarely or never comment, today is the day to overcome your crippling and debilitating shyness and toss of few words into people’s comment boxes. Don’t worry if you start to have a panic attack and go into cardiac arrest, I have a portable defibrillator at the ready over here.

Defection

JOHN

OK, so let’s talk about this latest thing between Microsoft and Yahoo.

JON [silence]

JOHN

Hello?

JON [Stoney and dripping with anger and contempt]

What?

JOHN

Are you there?

JON

Yes, I am here.

JOHN

OK, great, so let’s talk about the Microsoft-Yahoo kerfluffle.

JON [sighs]

OK.

JOHN

OK, look, what’s your problem, man? You’ve been pissy all evening.

JON

Me? I don’t have a problem, man.

JOHN

See, right there. That attitude. What’s that about?

JON

Why don’t you tell me?

JOHN

I honestly have no idea what you are over there sulking about.

JON

Oh, I think you do.

JOHN

Is this about the other podcast thing?

JON

You’re damn right it is. You knew I’d find out and what’s more, I think you WANTED me to find out, didn’t you?

JOHN

I think you are over-reacting. As usual.

JON

See, right there! That’s what I’m talking about when I tell Dr. Sanchez that you disregard my feelings.

JOHN

Look, I was asked to be on a guest on a different podcast. It’s no big deal. I’m still here, aren’t I?

JON

It’s just not the same. I thought we were exclusive.

JOHN

OH. MY. GOD. Are you going to bring that up AGAIN? I thought we were past this.

[silence for few moments. Maybe some paper or background noise so it’s not totally dead air, but neither of us are talking]

JON

Well, maybe I over-reacted.

JOHN

And I should have told you about the other podcasts.

JON

And maybe gotten me invited on as a guest, too.

JOHN

Well, let’s not go too far.

JON

See, there you go again! You are ashamed of me. Ashamed to be seen “slumming around the Internet” with a nobody on a “going nowhere podcast.” You are trying to trade up, aren’t you?

JOHN

I NEVER said that. Not exactly, anyway. I just said, that maybe it would be nice if you helped out with with marketing and stuff. And that maybe it would have been good if you had been a little more, you know, “internet famous” before we started this, that’s all.

JON

Whatever. Fine. I’ll get over it. I’m over it.

JOHN

Look, I’m sorry.

JON

Yeah, me, too. And I‘m sorry about the site.

JOHN

What site? The technology whiskey sexy site? Looks fine to me.

JON

Um. No. The john moltz is a big honkin’ loser dot com site I set up a few weeks ago after you were on twit live with Leo.

JOHN

What?

JON

johnmoltzisabighonkinloser.com. A real community has sprung up around it. We are planning a meet up in a couple weeks!

JOHN

What the hell?

JON

Yeah. I guess I should take it down.

JOHN

You’re damn right you should take it down. Why did you even put it up in the first place?

JON

I was upset. And hurt about the other podcasts. I lashed out.

JOHN

By creating a hate site about me? Holy crap, look at this! Says here that I rape puppies.

JON

Yeah, I’ll edit that.

JOHN

Oh my god! I am NOT “hung like an elevator button.”

JON

Yeah, sorry, that was me. I’ll fix it.

JOHN

What fix? TAKE. IT. DOWN. The whole thing. Jeeez.

JON

OK, fine, but you do have to admit that some of it is true. You do have chronic halitosis.

JOHN

IT’S A VALID MEDICAL CONDITION. I’m seeing a doctor about it. She says the pills take time to have a discernible effect.

JON

Sure. And obviously, I’m sorry that we did that pornographic animated GIF of you. That was just plain wrong. But you have to admit that it’s quite well done. You can’t even tell your head has been pasted on. Kid in Oakland did that. He’s got a lot of talent.

JOHN

And it’s the number one hit for my name on google right now! WTF!

JON

Oh, right. I guess that SEO stuff actually works. Who knew?!

JOHN

I don’t think we are done with this, Mister.

JON

Man, you sure do know how to bring the drama.

JOHN

You posted my social security number on there!

JON

Again, with the panties in a bunch! It’s just in the HTML code and it’s commented out. It’s not like it the SS number shows up on page when it loads.

JOHN

There’s a box here that says, “View Source to get Moltz’s Social Security number,” followed by 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, let’s see, TWELVE exclamation points. And it’s blinking.

JON

Gawd. You can be such a weenie about these things. I’m logging in and taking the site down now.

JOHN

Good.

JON [tapping keys in the background as I speak]

Username: moltz-y_pants

JOHN

Oh, god.

JON [more keys]

password: elevatorbutton Annndd… there. Gone. Though you should know that you’ve now ripped apart a thriving community.

JOHN

Somehow I’m going to muddle through.

JON

OK. You want to talk about the Yahoo/Miscrosoft merger thing now?

JOHN

You know, I think maybe we should skip it tonight.

JON

Are you sure, because I do a killer Jerry Yang impression!

JOHN

I think it’d be best if we didn’t speak for while.

JON

Fine.

JOHN

Fine.

END

Jon scribbled this mess on 01/12/09 at 11:59 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Beta Tester Wanted. Must Have Thin Ankles!

I signed up to beta test a new app. Really looking forward to the Release Candidate. My extensive and frivolous feedback to the developers is below.

