Monday, December 29, 2008

Hey, He Made a List! (Twitter Favs, 2008 Edition)

This is a highly personal list. These are the tweets from 2008 that made me laugh or were in some way interesting to me. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if you disagree with some of my choices here. Humor is an incredibly subjective thing. What's funny to you might not be funny to me, vice versa, etc. Many, if not most, of the people here are "regulars" on favrd. Some folks, though, you may not have heard of. They might deserve a look or perhaps a follow. Also, right off the bat, I know I miss out on a fair amount of comedy because I haven't checked into following some of my followers back. Will look into doing that after the New Year.

I did have some criteria for "making the cut" of this egregiously subjective list. First though, know that I've fav'ed a few thousand individual tweets since I joined twitter in Feb. of ’07. Whittling that list down to these 100 or so was tricky, hard and in some cases, kinda painful. (You may now commence rolling your eyes at me, but you try it some time.) Seriously, in some cases it was like Sofie's Choice over here! Really, it's an interesting exercise, as I learned that people like Moltz, fireland, scottsimpson and thedayhascome totally "have my number" with respect to making me laugh. They appear in my "favorite tweets" area with almost embarrassing regularity.

Some of the criteria:

No meme material. Twitter is rife with memes. Some of them are hilarious. Some are not. Most, (in my subjective opinion) would require too much back story and explanation. (viz. "hobo vagina") (Also, personally, I kind of suck at participating in memes on twitter, so I don't feel like I'd be a good judge).
No topical or political material that wouldn't be instantly understood. This is why one of my fav tweeters from '08 (@fakesarahpalin) isn't here. Plus, that account was totally anonymous, and "s/he" never followed me, so I didn't have a way to ask permission from the author. There was a lot of strong political stuff this year (the Democratic primaries, the "live-tweeting" during all the debates, almost everything in Sept.–Nov. basically, and of course, election night itself), but I was looking for stuff that will still be funny/interesting a couple years from now. Though there are some political bon mots here, I wanted something more memorable, rather than a "one-off" joke from the VP debates.
@hotdogsladies is only allowed to appear once in The List. (A thousand platonic smooches, Merlin; but I do have a "Tweetie Award" over here that I use as a door stop I can give you, if you are interested. I'll email it to you, OK?) (Yes, this may be a little sad for Merlin. But if you want to cheer him up, I think he might like it if you bought a camera of some sorts.)
You had to give me permission to re-print it here. If I didn't have permission, but I really wanted to include it, I just gave a link to the individual tweet. And then I made fun of you behind your back.
I like tweets that tell a story or paint a picture, so that "genre" of tweets are much better represented.
I kinda loathe puns and though there have been many, very clever puns (some I've even "fav'ed") on twitter, I'm taking what amounts to a moral stand here. NO PUNS.
The second half of the year is far better represented. I didn't start "fav'ing" with wild abandon until around April (the appearance of favotter and then, of course, favrd.)
This isn't really a part of the selection criteria, but more in the nature of a warning: Never, ever click over to Mike_FTW's twitter page. Really. Especially not while you are at work or if you value your eyes and/or sanity. Also, don't believe him if he says he's changed it. Ever.
Notwithstanding the previous joke, I also tried to avoid "inside jokes." (Sorry, @Tony_D, none of your "coffee" material made it.) (And sadly, all the delightful "Jiminy!" material from the Grubers (@gruber & @AmyJane) went out the window).

OK, now that I've spent a mile and a half of screen space with prologue, let's begin!

January

	Mike_FTW Arguing with co-workers about whether "block user" or "dead to me" is the better interface language. I am right and they are all dead to me. 12:32 PM Nov 20th, 2007 [Ed. note: Yes, I know* this is from 2007, but it's awesome and it's my list. Go make your own list, hippie.*]
	Moltz Gum break. Chew it if you've got it. 2:02 PM Jan 2nd
	apelad Wife: "You need some sort of desk organization system" Me: "I do. Piles." 5:11 PM Jan 21st
	emmastory WORKSFORME, NOTABUG, WONTFIX 6:38 AM Jan 23rd
	ckwinny Just for fun: wear a ski cap around your house, catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror & have a heart attack thinking it's a stranger. 11:44 AM Jan 28th
	lonelysandwich @twit_babes is following me? Uh giggety giggety aaaoooooogah steam coming out of ears eyeballs popping out creepy stare I'm finished. 5:37 PM Jan 29th