Tuesday, 11/11/2008

Adam—

Thanks for considering me as one of your beta testers! Got the email with the link. Filled out the form(s), but I was a little nonplussed about having to fork over a credit card number. I’ve done plenty of beta testing in the past and never had to pay for the privilege. I mean, I know that not everyone can “qualify” to be a beta tester, but I’m a little leery about how much you are charging! $495 is a lot for beta stuff, you know?!

your pal,
—jon

Wednesday, 11/12/2008

Adam—

Oh! I see! The credit card thing is just for “age-verification” purposes. Seems like since we’ve known each other for a few years that you could have waived that requirement for me, but I totally understand how grumpy and sticky about these sorts of things lawyers can be.

Anyway, I re-input the three pages of forms (wow, you guys needed a lot of personal data!) all over again, slapped down my AmEx number and got the “real” download link and the files are downloading now. Weird that I have to use a separate application (this “download_expresser” thing) in order to get the beta files. Why can’t I just use a normal browser or FTP client? And, I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but this “download_expresser” application that you explicitly state I have to funnel my requests through; I must say, have to be brutally honest here, I’m not overly impressed with it. I’m also not exactly sure why all my internet connectivity and TCP/IP traffic have to go through your servers via the “download_expresser” application during the beta period. After all, the app I’m beta testing is a graphics and drawing application, right? On the face of it, the two things don’t seem to be related. Drawing. Internet. Not sure I get the connection, but you’re the expert! Ha! Ha!

Also, near as I can tell, your servers are on the moon or something! Kinda slow!

Oh, I get it. Just did a traceroute and your server seems to be located in Kazakhstan! And the connection is bouncing through routers in Zinjibar, Yemen; Ciudad Juarez, Mexico and Sofia, Bulgaria. Funky. But good to know you are thinking big and going global. :-]

OK, as soon as it’s done downloading (6.72 hours last time I checked), I’ll give you my first impressions!

your bud,
—jon

Wednesday, 11/12/2008 (later)

Adam—

Almost done! (43 minutes left!)

One point. The “download_expresser” doesn’t seem to want to let me use Google. Every time I try point a browser toward Google, I get re-directed to a porn search site. And I can’t close the browser window without two more windows with the same porn search site popping up. And it’s all geriatric midget porn. Ick. I can use Yahoo!, but it’s the Italian version and all my searches come back with listings for pasta makers and espresso machines.

A tad bit frustrated over here.

And now it says 1.5 hours left! Ack!

Any ideas?

your chum,
—jon

Wednesday, 11/12/2008 (later still)

Adam—

Hey, you must have fixed something on your end! The “download_expresser” says it’s almost done downloading the beta files. And though I’m still having trouble getting to Google (LOTS of pop-ups! Ugh!), I can see that a solitary Google page is way in the background behind about forty other windows, Yahoo! is now in English, so I guess I’ll be OK.

Hey! It’s done downloading! Wow, it’s HUGE! 2.7 GB. I expect a TON of features for all that data! Ha! Ha! I’m sure you’ll be pruning and optimizing all that bloat as you get closer to Release.

your homie,
—jon

Thursday, 11/13/2008 (Morning)

Adam—

Well, that was an exciting night!

I uncompressed the installer package and started the install process like I normally would with any application.

The installer immediately said I needed a newer version of the “download_expresser” and that started me on a fairly epic journey if I do say so myself.

The “download_expresser_updater” server (in China of all places!) appeared to have been overloaded or something. I was “in the queue!” but the connection kept timing out. I must have tried to get that “download_expresser_updater” a hundred times! Maybe those budget “computing cloud” services in Ciudad Juarez weren’t such a bargain after all. :-/

A bit flustered with my lack of success and unable to log into my IM account to talk to you (guess the “download_expresser” software that was routing all my internet traffic really did need to be updated!), I decided to re-boot the machine in case that might help. A window came up and said I had to give my admin password in order to do that. That’s never happened before. All I wanted to to do was re-boot the machine! I input my admin password as requested and the hard drive started making all kinds of scary noises, the DVD tray popped out and back in (twice! scared me half to death!) and then the screen went black for at least a minute or two. The computer re-booted, but instead of my normal desktop I had to log in using my beta account name and password. Very odd.

I fired up the installer again and this time I guess I got to the head of the line! “download_expresser_updater” worked like a charm I was able to get the beta install going.

Finally!

Anyway, a bunch of tiny windows kept flashing on the screen, but so fast I could barely read them. But I’m sure there was something about a time share in Bogota, Colombia. Does that sound familiar to you?

And then!

American Express called me! They said there was a bunch of very strange activity on my account. Was I indeed making numerous (60K+ according to Sheila at AmEx) tiny purchases in Yuan? I told them there must be an itty-bitty glitch in your master accounting system. Though I had given you my account number, I was sure it was only for verification purposes and not authorizing tens of thousands of micro-payments in Yuan for individual roofing shingles and custom colorized metallic Beanie Babies.

So that’s bug report numero uno right there! :-] (Well, bug #2 if you count the weird Google/Yahoo! Italy thing) (or #3 with the weirdness/slowness with “download_expresser” in general.)

Anyway. By this time I was beat, as you can imagine. The installer said it was finished, but again I had some difficulty getting the main install window closed. New “Installation Complete!” windows would spring up each time I hit the “X” to close one. I decided to shut down the computer, hit the hay and start fresh in the A.M., but the “Shut Down…” menu was grayed out. Odd, huh? I tried a couple different things to invoke the “Shut Down…” procedure, but had no luck. Finally, I just reached over to smack the “power” button, but I got a nasty shock when my finger came near it! Seriously, my little pinky finger is singed! Ouch!

A window popped up and though it was quite difficult to decipher, given all the flashing ads surrounding the main text, the window read, “Diagnostics in progress. DO NOT TURN OFF THE COMPUTER. Thank you for your patience. —The Developers.” I dismissed the window, watched another ad-filled warning window re-birth in its place and thought about the situation for a few minutes, though I was becoming increasingly alarmed by the high pitched whine the hard drive was making. There was a a lot of “disk thrashing” going on. I grew even more concerned when I started to smell the unmistakeable fetor of melting plastic. Plus, the lights on my cable modem were going crazy! Like a miniature strobe light disco display underneath my desk. Pretty and kind of soothingly mesmerizing, but more than a little alarming.

I was a touch panicky by now so I did what anyone would reasonably do. I yanked the plug from the wall and the computer made a noise I’d have to describe as a “groan” and then went dark. I’m loathe to anthropomorphize this kind of thing, but I could’ve sworn the faint glow from the CRT after I pulled the plug was almost accusatory. Creepy!

Then AmEx called back and a now frantic Sheila and a conferenced-in V.P. of Corporate Security said my account was being suspended until further notice. It seems my account was so active buying “antique knock-off Pez dispensers in Shanghai” during a 35 minute period that five of AmEx’s data centers collapsed into “emergency shelter mode,” went dark and completely offline. Then, for reasons the AmEx people can’t adequately explain but firmly believe is related to my account activity, trading on the London Stock Exchange ground to a halt and the Footsie 100 plunged 27.3%, setting off wave after wave of panic selling in other foreign markets. The AmEx people made it sound like I and my account would ultimately be the cause of massive crop failures across the Iowa plains as a shipment of critical fertilizer ran aground in the Azores when its navigation system spontaneously sputtered and died.

Crazy, huh?!

More later… must get some rest, this has all been a little stressful, you know?

your bro,
—jon

Monday, 11/17/2008

Adam—

I don’t want to alarm you, but the FBI, the Secret Service and a seriously pissed off German guy named Dieter from Interpol all want to have a few words with you. Seems your beta software has caused something of a global panic of stunningly cataclysmic proportions. It’s all very complicated and most of it went over my head, but it seems a small number of people made some astonishingly improbable trades during the time when, though I hesitate to cast blame your way, it appears pretty clear and for all intents and purposes that your software was spreading havoc on the global financial and capital markets.

The fact that no one can find you is also cause for concern.

Also, don’t believe any news reports telling you that I’m now a fugitive from the authorities. Trust me, the Feds know exactly where I am at all times now, seeing as how I’m writing this under the watchful eyes of Agents Rodriguez and Swenson in exchange for a promised small reduction in jail time. To hear them talk, I’ll probably be wearing this monitoring anklet for the rest of my life. That is, if I ever breathe “free” air again, given the multitude of felony charges being tossed at me. Not to mention the seventeen railroad freight car loads of Pez dispensers and purple and nickel anodized Beanie Babies delivered to my house day before yesterday. Do you have any idea how much those things can cost? Plenty, let me tell you! You should hear my neighbors whine about the mess in my front yard these days! It rained yesterday and the nickel run-off from the Beanie Babies has poisoned the groundwater in my neighborhood for at least 60 years. Basically, my street is now home to both a comprehensive monetary catastrophe and a new EPA Superfund Site.

Oh! Though I don’t want to be a total downer, I have to bear you even more bad news. It’s about the beta drawing software itself. I actually did get a chance to play with the app before the Secret Service burst into my living room while I was in my underwear. Here are my initial thoughts, though they may be clouded by the multiple cans of pepper spray the Feds used on me: as a drawing program, I’m afraid it’s pretty much a total bust and your dream of making the folks at Adobe quiver with fear is a pipe dream at best. Obviously, I’m not an expert, but it looks to me like you just got ahold of the source code to MS Paint and spent a few hours in Interface Builder to put a few coats of lipstick on that pig. I couldn’t even change the paint color from bright red! And the pen tool was only one size! 13 pixels. Basically useless. Dude, I don’t want to be overly critical, but I don’t think it represents your best efforts.

Anyway, it would be swell if you could drop me a line and perhaps even swear an affidavit (notarized please!) that I wasn’t involved in a vast conspiracy to defraud billions and billions of dollars from countless innocent victims all over the globe, destroy free markets as we know them and send the world into a calamitous and possibly endlessly spiraling cycle of economic Depression and chaos.

If you have a spare moment, that is.

your unwilling co-conspirator,
—jon

OK, really, the Birdhouse app is going to be awesome. If you use twitter as a “writing” platform (like me!) and have an iPhone, you’ll love it. Not sure on the true “release date,” but hopefully it’ll be soon. It’s getting better with every iteration, too. I’ve been using it for about a month and really, nothing bad has happened. (So far, knock on Steve’s black mock turtleneck! :-]) As a matter of fact, I think my teeth are whiter since I started using it.

But, if one of those guys (@lonelysandwich or @camh or even possibly here or here) ever asks you for a credit card number during the beta period, just walk away as quickly as possible and see if you can’t get Dieter on the horn. I understand the reward for their capture and conviction is substantial.

Jon scribbled this mess on 01/06/09 at 10:33 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Monday, December 29, 2008

Hey, He Made a List! (Twitter Favs, 2008 Edition)

This is a highly personal list. These are the tweets from 2008 that made me laugh or were in some way interesting to me. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if you disagree with some of my choices here. Humor is an incredibly subjective thing. What's funny to you might not be funny to me, vice versa, etc. Many, if not most, of the people here are "regulars" on favrd. Some folks, though, you may not have heard of. They might deserve a look or perhaps a follow. Also, right off the bat, I know I miss out on a fair amount of comedy because I haven't checked into following some of my followers back. Will look into doing that after the New Year.