February

	ftrain "EXCELLENT PowerPoint. Fetch me fresh trousers." 10:26 AM Feb 12th [Ed. note: all of Paul Ford's ftrain tweets are six words long. No more. No less.]
	fireland I'm in the park, wearing a diaper and shooting people with my hunting bow. The cops don't seem to have the Valentine's Day spirit. 1:31 PM Feb 14th
	EffingBoring In this moment, no one in this mall would judge me if i domestically violenced my boyfriend. 5:26 PM Feb 23rd
	Moltz Wondering when's a good time today to tell Karen that she's won the endorsement of the Super Delegate in my pants. 2:16 PM Feb 14th
	momku New list of human / Rights abuses unjustly / Omits middle school2:24 PM Feb 22nd
	ninjapoodles At the office--just asked Mom, "Do you have any food?" She said, "Not really," as she handed me a Curves bar. She was right. 2:41 PM Feb 22nd
	remiel A misguided prankster laced the office water cooler with a small amount of LSD. Trying to get to HR to complain, but being thwarted by bats. 3:37 PM Feb 28th
	gruber Me: “So what’re we going to do with the cable guy tomorrow?” Amy: “Groin punch.” Jonas: “I say we throw poo at him. But we'll need shovels.” 10:30 PM Feb 28th

March

	lonelysandwich Cookies for breakfast. Shut up, you're not the boss of me. 11:10 AM Mar 5th
	torrez Smashed into cologne testers at Kiehl's. Least popular person on BART right now. 8:13 PM Mar 6th
	palinode Horror film premise: people get calls from 911 dispatcher who claims there was a murder at that address. 7 days later, dispatcher is fired. 9:05 AM Mar 13th
	Rachelskirts Church Publications Rule #2947: Do not use the word "interactive" when describing a marriage enrichment class. 1:57 PM Mar 13th
	fireland According to the paperwork here, Old Navy thought the amount of time I spent in the Young Miss department was "unseemly." 3:01 PM Mar 13th
	scottsimpson Vagina Prologue, (n): Lengthy justification many dudes compulsively insert before discussing something they saw in "Us Weekly" 5:14 PM Mar 20th
	scottsimpson "I accidentally chopped off my foot while scything my lawn. Refused anesthesia so they had me bite down on an _Us Weekly_. OMIGOD BRITNEY!" 5:17 PM Mar 20th
	cleversimon There's no way I'm going to take you seriously after hearing you pronounce URL as 'Earl'. 7:36 PM Mar 20th
	phillygirl Watched LittleHouseOnThePrairie in hotel gym. Oh yes I did. Changed ch. few times to look lk I was channel surfing. I was not channl surfng. 10:49 AM Mar 28th
	sarahbellum I'm allergic to people, ham and bananas. I don't care that no one believes me. 4:29 PM Mar 28th
	scottsimpson Today's Logic Lesson: I just put Baby in a corner. Ergo, I am Nobody. 2:34 PM Mar 29th
	Moltz People will tell you there's no strategy to Candyland but that's crap. The key is knowing exactly when to angrily flip the board over. 9:19 PM Mar 31st

April

	remiel I'm going to start giving myself little rewards for being productive. Today, for example, every time I send an email, I'm quitting my job. 10:12 AM Apr 2nd
	torrez Great moments in Torrez history: in the shower this morning I smacked myself in the junk while playing air guitar. 3:16 PM Apr 3rd
	Moltz You can now have Charlton Heston's gun. 8:11 AM Apr 6th
	gknauss I resurrected a man outside of Reno, just to watch him live. 9:38 PM Apr 10th
	fluidpudding Tonight I drove around for an hour just to make sure I still know all of the words to 12 Edie Brickell songs. You think I'm astounding, no? 7:23 PM Apr 15th
	RickMacMerc When talking to clients on the phone, sometimes I'm tempted to say "Okay, that's great. Is there maybe a grown-up there that I can talk to?" 9:41 AM Apr 22nd
	schmutzie I am in love with my pants. They are mostly enamoured with my butt, but I think I can live with that slight imbalance in our relationship. 9:03 AM Apr 24th
	AuntMarvel Had a naughty dream about the FedEx guy a few days ago. Couldn't stop blushing just now when he said, "I have a package for you." 12:15 PM Apr 25th
	scottsimpson "Am I being a J-E-R-K, Dad?" OH SHIT THEY LEARN TO SPELL. 4:03 PM Apr 29th