I did have some criteria for "making the cut" of this egregiously subjective list. First though, know that I've fav'ed a few thousand individual tweets since I joined twitter in Feb. of ’07. Whittling that list down to these 100 or so was tricky, hard and in some cases, kinda painful. (You may now commence rolling your eyes at me, but you try it some time.) Seriously, in some cases it was like Sofie's Choice over here! Really, it's an interesting exercise, as I learned that people like Moltz, fireland, scottsimpson and thedayhascome totally "have my number" with respect to making me laugh. They appear in my "favorite tweets" area with almost embarrassing regularity.

Some of the criteria:

No meme material. Twitter is rife with memes. Some of them are hilarious. Some are not. Most, (in my subjective opinion) would require too much back story and explanation. (viz. "hobo vagina") (Also, personally, I kind of suck at participating in memes on twitter, so I don't feel like I'd be a good judge).
No topical or political material that wouldn't be instantly understood. This is why one of my fav tweeters from '08 (@fakesarahpalin) isn't here. Plus, that account was totally anonymous, and "s/he" never followed me, so I didn't have a way to ask permission from the author. There was a lot of strong political stuff this year (the Democratic primaries, the "live-tweeting" during all the debates, almost everything in Sept.–Nov. basically, and of course, election night itself), but I was looking for stuff that will still be funny/interesting a couple years from now. Though there are some political bon mots here, I wanted something more memorable, rather than a "one-off" joke from the VP debates.
@hotdogsladies is only allowed to appear once in The List. (A thousand platonic smooches, Merlin; but I do have a "Tweetie Award" over here that I use as a door stop I can give you, if you are interested. I'll email it to you, OK?) (Yes, this may be a little sad for Merlin. But if you want to cheer him up, I think he might like it if you bought a camera of some sorts.)
You had to give me permission to re-print it here. If I didn't have permission, but I really wanted to include it, I just gave a link to the individual tweet. And then I made fun of you behind your back.
I like tweets that tell a story or paint a picture, so that "genre" of tweets are much better represented.
I kinda loathe puns and though there have been many, very clever puns (some I've even "fav'ed") on twitter, I'm taking what amounts to a moral stand here. NO PUNS.
The second half of the year is far better represented. I didn't start "fav'ing" with wild abandon until around April (the appearance of favotter and then, of course, favrd.)
This isn't really a part of the selection criteria, but more in the nature of a warning: Never, ever click over to Mike_FTW's twitter page. Really. Especially not while you are at work or if you value your eyes and/or sanity. Also, don't believe him if he says he's changed it. Ever.
Notwithstanding the previous joke, I also tried to avoid "inside jokes." (Sorry, @Tony_D, none of your "coffee" material made it.) (And sadly, all the delightful "Jiminy!" material from the Grubers (@gruber & @AmyJane) went out the window).

OK, now that I've spent a mile and a half of screen space with prologue, let's begin!

January

	Mike_FTW Arguing with co-workers about whether "block user" or "dead to me" is the better interface language. I am right and they are all dead to me. 12:32 PM Nov 20th, 2007 [Ed. note: Yes, I know* this is from 2007, but it's awesome and it's my list. Go make your own list, hippie.*]
	Moltz Gum break. Chew it if you've got it. 2:02 PM Jan 2nd
	apelad Wife: "You need some sort of desk organization system" Me: "I do. Piles." 5:11 PM Jan 21st
	emmastory WORKSFORME, NOTABUG, WONTFIX 6:38 AM Jan 23rd
	ckwinny Just for fun: wear a ski cap around your house, catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror & have a heart attack thinking it's a stranger. 11:44 AM Jan 28th
	lonelysandwich @twit_babes is following me? Uh giggety giggety aaaoooooogah steam coming out of ears eyeballs popping out creepy stare I'm finished. 5:37 PM Jan 29th

February

	ftrain "EXCELLENT PowerPoint. Fetch me fresh trousers." 10:26 AM Feb 12th [Ed. note: all of Paul Ford's ftrain tweets are six words long. No more. No less.]
	fireland I'm in the park, wearing a diaper and shooting people with my hunting bow. The cops don't seem to have the Valentine's Day spirit. 1:31 PM Feb 14th
	EffingBoring In this moment, no one in this mall would judge me if i domestically violenced my boyfriend. 5:26 PM Feb 23rd
	Moltz Wondering when's a good time today to tell Karen that she's won the endorsement of the Super Delegate in my pants. 2:16 PM Feb 14th
	momku New list of human / Rights abuses unjustly / Omits middle school2:24 PM Feb 22nd
	ninjapoodles At the office--just asked Mom, "Do you have any food?" She said, "Not really," as she handed me a Curves bar. She was right. 2:41 PM Feb 22nd
	remiel A misguided prankster laced the office water cooler with a small amount of LSD. Trying to get to HR to complain, but being thwarted by bats. 3:37 PM Feb 28th
	gruber Me: “So what’re we going to do with the cable guy tomorrow?” Amy: “Groin punch.” Jonas: “I say we throw poo at him. But we'll need shovels.” 10:30 PM Feb 28th