May

	evehorizon just did a job interview where i tried to appear older than i am. when he said, 'why don't we get started,' i said, 'RIGHT ON.' good lord 9:15 PM May 1st
	AmyJane We've been married too long: I went into John's office to give him a package. I was topless (of course!). He squealed, "OOOOOOOH, JETPENS!" 10:04 AM May 2nd
	gknauss Oh, it's _moleskine_. Not mole skin. I ended up making a mess. And the pet store won't sell to me anymore. 11:54 AM May 2nd
	SeoulBrother The best part about working for [REDACTED] is the spirit of freedom and [REDACTED]. 9:55 AM May 5th
	gordonshumway At today's staff meeting, three of us watched the boss' kid eat a cricket. None of us said a damn word. 8:25 PM May 7th
	squidwoman Writing essays about Germany from 1919-1934. I feel like I'm breaking Godwin's law over and over again. 4:18 PM May 9th
	matthewbaldwin I like that Twitter's 140-character limits encourages eloquence--brevity is the soul of wit, after all--but too often it also prevents me fr 5:04 PM May 9th
	dooce 10:11 AM May 13th [Heather is pregnant and puke-y right now. She gets a pass on not responding to my emails. Just click on the link.]
	AinsleyofAttack For every shorthand "u" sent in a text message, a douchebag in a sports-bar says a "yo." 10:25 PM May 13th
	patatomic Photoshops Magic Wand Tool: kinda like when Sting picks up the soprano sax. 11:22 AM May 19th
	buzz Liveblogging a coffee shop pickup attempt: 7:01: Euro dude passes note to blonde...7:02: Awkward conversation...7:05: She excuses herself. 5:27 PM May 19th
	phillygirl As I pour my 2nd glass of wine I notice the neighbors have rented a bulldozer. It's outside. Unattended. 9:19 PM May 20th
	apelad Just finished mowing the lawn and everything else that got in my way. 5:00 PM May 31st

June

	kellydeal OMG little girl licking the window at the Taco Bell WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS? 12:07 PM Jun 2nd
	remiel When IT asks "What do you need that for?", what they really mean is "Suck my robotic peepee, marketingface."1:22 PM Jun 4th
	communicatrix So how many DVDs of LOST _am_ I allowed to check out at one time before I have to call my sponsor? 3:08 PM Jun 4th
	vmarinelli Apparently the act of combining DNA from two adults with ADD can result in an eight year old with the personality of a pogo stick. 6:36 PM Jun 4th
	tj Billboard: "You have cancer, We can help." Wait, I have cancer? And this is the way you tell me? Gawd, I have the worst doctor ever. 7:54 AM Jun 5th
	EffingBoring Now that I have insurance, I'm scheduling a eye test and a teeth cleaning just for the fuck of it. 8:29 AM Jun 5th
	SuperSanko A guy came in to Barnes & Noble yesterday looking for used golf carts. That's, like, an EVERYTHING FAIL. 12:13 AM Jun 6th
	lonelysandwich "Okay, now there's a big apple and a little circle thing, and now it's blue! I'm going to see Indy with Marilyn." Tech support with Grandma. 4:01 PM Jun 7th
	awryone It boils down to this: marry the woman who likes you more often than she doesn't and call it a win. For fun... test her tolerance daily. 12:00 PM Jun 8th
	Torrie Watching my mother use a computer makes me want to punch a kitten in the face. 6:11 AM Jun 11th
	phillygirl I've found that a big part of the writing process is arranging your pens, getting glasses of water, and checking what's on tv.6:07 PM Jun 12th
	jdickerson For Father's Day I asked kids to put me on the Favrd leaderboard. They said no. Upside: they used "you are pathetic" correctly in a sentence 1:04 PM Jun 13th
	whoorl The fact that I've been screaming "Just put your lips on it and SUCK!" all damn day has made small talk with my neighbors a little awkward. 4:19 PM Jun 16th [Ed. note: her toddler couldn't/wouldn't drink with a straw, but it's funnier if you don't know that, so just forget I said anything.]
	pagecrusher I quit smoking cigarettes 7 months ago, and the urge occassionally consumes me. Blow Pops help, but keeping them lit is a bitch. 5:38 PM Jun 18th
	remiel Why is fertility still the default setting? 12:20 PM Jun 19th
	emilybrianna Next to the mucus plugs, my children certainly win the prize for weirdest things to exit my vagina. 8:18 AM Jun 24th
	TheBloggess I don't know if I'm not talking to my husband or he's not talking to me. Maybe both. Are we fighting or lazy? I don't even know. 4:47 PM Jun 30th