March

	lonelysandwich Cookies for breakfast. Shut up, you're not the boss of me. 11:10 AM Mar 5th
	torrez Smashed into cologne testers at Kiehl's. Least popular person on BART right now. 8:13 PM Mar 6th
	palinode Horror film premise: people get calls from 911 dispatcher who claims there was a murder at that address. 7 days later, dispatcher is fired. 9:05 AM Mar 13th
	Rachelskirts Church Publications Rule #2947: Do not use the word "interactive" when describing a marriage enrichment class. 1:57 PM Mar 13th
	fireland According to the paperwork here, Old Navy thought the amount of time I spent in the Young Miss department was "unseemly." 3:01 PM Mar 13th
	scottsimpson Vagina Prologue, (n): Lengthy justification many dudes compulsively insert before discussing something they saw in "Us Weekly" 5:14 PM Mar 20th
	scottsimpson "I accidentally chopped off my foot while scything my lawn. Refused anesthesia so they had me bite down on an _Us Weekly_. OMIGOD BRITNEY!" 5:17 PM Mar 20th
	cleversimon There's no way I'm going to take you seriously after hearing you pronounce URL as 'Earl'. 7:36 PM Mar 20th
	phillygirl Watched LittleHouseOnThePrairie in hotel gym. Oh yes I did. Changed ch. few times to look lk I was channel surfing. I was not channl surfng. 10:49 AM Mar 28th
	sarahbellum I'm allergic to people, ham and bananas. I don't care that no one believes me. 4:29 PM Mar 28th
	scottsimpson Today's Logic Lesson: I just put Baby in a corner. Ergo, I am Nobody. 2:34 PM Mar 29th
	Moltz People will tell you there's no strategy to Candyland but that's crap. The key is knowing exactly when to angrily flip the board over. 9:19 PM Mar 31st

April

	remiel I'm going to start giving myself little rewards for being productive. Today, for example, every time I send an email, I'm quitting my job. 10:12 AM Apr 2nd
	torrez Great moments in Torrez history: in the shower this morning I smacked myself in the junk while playing air guitar. 3:16 PM Apr 3rd
	Moltz You can now have Charlton Heston's gun. 8:11 AM Apr 6th
	gknauss I resurrected a man outside of Reno, just to watch him live. 9:38 PM Apr 10th
	fluidpudding Tonight I drove around for an hour just to make sure I still know all of the words to 12 Edie Brickell songs. You think I'm astounding, no? 7:23 PM Apr 15th
	RickMacMerc When talking to clients on the phone, sometimes I'm tempted to say "Okay, that's great. Is there maybe a grown-up there that I can talk to?" 9:41 AM Apr 22nd
	schmutzie I am in love with my pants. They are mostly enamoured with my butt, but I think I can live with that slight imbalance in our relationship. 9:03 AM Apr 24th
	AuntMarvel Had a naughty dream about the FedEx guy a few days ago. Couldn't stop blushing just now when he said, "I have a package for you." 12:15 PM Apr 25th
	scottsimpson "Am I being a J-E-R-K, Dad?" OH SHIT THEY LEARN TO SPELL. 4:03 PM Apr 29th

May

	evehorizon just did a job interview where i tried to appear older than i am. when he said, 'why don't we get started,' i said, 'RIGHT ON.' good lord 9:15 PM May 1st
	AmyJane We've been married too long: I went into John's office to give him a package. I was topless (of course!). He squealed, "OOOOOOOH, JETPENS!" 10:04 AM May 2nd
	gknauss Oh, it's _moleskine_. Not mole skin. I ended up making a mess. And the pet store won't sell to me anymore. 11:54 AM May 2nd
	SeoulBrother The best part about working for [REDACTED] is the spirit of freedom and [REDACTED]. 9:55 AM May 5th
	gordonshumway At today's staff meeting, three of us watched the boss' kid eat a cricket. None of us said a damn word. 8:25 PM May 7th
	squidwoman Writing essays about Germany from 1919-1934. I feel like I'm breaking Godwin's law over and over again. 4:18 PM May 9th
	matthewbaldwin I like that Twitter's 140-character limits encourages eloquence--brevity is the soul of wit, after all--but too often it also prevents me fr 5:04 PM May 9th
	dooce 10:11 AM May 13th [Heather is pregnant and puke-y right now. She gets a pass on not responding to my emails. Just click on the link.]
	AinsleyofAttack For every shorthand "u" sent in a text message, a douchebag in a sports-bar says a "yo." 10:25 PM May 13th
	patatomic Photoshops Magic Wand Tool: kinda like when Sting picks up the soprano sax. 11:22 AM May 19th
	buzz Liveblogging a coffee shop pickup attempt: 7:01: Euro dude passes note to blonde...7:02: Awkward conversation...7:05: She excuses herself. 5:27 PM May 19th
	phillygirl As I pour my 2nd glass of wine I notice the neighbors have rented a bulldozer. It's outside. Unattended. 9:19 PM May 20th
	apelad Just finished mowing the lawn and everything else that got in my way. 5:00 PM May 31st