July

	SeoulBrother OH: What do you mean we don't get Canada Day off. It's our largest state. 11:33 AM Jul 1st
	verdandi I have a temporary officemate due to renovation (i.e. shit falling down). She informs me that she's a talker. Well, I'm a biter, so shut up. 3:52 PM Jul 2nd
	aedison People say I'm 'prone to self-sabotage.' FALSE. I sabotage others, and my own goals get caught in the crossfire. I'm an _innocent victim_. 5:27 AM Jul 16th
	blurb BlogHim: 1 track, 1 session: have you had a bowel movement today? Then drinks. I am thinking $150 to attend. 7:35 PM Jul 16th
	Moltz For your information, it's not _flying_ I'm afraid of. It's falling. And crashing. And burning. And little bags of assorted snack mixes. 11:39 AM Jul 18th
	fireland Can't find a greeting card that says "I'm sorry your wife died giving birth to my son." Oh whatever, I'll just send a funny balloon. 11:45 AM Jul 17th
	tj With $3500 we didn't expect to have, one of us suggested a trip to the nearest Apple Store. The other person responded by BEING A BIG MEANY. 3:42 PM Jul 19th
	lonelysandwich If you don't update your Twitter, all your friends will unfollow you. THEY WON'T UNFOLLOW ME, MOM. Yes they will, they'll forget. GO AWAY. 9:09 PM Jul 21st
	LogicalLibby Don't EVER try to shave a cat. I mean it. 9:22 PM Jul 22nd
	shoesonwrong Sign my husband will never be metrosexual: He calls the curling iron a "burny stick." 6:37 PM Jul 24th
	lonelysandwich Whenever people find out I use something called Twitter, I wish it was called something different, like Ultimate Badass Report. 6:52 PM Jul 24th
	nevenmrgan Had dinner with @SeoulBrother. Had drinks with @SeoulBrother. Pretty sure I'm now having a kid with @SeoulBrother. 10:03 AM Jul 25th
	finslippy Henry, apropos of nothing: "Infinity is a number that doesn't encounter any other numbers." Then he levitated a little. 1:41 PM Jul 25th

August

	nostrich Cute barista wanted the panties I stole from her trash back. Had to take them off right there in Starbucks. Embarrassing. 7:48 AM Aug 5th
	AuntMarvel Dear spider on the wall: The only reason you are still alive is because I'm holding a sleeping baby. Get any closer and HOLYCRAPWHEREDYOUGO? 10:20 PM Aug 15th
	CcStef Me: "You've rubbed off on me over the years." @jkubicek: "You were awake for that?" 9:58 AM Aug 17th
	echuckles to the dude on the street who punched me- hard- in the shoulder because he mistook me for someone he knew: well, that was awkward, huh? 11:56 PM Aug 20th
	textism 10:12 AM Aug 21st [Never heard back from Dean. It's possible all of France is closed for the Holiday.]
	AinsleyofAttack The only way I can endure an eHarmony commercial is to watch the happy couple slow-mo giggle and imagine a cougar pouncing on them. 9:00 AM Aug 22nd
	clapifyoulikeme Just walked through the basketball team. I am 5'2. Awkward eye level. 6:56 AM Aug 25th
	nick Who's borrowing my copy of "Understanding Comics"? I'm stuck 1/3-way into a Garfield. 5:40 PM Aug 28th
	nacre I'm not so much a "human" as a "food consuming bitterness producer." 2:16 PM Aug 29th

September

	smartasshat Every 1 should emphasize conservative praise of Bristol's "decision" (CHOICE). Recognize they are saying that they are, in fact, Pro-Choice. 7:01 AM Sep 2nd
	SeoulBrother Bristolgate. Troopergate. Please, news people. There was only one crime big enough to use the 'gate' suffix. Bill. So heinous it's plural. 10:58 AM Sep 3rd
	Tony_D When we're toddlers, we learn the word "no" and use it endlessly. Then we become adults, and don't use it nearly enough. 11:22 AM Sep 3rd
	fireland Judging from which keys are the dirtiest on my keyboard, I must type "NORP" a lot. Weird! Is that even a word? 3:11 PM Sep 3rd
	fluidpudding The PLUMBER is HERE and he's CLEANING the FECES! And I couldn't be happier. In fact, I might be naked. Yes. Yes, I am. 8:19 AM Sep 12th
	cleversimon I don’t tell jokes to make other people laugh. I tell jokes to make other people scowl at me while I laugh ’til I pee. 6:14 PM Sep 19th
	toldorknown The presenter just said something not on the slide. Try to remain calm. Corporate has been informed and this rebellion will be quashed soon. 10:25 AM Sep 30th

October

	superfantastic Got stuck behind someone with a strict constructionist interpretation of the speed limit. I'm more of a liberal activist driver, myself. 1:21 PM Oct 2nd
	fireland Well actually the difference between Helvetica and Arial is pretty glaring if you oh my god this is why I haven't had sex in twenty months. 3:22 PM Oct 3rd
	shoesonwrong Stop coming by unannounced. "Drop by anytime!" Is just one of those things you say but don't mean like, "You look great!" or "I love you." 3:49 PM Oct 3rd
	bcompton My wife's going out of town for a few days, leaving me and the boy at home alone, so I'm laying down some newspapers. 9:52 PM Oct 4th
	antichrista I know I've said it before, but seriously, Air Freshener--you're not fooling anyone. 5:41 PM Oct 23rd
I	hoosiergirl told my husband he needed to be more patient & last night he was. I thanked him for listening to me & he said, "Nope. I took a Vicodin." 8:22 AM Oct 30th
	abigvictory Coworker: Can I give you some advice? Me: You live with four cats that you refer to you as your children. No. 8:13 AM Oct 31st
	strutting Bootylicious was where I drew the line, then Fergalicious crossed it. We, as a society, need to recalibrate our standards of -liciousness. 7:07 PM Oct 31st

November

	jimray So, the Jewish guy is gonna help the black guy run the country? They are gonna be pissed when they hear about this in Mississippi. 11:08 AM Nov 6th
	fireland I don’t care what the DSM-IV says, you CAN go crazy from eating too many tequila worms. Take it from EEEEEE CHUPACABRA IN MY HAIR YOU GUYS 8:55 PM Nov 6th
	superfantastic Well sure, but "I don't wanna grow up, I'm an emotionally stunted 31 year-old" just doesn't have the same ring to it. 10:52 AM Nov 12th
	anildash @barackobama I will paypal you $20 if you intersperse the phrase "Allah willing" throughout your inaugural address, just to piss people off. 7:06 PM Nov 12th
	hoosiergirl I'd tell my ex to go fly a kite, but he has problems keeping things up. 6:58 PM Nov 13th
	scottsimpson Nothing on change.gov yet about my proposed legislation to require background checks and a 7-day waiting period to purchase bike shorts. 10:28 AM Nov 20th
	kariedwards Listening to "In the Air Tonight" & doing anything productive is a lesson in futility. You'll be needed for the air drum solo every time. 4:56 PM Nov 20th
	delfie Me: it smells like rancid coconut and musty flowers in here, what is that? Her: my hand lotion. Me: oh. It's lovely, where'd you get it? 7:30 AM Nov 21st
	thedayhascome Ever get the feeling that someone might be stalking you? No? Good. If it helps, your windows & doors are locked really well. 10:07 AM Nov 22nd
	Moltz Fun fact: stick one end of an Ethernet cable in your router and the other in your mouth and you can taste the Internet! Tastes like candy! 3:31 PM Nov 26th
	gordonshumway Thanksgiving dinner at my parents' country club. 3 kinds of stuffing & a band willing to let the tuba player solo during 'Killing Me Softly' 12:41 PM Nov 27th