June

	kellydeal OMG little girl licking the window at the Taco Bell WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS? 12:07 PM Jun 2nd
	remiel When IT asks "What do you need that for?", what they really mean is "Suck my robotic peepee, marketingface."1:22 PM Jun 4th
	communicatrix So how many DVDs of LOST _am_ I allowed to check out at one time before I have to call my sponsor? 3:08 PM Jun 4th
	vmarinelli Apparently the act of combining DNA from two adults with ADD can result in an eight year old with the personality of a pogo stick. 6:36 PM Jun 4th
	tj Billboard: "You have cancer, We can help." Wait, I have cancer? And this is the way you tell me? Gawd, I have the worst doctor ever. 7:54 AM Jun 5th
	EffingBoring Now that I have insurance, I'm scheduling a eye test and a teeth cleaning just for the fuck of it. 8:29 AM Jun 5th
	SuperSanko A guy came in to Barnes & Noble yesterday looking for used golf carts. That's, like, an EVERYTHING FAIL. 12:13 AM Jun 6th
	lonelysandwich "Okay, now there's a big apple and a little circle thing, and now it's blue! I'm going to see Indy with Marilyn." Tech support with Grandma. 4:01 PM Jun 7th
	awryone It boils down to this: marry the woman who likes you more often than she doesn't and call it a win. For fun... test her tolerance daily. 12:00 PM Jun 8th
	Torrie Watching my mother use a computer makes me want to punch a kitten in the face. 6:11 AM Jun 11th
	phillygirl I've found that a big part of the writing process is arranging your pens, getting glasses of water, and checking what's on tv.6:07 PM Jun 12th
	jdickerson For Father's Day I asked kids to put me on the Favrd leaderboard. They said no. Upside: they used "you are pathetic" correctly in a sentence 1:04 PM Jun 13th
	whoorl The fact that I've been screaming "Just put your lips on it and SUCK!" all damn day has made small talk with my neighbors a little awkward. 4:19 PM Jun 16th [Ed. note: her toddler couldn't/wouldn't drink with a straw, but it's funnier if you don't know that, so just forget I said anything.]
	pagecrusher I quit smoking cigarettes 7 months ago, and the urge occassionally consumes me. Blow Pops help, but keeping them lit is a bitch. 5:38 PM Jun 18th
	remiel Why is fertility still the default setting? 12:20 PM Jun 19th
	emilybrianna Next to the mucus plugs, my children certainly win the prize for weirdest things to exit my vagina. 8:18 AM Jun 24th
	TheBloggess I don't know if I'm not talking to my husband or he's not talking to me. Maybe both. Are we fighting or lazy? I don't even know. 4:47 PM Jun 30th

July

	SeoulBrother OH: What do you mean we don't get Canada Day off. It's our largest state. 11:33 AM Jul 1st
	verdandi I have a temporary officemate due to renovation (i.e. shit falling down). She informs me that she's a talker. Well, I'm a biter, so shut up. 3:52 PM Jul 2nd
	aedison People say I'm 'prone to self-sabotage.' FALSE. I sabotage others, and my own goals get caught in the crossfire. I'm an _innocent victim_. 5:27 AM Jul 16th
	blurb BlogHim: 1 track, 1 session: have you had a bowel movement today? Then drinks. I am thinking $150 to attend. 7:35 PM Jul 16th
	Moltz For your information, it's not _flying_ I'm afraid of. It's falling. And crashing. And burning. And little bags of assorted snack mixes. 11:39 AM Jul 18th
	fireland Can't find a greeting card that says "I'm sorry your wife died giving birth to my son." Oh whatever, I'll just send a funny balloon. 11:45 AM Jul 17th
	tj With $3500 we didn't expect to have, one of us suggested a trip to the nearest Apple Store. The other person responded by BEING A BIG MEANY. 3:42 PM Jul 19th
	lonelysandwich If you don't update your Twitter, all your friends will unfollow you. THEY WON'T UNFOLLOW ME, MOM. Yes they will, they'll forget. GO AWAY. 9:09 PM Jul 21st
	LogicalLibby Don't EVER try to shave a cat. I mean it. 9:22 PM Jul 22nd
	shoesonwrong Sign my husband will never be metrosexual: He calls the curling iron a "burny stick." 6:37 PM Jul 24th
	lonelysandwich Whenever people find out I use something called Twitter, I wish it was called something different, like Ultimate Badass Report. 6:52 PM Jul 24th
	nevenmrgan Had dinner with @SeoulBrother. Had drinks with @SeoulBrother. Pretty sure I'm now having a kid with @SeoulBrother. 10:03 AM Jul 25th
	finslippy Henry, apropos of nothing: "Infinity is a number that doesn't encounter any other numbers." Then he levitated a little. 1:41 PM Jul 25th

August

	nostrich Cute barista wanted the panties I stole from her trash back. Had to take them off right there in Starbucks. Embarrassing. 7:48 AM Aug 5th
	AuntMarvel Dear spider on the wall: The only reason you are still alive is because I'm holding a sleeping baby. Get any closer and HOLYCRAPWHEREDYOUGO? 10:20 PM Aug 15th
	CcStef Me: "You've rubbed off on me over the years." @jkubicek: "You were awake for that?" 9:58 AM Aug 17th
	echuckles to the dude on the street who punched me- hard- in the shoulder because he mistook me for someone he knew: well, that was awkward, huh? 11:56 PM Aug 20th
	textism 10:12 AM Aug 21st [Never heard back from Dean. It's possible all of France is closed for the Holiday.]
	AinsleyofAttack The only way I can endure an eHarmony commercial is to watch the happy couple slow-mo giggle and imagine a cougar pouncing on them. 9:00 AM Aug 22nd
	clapifyoulikeme Just walked through the basketball team. I am 5'2. Awkward eye level. 6:56 AM Aug 25th
	nick Who's borrowing my copy of "Understanding Comics"? I'm stuck 1/3-way into a Garfield. 5:40 PM Aug 28th
	nacre I'm not so much a "human" as a "food consuming bitterness producer." 2:16 PM Aug 29th