December

	thedayhascome This Cybersex Monday thing has made working in the office unpleasantly awkward. Here comes security, I wonder what they want. 12:42 PM Dec 1st
	zolora But seriously, where the hell is Chewbacca's medal. 1:52 PM Dec 1st
	NikolHasler My therapist says I need to be more direct and honest. I don't really have a therapist. See? It is working. 9:53 AM Dec 5th, 2008
	hotdogsladies "Humor" is what strangers find funny. "Comedy" is what your friends find funny. "Twitter" is what your family finds, and says, "You okay?" 1:27 PM Dec 5th [Ed. note: Really, this list could have just been Merlin's entire twitterstream, that's how awesome he is in this medium, but this tweet felt particularly delightful to me. "Nailed it."]
	hoosiergirl My son told his doctor that I beat him sometimes. When we were alone, I asked why he lied & he said, "What? I don't always win Candyland." 9:53 AM Dec 6th
	anildash I will create two categories: Miscellaneous and Other. Everything shall be filed in one of these two categories. 2:27 PM Dec 10th
	fraying T-shirt slogan idea: Jesus Celebrated Chanukah. 7:13 PM Dec 11th
	NickiHiss Can't sleep. Customers will eat me. 10:56 PM Dec 16th
	toldorknown Penny-whistles? Ocarinas? Stop making up musical instruments, people. You didn't fool me with that "bassoon" nonsense, and you're not now.10:10 AM Dec 18th
	secretsquirrel Company XMas party last night. Awoke with 'Liver Transplant' written on hand. I didn't get one so I can only assumed I performed one. Again. 2:36 AM Dec 19th
	badbanana If you ask me, the saddest part of the whole Rudolph story is Santa's complete ignorance of flashlight technology. 10:01 AM Dec 21st
	nevenmrgan drinking maple syrup straight out of the bottle. Christ. Wait... Using a glass wouldn't be any better, would it? 8:07 PM Dec 21st
	phyllisstein Every time Dad shares a Precious Family Memory, I feel like I should excuse myself, call my analyst, and shout "GOT ANOTHER CLUE!" 7:37 PM Dec 23rd
	sween Me: "Merry Christmas, Twitter! Your turn." Wife: "You know they're not real..." Me: "Please?" Wife: "Fine. MERRY CHRISTMAS, FAKE PEOPLE." 5:28 PM Dec 25th

Thanks to all of you (including the people I ungraciously and callously passed over) for entertaining me over the past year(s).

—jon (that zuhl guy.)

Jon scribbled this mess on 12/29/08 at 06:28 PM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, (16) Comments. The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Monday, December 15, 2008

This Is Why People Rarely Do Nice Things for Me

Someone did a nice thing for me. This was my response. Pretty sure she’s learned her lesson and will never do that again. What she did is immaterial, but she’s a delight.

Aimee—

Wow, thanks!

Very nice of you.

You’re a peach!

Or some other fruit you fancy if you aren’t partial to peaches. Personally, I’m a ginormous fan of the simple pleasure of a nice, no-nonsense and sweet apple. Say, of the honey crisp or gala variety. Or, if you want to be off-beat, how about pulling out all the stops and try and be a pomegranate instead of a merely “also-ran” fruit like the peach? Be adventurous! Branch out! Although. Now that I think about that, I’m not so sure about moving away from “peach” and toward “pomegranate.” Very tasty the pomegranate, but seldom worth the effort in my opinion. I mean look, it’s a tremendous amount of work to get at all those little flavor nuggets inside. Huge effort, not a big payoff as far as I’m concerned. Yeah, yeah, delectable and yummy and all that, but worth the devotion of like, I don’t know, twenty to thirty minutes of my precious time just for a lousy piece of fruit with negligible thiamin values? (See?) Yeah, doubtful. Some will say that I just haven’t had the right pomegranate and if I would just come down off my high horse and over to Aunt Penelope’s Pomegranate Plantation, I’d see exactly what I’m missing and what the kerfluffle is surrounding the mystical pomegranate. Whatever. Allow me to take a moment and roll my eyes for at least seven seconds like a sullen pre-teen to show my level of disinterest in a freaky fruit that’s a huge nuisance to eat. Somehow, I’ll muddle through and live another day, I’m sure.