September

	smartasshat Every 1 should emphasize conservative praise of Bristol's "decision" (CHOICE). Recognize they are saying that they are, in fact, Pro-Choice. 7:01 AM Sep 2nd
	SeoulBrother Bristolgate. Troopergate. Please, news people. There was only one crime big enough to use the 'gate' suffix. Bill. So heinous it's plural. 10:58 AM Sep 3rd
	Tony_D When we're toddlers, we learn the word "no" and use it endlessly. Then we become adults, and don't use it nearly enough. 11:22 AM Sep 3rd
	fireland Judging from which keys are the dirtiest on my keyboard, I must type "NORP" a lot. Weird! Is that even a word? 3:11 PM Sep 3rd
	fluidpudding The PLUMBER is HERE and he's CLEANING the FECES! And I couldn't be happier. In fact, I might be naked. Yes. Yes, I am. 8:19 AM Sep 12th
	cleversimon I don’t tell jokes to make other people laugh. I tell jokes to make other people scowl at me while I laugh ’til I pee. 6:14 PM Sep 19th
	toldorknown The presenter just said something not on the slide. Try to remain calm. Corporate has been informed and this rebellion will be quashed soon. 10:25 AM Sep 30th

October

	superfantastic Got stuck behind someone with a strict constructionist interpretation of the speed limit. I'm more of a liberal activist driver, myself. 1:21 PM Oct 2nd
	fireland Well actually the difference between Helvetica and Arial is pretty glaring if you oh my god this is why I haven't had sex in twenty months. 3:22 PM Oct 3rd
	shoesonwrong Stop coming by unannounced. "Drop by anytime!" Is just one of those things you say but don't mean like, "You look great!" or "I love you." 3:49 PM Oct 3rd
	bcompton My wife's going out of town for a few days, leaving me and the boy at home alone, so I'm laying down some newspapers. 9:52 PM Oct 4th
	antichrista I know I've said it before, but seriously, Air Freshener--you're not fooling anyone. 5:41 PM Oct 23rd
I	hoosiergirl told my husband he needed to be more patient & last night he was. I thanked him for listening to me & he said, "Nope. I took a Vicodin." 8:22 AM Oct 30th
	abigvictory Coworker: Can I give you some advice? Me: You live with four cats that you refer to you as your children. No. 8:13 AM Oct 31st
	strutting Bootylicious was where I drew the line, then Fergalicious crossed it. We, as a society, need to recalibrate our standards of -liciousness. 7:07 PM Oct 31st

November

	jimray So, the Jewish guy is gonna help the black guy run the country? They are gonna be pissed when they hear about this in Mississippi. 11:08 AM Nov 6th
	fireland I don’t care what the DSM-IV says, you CAN go crazy from eating too many tequila worms. Take it from EEEEEE CHUPACABRA IN MY HAIR YOU GUYS 8:55 PM Nov 6th
	superfantastic Well sure, but "I don't wanna grow up, I'm an emotionally stunted 31 year-old" just doesn't have the same ring to it. 10:52 AM Nov 12th
	anildash @barackobama I will paypal you $20 if you intersperse the phrase "Allah willing" throughout your inaugural address, just to piss people off. 7:06 PM Nov 12th
	hoosiergirl I'd tell my ex to go fly a kite, but he has problems keeping things up. 6:58 PM Nov 13th
	scottsimpson Nothing on change.gov yet about my proposed legislation to require background checks and a 7-day waiting period to purchase bike shorts. 10:28 AM Nov 20th
	kariedwards Listening to "In the Air Tonight" & doing anything productive is a lesson in futility. You'll be needed for the air drum solo every time. 4:56 PM Nov 20th
	delfie Me: it smells like rancid coconut and musty flowers in here, what is that? Her: my hand lotion. Me: oh. It's lovely, where'd you get it? 7:30 AM Nov 21st
	thedayhascome Ever get the feeling that someone might be stalking you? No? Good. If it helps, your windows & doors are locked really well. 10:07 AM Nov 22nd
	Moltz Fun fact: stick one end of an Ethernet cable in your router and the other in your mouth and you can taste the Internet! Tastes like candy! 3:31 PM Nov 26th
	gordonshumway Thanksgiving dinner at my parents' country club. 3 kinds of stuffing & a band willing to let the tuba player solo during 'Killing Me Softly' 12:41 PM Nov 27th

December

	thedayhascome This Cybersex Monday thing has made working in the office unpleasantly awkward. Here comes security, I wonder what they want. 12:42 PM Dec 1st
	zolora But seriously, where the hell is Chewbacca's medal. 1:52 PM Dec 1st
	NikolHasler My therapist says I need to be more direct and honest. I don't really have a therapist. See? It is working. 9:53 AM Dec 5th, 2008
	hotdogsladies "Humor" is what strangers find funny. "Comedy" is what your friends find funny. "Twitter" is what your family finds, and says, "You okay?" 1:27 PM Dec 5th [Ed. note: Really, this list could have just been Merlin's entire twitterstream, that's how awesome he is in this medium, but this tweet felt particularly delightful to me. "Nailed it."]
	hoosiergirl My son told his doctor that I beat him sometimes. When we were alone, I asked why he lied & he said, "What? I don't always win Candyland." 9:53 AM Dec 6th
	anildash I will create two categories: Miscellaneous and Other. Everything shall be filed in one of these two categories. 2:27 PM Dec 10th
	fraying T-shirt slogan idea: Jesus Celebrated Chanukah. 7:13 PM Dec 11th
	NickiHiss Can't sleep. Customers will eat me. 10:56 PM Dec 16th
	toldorknown Penny-whistles? Ocarinas? Stop making up musical instruments, people. You didn't fool me with that "bassoon" nonsense, and you're not now.10:10 AM Dec 18th
	secretsquirrel Company XMas party last night. Awoke with 'Liver Transplant' written on hand. I didn't get one so I can only assumed I performed one. Again. 2:36 AM Dec 19th
	badbanana If you ask me, the saddest part of the whole Rudolph story is Santa's complete ignorance of flashlight technology. 10:01 AM Dec 21st
	nevenmrgan drinking maple syrup straight out of the bottle. Christ. Wait... Using a glass wouldn't be any better, would it? 8:07 PM Dec 21st
	phyllisstein Every time Dad shares a Precious Family Memory, I feel like I should excuse myself, call my analyst, and shout "GOT ANOTHER CLUE!" 7:37 PM Dec 23rd
	sween Me: "Merry Christmas, Twitter! Your turn." Wife: "You know they're not real..." Me: "Please?" Wife: "Fine. MERRY CHRISTMAS, FAKE PEOPLE." 5:28 PM Dec 25th