PLUS, the juice will stain your clothes like crazy if you aren’t careful.

So yeah, Madam Greeblemonkey, I’m thinking you just stay a peach or some other easy to access fruit. Don’t try mucking around with all this exotic stuff, Aimee. Don’t try and be a hero, Aim! It’s not worth it!

Plus, only commies and weirdos don’t like a nice American fruit like the peach. AMIRITE?!

That’s what I hear anyway.

OK.

The word you are looking for at this point is probably, “Anyway…”

Thanks a lot for the nod. Very kind.

—jon deal

Just to mess with everyone, I’m going strive to be a tomato. “Is he a fruit like the peach? Or is he a veggie? WHO KNOWS?!”

BECAUSE I AM A MAN OF MYSTERY!

—j

Jon scribbled this mess on 12/15/08 at 10:10 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, (4) Comments. The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Monday, December 08, 2008

Who’s That Goofy Guy Standing Next to the Hot Pregnant Woman?

So Very Young, originally uploaded by zuhl.

Reha and I got married on August 26, 1989.

Approximately 18 days later (but who’s counting), we got pregnant with Carrie. (Note, I was in deep denial about that for a while) (Of course). I was sure Reha just had some kind of hormonal imbalance that caused her to stop having periods and perhaps a giant cyst (benign, naturally) that caused her ever expanding belly. Carrie’s nickname for a while was the “beloved tumor.”

Mostly, I’m showing you this because I think it’s important that people understand a few things.

Based on photos such as this, one might conclude that in the late 80s, people could get married when they were 12. NOT ACTUALLY TRUE.

Once upon a time, I had glorious and magnificent hair.

You shouldn’t judge someone merely because they wear goofy glasses. And pink shirts.

Fine, go ahead and judge.

I’ll just be over here, weeping quietly over my lost youth. And my lost hair.

Anyway, Reha was at least seven months pregnant in this shot. Possibly eight.

Funny thing (to me, at least). She basically looks exactly the same. Not pregnant, you ninny, but she doesn’t look old or anything. (See the photos here and tell me she doesn’t look the same.)

Whereas I, though still devastatingly handsome (natch), look completely different.

The beard is the key I’m sure. Most 12 year olds can’t grow a beard.

Jon scribbled this mess on 12/08/08 at 11:19 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, (5) Comments. The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Hi There! I Am the Personification of a First World Problem

I’ve been on the ADD med for a couple weeks, here are my thoughts.

Note: I will also stop talking about this, cease my incessant navel gazing and get back to whatever it is I actually do here, but this whole “Holy crap! I have ADD! Wow!” thing has been quite the revelation for me, so it’s been on my brain a fair amount. I actually do have some things in my “editing” pipeline and will get them going in the near future.

OK! Onward!

The Good Stuff:

It works! And by that I mean, I can concentrate on things a lot better. The distinguishing characteristic of my ADD is that I feel like I have a million channels of TV in my head, all going at the same time and someone is pressing the remote’s channel button every 15 seconds. If you were to talk to me in person, you would see this in the way I tell a story. I bounce and wander in seven different tangential directions, possibly never coming back to my main point. That’s how it is to be in my head all the time. It’s sightly exhausting and endlessly frustrating and makes it tricky to get stuff done. “Tricky” being the understatement of the century. Usually I try and edit the wandering out of my my writing, but sometimes it is as plain as day. I also tend to be distracted by everything around me quite easily. Over the years I found that I’d adopted some habits to neutralize those tendencies as much as possible, i.e., noise canceling headphones coupled with music, fewer blinking things on my screen, shutting down my Internet, hiding ALL other open apps on my Mac, that sort of thing. I don’t seem to need those “crutches” as much.