Thanks to all of you (including the people I ungraciously and callously passed over) for entertaining me over the past year(s).

—jon (that zuhl guy.)

Jon scribbled this mess on 12/29/08 at 06:28 PM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Monday, December 15, 2008

This Is Why People Rarely Do Nice Things for Me

Someone did a nice thing for me. This was my response. Pretty sure she’s learned her lesson and will never do that again. What she did is immaterial, but she’s a delight.

Aimee—

Wow, thanks!

Very nice of you.

You’re a peach!

Or some other fruit you fancy if you aren’t partial to peaches. Personally, I’m a ginormous fan of the simple pleasure of a nice, no-nonsense and sweet apple. Say, of the honey crisp or gala variety. Or, if you want to be off-beat, how about pulling out all the stops and try and be a pomegranate instead of a merely “also-ran” fruit like the peach? Be adventurous! Branch out! Although. Now that I think about that, I’m not so sure about moving away from “peach” and toward “pomegranate.” Very tasty the pomegranate, but seldom worth the effort in my opinion. I mean look, it’s a tremendous amount of work to get at all those little flavor nuggets inside. Huge effort, not a big payoff as far as I’m concerned. Yeah, yeah, delectable and yummy and all that, but worth the devotion of like, I don’t know, twenty to thirty minutes of my precious time just for a lousy piece of fruit with negligible thiamin values? (See?) Yeah, doubtful. Some will say that I just haven’t had the right pomegranate and if I would just come down off my high horse and over to Aunt Penelope’s Pomegranate Plantation, I’d see exactly what I’m missing and what the kerfluffle is surrounding the mystical pomegranate. Whatever. Allow me to take a moment and roll my eyes for at least seven seconds like a sullen pre-teen to show my level of disinterest in a freaky fruit that’s a huge nuisance to eat. Somehow, I’ll muddle through and live another day, I’m sure.

PLUS, the juice will stain your clothes like crazy if you aren’t careful.

So yeah, Madam Greeblemonkey, I’m thinking you just stay a peach or some other easy to access fruit. Don’t try mucking around with all this exotic stuff, Aimee. Don’t try and be a hero, Aim! It’s not worth it!

Plus, only commies and weirdos don’t like a nice American fruit like the peach. AMIRITE?!

That’s what I hear anyway.

OK.

The word you are looking for at this point is probably, “Anyway…”

Thanks a lot for the nod. Very kind.

—jon deal

Just to mess with everyone, I’m going strive to be a tomato. “Is he a fruit like the peach? Or is he a veggie? WHO KNOWS?!”

BECAUSE I AM A MAN OF MYSTERY!

—j

Jon scribbled this mess on 12/15/08 at 10:10 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Monday, December 08, 2008

Who’s That Goofy Guy Standing Next to the Hot Pregnant Woman?

So Very Young, originally uploaded by zuhl.

Reha and I got married on August 26, 1989.

Approximately 18 days later (but who’s counting), we got pregnant with Carrie. (Note, I was in deep denial about that for a while) (Of course). I was sure Reha just had some kind of hormonal imbalance that caused her to stop having periods and perhaps a giant cyst (benign, naturally) that caused her ever expanding belly. Carrie’s nickname for a while was the “beloved tumor.”

Mostly, I’m showing you this because I think it’s important that people understand a few things.

Based on photos such as this, one might conclude that in the late 80s, people could get married when they were 12. NOT ACTUALLY TRUE.

Once upon a time, I had glorious and magnificent hair.

You shouldn’t judge someone merely because they wear goofy glasses. And pink shirts.

Fine, go ahead and judge.

I’ll just be over here, weeping quietly over my lost youth. And my lost hair.

Anyway, Reha was at least seven months pregnant in this shot. Possibly eight.

Funny thing (to me, at least). She basically looks exactly the same. Not pregnant, you ninny, but she doesn’t look old or anything. (See the photos here and tell me she doesn’t look the same.)

Whereas I, though still devastatingly handsome (natch), look completely different.

The beard is the key I’m sure. Most 12 year olds can’t grow a beard.

Jon scribbled this mess on 12/08/08 at 11:19 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Monday, January 12, 2009

That Domain Is Probably Still Available

Defection

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Beta Tester Wanted. Must Have Thin Ankles!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Hey, He Made a List! (Twitter Favs, 2008 Edition)

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Monday, December 15, 2008

This Is Why People Rarely Do Nice Things for Me

Monday, December 08, 2008

Who’s That Goofy Guy Standing Next to the Hot Pregnant Woman?

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