Even though this stuff is speed (an amphetamine), it makes me sleepy. Like, DEAD tired at the end of the day. Doc warned me that one of the side effects could be a touch of insomnia as my brain unwinds from the speed. Not! If anything, I realize that I was in DEEP sleep debt. I go to bed at around 9-10 and wake up at 8. Crazy. I also get to sleep faster. Usually, it takes me a good 45 minutes to get to sleep. The only way I could get to sleep was to read a book I’d already read a zillion times (or a much-watched movie on my iPod). That would put my brain on cruise control and allow me to drift off. Now I hit the pillow and I’m out. I’m liking that.

When I sit for extended periods of time, (staff meeting being the prime example), I fidget. That’s diminished significantly. Less leg jiggling, finger flipping and random twitchy-ness.

The Funny. This may sound weird, but I was very worried that being on this med would “take my funny away.” Doesn’t seem to have happened. Though I am more calm, I’m finding I can still be funny. I know that’s a strange thing to be worried about, and though I’m trying not to have “being funny” as the main thrust of my life these days, it’s still important to me. Have to see how that plays out in the long run as I start writing again.

The Less Than Optimal Things:

The med is an amphetamine. (Duh.) It. Scares. Me. Though this dose is pretty tiny and I’m not abusing it, it still freaks me out. Hey, I saw that episode of M*A*S*H where Charles gives Radar’s pet rat some speed so it’ll run really fast in a race and then the poor little beast gets sick! I have seen the consequences! Seriously, this stuff scares me. I’m hesitant to be dependent on it.

Dry mouth. This is especially true by the end of the day. It’s not bad breath, but it kind of feels like that “gummy, just woke up from a nap” mouth. I drink a lot of water and will start carrying a water bottle. Hard candy also helps. (I’m essentially becoming my grandfather, who always had hard candy squirreled away in a pocket somewhere. Oy. Vey.)

I don’t eat. This could also land in the “good” column, as I’ve already lost a few pounds, but I’m putting it here. I forget to eat and then end up light headed at the end of the day. Eating a decent breakfast before the med kicks in is crucial now.

Slight headache at the end of the day. Not bad, but kind of annoying.

Hot flashes. Kinda. It’s weird. I just feel warm all the time. Though this may have less to do with the med and more to do with my entering early menopause.

I can see that there are more Bad Things, but the Good Stuff far outweighs the bad for me. We’ll see how it goes for a couple months.

Reha mentioned that she’s quite envious that I’m losing weight without lifting a finger. Though that was mitigated when I said, “Sure, but in the meantime, I’ll be jealous of your successful law career since we’ve determined I don’t really have much of a career at all because of this thing I’ve got and tack on the fact that it took me approximately 25 years to figure out what my problem is and your ability to function without pharmaceutical support.”

“Oh… yeah… right. Sorry about that. Though I’ll still be jealous because you are going to lose a bunch of weight. Nothing will change that, I’m afraid.”

Anyway, one thing I’ve learned through my short experience with “brain” drugs is that seemingly the only way to know if something is going to work is to give it a whirl. If it works, you are golden; if not, move to the next thing. It’s like diagnosis happens once you start treatment. Funky. Brains are weird.

And that’s enough about that.

Jon scribbled this mess on 12/03/08 at 01:48 PM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Off Label Use is Contraindicated

SO I WENT TO THE HEAD SHRINK-Y DOC YESTERDAY TO TALK ABOUT MY ADHD AND HE PRESCRIBED ADDERALL AND IT TURNS OUT THAT THE GENERIC EQUIVALENT FOR ADDERALL IS PLAIN OLD AMPHETAMINE SO NOW I HAVE LIKE 90 OF THOSE AND HOLY CRAP THEY ARE AWESOME AND I’M SUPPOSED TO TAKE 1-2 2X/DAY, BUT I MAY HAVE EXCEEDED THE RECOMMENDED DOSE JUST NOW.

Well, not really.

Truth be told, I took one pill yesterday afternoon and within two hours I had fallen asleep in a chair. So I don’t think it (the speed) has the same effect on me as it might on a “normal” person. We’ll see how it goes.

Which is not to say the this stuff doesn’t scare the crap out of me. Hey, I’ve seen that Montana Meth Project and all those scary ads. Last thing I want is to end up having sex with a middle aged man in a dirty motel.

My hope is that it’s a clean motel.

Jon scribbled this mess on 11/19/08 at 09:47 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link